Closure........

Closure...
I have heard this word used many times in many ways. Everything from a kids cartoon movie with a duck telling chicken little he needs "closure" to folks on TV receiving closure on a new home. How does it pertain to grief? One of the dictionary definitions is: an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality. I think of those who have lost loved ones in tragic accidents ( or by other tragic means). They were unable to say "goodbye" or any last words of love. Thus being denied "closure". Unexpected death, in any form, can leave those left behind  unable to come to grips with feelings of grief. Can we have closure apart from being at the bedside of our loved one as they are passing from this life.?
Can we have closure at all in a death situation?  Or Should there even be a sense of  closure? Shouldn't we just hold on as though nothing has changed? Living life as though that person were still here? Questions, questions, questions.
I am not sure I have any answers. I do, however, have some opinions and ideas that I will share with you.

• Can we have closure if we were unable to be with our loved at their passing?

Grief is a funny (not humorous but odd) thing. It affects different people in different ways. For some,  being at the bed side of a loved one expressing love, and saying good byes does bring that sense of finality that we are looking for. For others it does not. I was in the same house with my husband when he died. I was not in the same room or at his side. I was not able to say any last comforting words. I am not sure if I would have felt more of a sense of closure if I had been able to. It was the same when my father passed. I was at work at the time. I arrived at the house after he had gone. We knew Dad was not in good health. We felt like he was on "borrowed" time. Still when that day came there were the usual regrets of things left unsaid and undone. Time brought closure.

• Should there even be a sense of closure? or should we just hold on as though nothing has changed?

This might sound like a strange question. Believe it or not some people live like that. Keeping the room of a loved one the same. Never moving or changing anything even though they have been gone for years. These folks have not been able to bring a sense of closure to their lives. They can not move on.
Maybe it is a feeling of being disloyal to the one who has passed.
Maybe it is a feeling that life will never be that good again.
Maybe it is a feeling of being unfaithful in the case of a spouse.
 I do not know. My opinion is, this kind of thinking can not be healthy physically or mentally. If you are saying, "But you don't know how I feel." Let me tell you I do.
 It is coming up on three years since Daniel passed away. Have I moved on? Let's say I am in the process of moving on. Every time I get into my van I am reminded of the day we bought it. September of 2010. Daniel and I took our two grandsons to the car lot. Daniel had received a scratch off flyer in the mail saying he had won something. The boys were so excited to know what it was. We felt it would be a good experience for them to find out how these things really worked. :)
We NEVER intended to buy a new van. Our old van was not in the best condition, but it was paid for.
One thing led to another and we ended up driving off the lot in my "dream" car. November 19, 2010 at 12:00 pm Daniel was gone.Almost one month to the day later. I have kept the car because I can not afford to get a different one. Not because "it is the one we bought together and I will never let it go" state of mind. I have peace. I have contentment. Peace has a lot to do with my faith in God. Knowing that Daniel is with God.  Time and faith are bringing that  satisfying sense of  closure. It brings healing to my heart.


 

Time marches on..........

Minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days turn to months and months to years as time marches on. How are you doing on this walk with grief?  They (whomever "they"are) say time heals all wounds. I am not sure time can completely heal the wounds left by grief. Some losses are so great with wounds so deep they never seem to heal. There it is looming up in every area of our lives. That huge vacant space left by the loss of our loved one. As time passes, we try to fill it with other things. Anything, to ease the pain and fill the void. Many fall into a depression and turn to medications for help. Others turn to activities or even people. Some try to loose themselves and the pain in a bottle. But it is always still there. Life has changed drastically and it will never be the same again. No amount of time will change that. (sigh) How do we cope? Can we cope? I think of the firemen that lost their lives in the terrible forest fire in Arizona. The families left do deal with this huge loss. I am sure they are asking these questions.

Is there an answer, you ask. Will I ever be free of the pain and grief? I do not know. I say that because a lot depends on where you are looking for answers. The first step for me was accepting that every thing had changed and would never be the same again. From the way I bought groceries and fixed meals to the place where I live........all changed. Change does not come easy for us older folks. It has been two years and seven months since my husband passed away. I am beginning to accept that my life will never be the same.
The second step for me was changing how I was filling the "void" left by Daniel's passing. Without really realizing it, I began to put my son in the place of his father. Leaning heavily on him emotionally. Feeling hurt and upset when he couldn't fill the void. In the past year I came face to face with the reality of what I was doing. No one can take Daniel's place in my life.
The third step for me has been a step of faith. Time has not healed my wounds. It has not eased the pain of loss. It has not been a comfort to me much at all. I found myself looking back in time instead of looking forward. I even went back to the place Daniel and I lived for so many years. There was no healing there. Now I am back to Washington where we last lived. Did all this moving around change things? No. Did it comfort me? No, not really. What did and does?
The answer to that question is Jesus Christ. Psalm 147:3 " The Lord heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds."  I can testify to that fact. When nothing else can heal that awful wound, He can and will. Reach out to Him, let him bind up your broken heart and fill the empty spaces. Let Jesus bring back the joy in your life.

Not in my own strength........

How are you doing? Just a little note to let you know I am thinking of you and praying for you.

I have been listening to a song entitled "I Still Glory in The Cross" by the Mike Bowling family. The words have ministered to me today, so I thought I would share some of them with you.

"I am only standing now because of mercy"............
  Is that not the truth? As I look back on the past 2 1/2 years, I see many, many times I stood by the grace and mercy of God alone. I know some of you have just recently lost your husband or someone close to you. Those of us who have been down the road a ways understand what you are going through, and tell you it will get better. In the mean time, hang on to faith.

Another part of the song says:

"If everything I own were taken from me,

All the things of earth I hold so dear,

I were left alone to face tomorrow,

I still have no cause to doubt or fear...."

Oh boy do we know how that feels. I know I felt like I was cut in half. It seemed like part of me was/is missing. I was left alone to face tomorrow. At least it seemed that way at the time. I am thinking about and praying for a young woman who lost her husband last week. They have five children, and live on a ranch in Montana. He was a pilot flying back home, when his plane went down and he was killed. I am sure she is suffering the pain of those first days of loss. Even though we know our husbands were men of faith, we still feel that pain of loss. If you have not experienced such a loss, it is nearly impossible to describe that kind of pain. I know I thought I knew and could sympathize with those who were suffering loss, but.......no....I now know I was clueless.

As I look back, I see I was never alone. God was with me every step of the way. I always thought I was a strong women of faith until that day, November 19th 2010, I realized in my own strength I could NOT face what was ahead. The second thing I realized is we don't have to. (smile)
Hang in there !!






　

Spring............

Spring. My Daniel loved spring. The first warm days of spring would find him outside doing something. He loved to garden. Every place we lived, here in the Midwest, he had a garden spot of some kind. The first project he began when we moved to Washington was making a small garden spot in the back yard. Daniel bought garden magazines and began pouring over them in February.  In the Midwest it is still very cold and snowy in February. That didn't seem to bother him. By the time planting season rolled around he was ready. Now I should tell you that my Daniel was no ordinary gardener. He loved to try new gardening ideas. One year he decided to plant cucumbers in pots. That was fine, but he thought the best place for them to grow was all lined up along the front porch. Needless to say it was great weather for cucumbers that year. The vines went everywhere. We could hardly go out the front door without stepping on cucumbers. :) I can smile at the memory now. I am sure I was not happy about it at the time.  I think I have told you the story of the jalapenos and the ensuing war with the deer.

I think Daniel's most interesting garden, and the one he is famous for to this day, is the bucket garden. Now maybe that doesn't sound "foreign" to you. However, to me, a homegrown Iowa women, it was completely wrong. My grand mother's garden, my dad's garden, in fact every garden I had ever known all my life was planted in neat straight rows of rich Iowa soil. So, a garden planted in five gallon buckets was just weird to me. I did not have the sense of adventure that he had when it came to gardening. Instead of rows of peas, green beans, radishes, corn and squash.  WE had rows of buckets of tomatoes, zucchini and pepper plants. (Daniel loved to grow peppers)

With such difference of how a garden should be planted, spring brought some arguments to our household. I never won any of them. He finally got to the place he would just go ahead and do what he wanted anyway. Even though I tried to tell him flowers would be more appropriate hanging on the front porch than upside down pots with tomatoes growing out of them.
(sigh) Those were the days.

As the weather begins to warm up here and the grass turns green, I would give anything to see my Daniel out there making preparations to plant his garden. There would be no arguments about how or what he planted. There would only be joy and watching him work. I think one of my biggest regrets is the wasted time we spent arguing about things that did not matter. I would love to be able to trade all those minutes in for days with my husband once again.

My tip for you today......if you are blessed to have your husband or wife still with you, think twice about what you waste your time on. We have no assurance of tomorrow. Recently a friend of mine was visiting with a friend on Saturday and on Monday his friend was dead. I am sure each of you have heard similar stories. Maybe you have experience them. I know I have. Daniel and I went out to breakfast and by noon he was gone.  Take if from someone who knows, cherish each day you have together. It may be your last.

 

2013,,,,,,,,Year 3

Here we are two months into a new year. I am sorry I have not been able to post something sooner. The holidays were difficult for me this year. I am sure they were for you too.  Daniel's birthday came and went in January. These "milestone" dates are hard to get through sometimes.
Let me recap these past few months for you.
Let's start with December:
Christmas can be a difficult time or a joyous time. Some of the things that made the season difficult for me were these:

• Sending Christmas cards. I love to send out cards at Christmas time. I would always pick out what I thought were the most beautiful cards with just the right message. However, since Daniel passed away I have not enjoyed this as much. Signing just my name doesn't seem "right" somehow. This year I did a few cards, but switched to a letter. It came just from me, about my activities. It was easier to sign just my name.
• The gifts. Daniel always wanted to buy the gift for our son. He seemed to know just what to get. I, on the other hand, loved to buy the gifts for our grand children. Since they were in Washington with me here in Iowa, it was difficult to know what to do. They all got gift cards or money. I am sure that was fine with them, but for me.......not so much.
• The gatherings. Daniel was not so big on these. Especially after he had his stroke in 2003. He preferred small get togethers. One on one.  He loved getting with our son and his family. Watching the kids open their gifts. So, this past season, all the gatherings were difficult to get through. In fact I did not make it to some of them.

There were times of joy too:

• The programs. Daniel was not big on going to the Christmas programs, but I loved them. This past season I got to enjoy the programs of my nephews two kids. They were so cute dressed in their "Christmas clothes". This brought much joy to me during a very difficult time.
• Receiving cards. Again this was not Daniel's thing. Oh, he liked to look at the cards we received. He would smile because I would be so excited about them. :) I still get excited about getting Christmas cards in the mail.  I hang them all up and make sure I have sent one back to those I receive from. Since I was living with my nephew this season, his son Lucas (age 5) helped me hang up my cards as they came in the mail. He loved doing this and brought me joy during times of grief this past season.
• Church services. Christmas is a time of rejoicing for Christians. When you are in the grieving process, rejoicing is not always easy. Worship is though. Through all the time of sadness or missing our loved one, we can still worship our Saviour. Rejoice? I have to be honest with you, no, I could not always rejoice. Some day I am sure I will be able to do that. I did worship though and it brought joy to my heart. 

New year's day came and went. I could hardly believe another year had passed. As we moved into January, memories of  Daniel's birthday loomed in the distance. Why is it so special? When our son and daughter-in-law notified us that our first grand child was to be born, we were so excited. Then we found out she would be born on or near Daniel's birthday. He was over the moon with excitement. However, when it came down to the time, the doctor changed the date from his birthday on the 28th to the 27th. Needless to say Daniel was not happy with that Dr. So....he changed his birthday to hers. On paper his was still January 28th, but all celebrations were done on hers, January 27th.  This day was the most difficult for me. I could not seem to stop the sadness or the flow of tears on this day. I missed him so much.

 

Now we are into February. Valentine's day is coming up. Last year I posted some pictures of the cards I saved from past Valentine's days. Daniel always (most always) gave me a card and a box of candy on that day. The size of the box of candy would depend on how close the day was to pay day. :)

The small things that Daniel always did are missing from my life now. I have these "gaps" or holes in my life now. Some would say wounds. As I enter into year 3, I notice that the pain of the "wounds" is diminishing. The holes and gaps are starting to fill in with other "small" things. I think I am healing. This is a good thing. I have made the decision to go back to Washington to live the rest of my days. I have been so "unsettled" these last three years. Partly due to trauma, partly due to just being lost without Daniel in my life. I think it is time for me to go "home" and be settled.

 

How are you all doing? I would love to hear from you. You can comment here or on the e-mail address or at grnmaj@live.com

I pray for you all. I trust God is helping you through your grief. Hang in there. There is a light.......there is hope......there is peace......there is a new day.

The Day.........

November is almost over. Although this is the second year since my Daniel went home to be with the Lord, I have struggled more this year than last. I am not sure why. In my mind the rational thing would be "the further down the road you get from the incident the less grief you will have". It is not working out that way this year. The actual day, November 19th, was  very difficult for me. Lots of tears and regrets etc.....  Again I am not sure why.  Thanksgiving day 2010 was the day we were making plans for Daniel's memorial service. Family and friends had arrived from Iowa and Texas. Yes, we had a Thanksgiving  supper. ( I had already made preparations for Thanksgiving dinner before Daniel passed away). I was busy that day. It helped me keep my mind off of things.
This year I was not sure I could cope with this day.
 Because of my struggling I have not been able to post anything on the blog. I apologize for that. The purpose of the blog is to share what I have been going through, and perhaps help or encourage you along your walk with grief.
Since the "Day" has passed I have pondered these things:

• Each "walk" is going to be different. People will tell you that it will get easier as time goes by. it may for you and again it may take a lot of time. There is no pattern to follow. I can share my experience with you hoping that something that has happened to me will help you along your way. BUT your walk will not be the same as mine.
• Only God can help us over the rough spots. Being surrounded with people who love us and mean well does not always "help".
• We can not go forward with our lives, if you are always looking back.

I want to share a little more on that last one. I seem to be struggling with getting on with my life. I am always looking back to the way things were. They will never be that way again. I can not seem to find my place so to speak. When I was in Washington, I was always wondering if I should be in Iowa. Now that I am in Iowa I am wondering if I should have stayed in Washington.  My last memories of Daniel are connected with Washington. Until I can come to terms with going forward with out him at my side, I am not sure I will be able to go forward.
Then comes the question Do we need to go forward? Can't we just drift along with the tide? Just continue on day to day? Taking each day in "stride"?
I do not know what your spouse would say, but I can hear Daniel saying "You need to move on!"
I carry one of the little memorial cards from Daniel's service in my purse. It was a comfort for me at first, and now I just like having it there.  It has his picture in it and this poem.

 

Miss Me - But Let Me Go

 

When I come to the end of the road

And the sun has set for me

I want to rites of gloom filled room,

Why cry for a soul set free.

 

Miss me a little - but not too long,

And not with your head bowed low,

Remember the love that we once shared,

Miss me - but let me go.

 

For this is a journey we all must take,

And each must go alone,

It's all part of the Master's plan,

A step on the road to home.

 

When you are lonely and sick of heart,

go to the friends we know,

Bury your sorrow in doing good deeds,

Miss me - but let me go.

 

If I could say something to him, I would say "That is not as easy to do as it sounds". :)

I know I have said this in other posts, but it bares repeating. We can NOT stay in this same place of sadness. It is not healthy and NOT what our loved one would want. Again, I do not know the answers. However, I do know the one who does. I do know that the Holy Spirit is our comforter. There are times when I need Him to cover me like a big warm comforter and He does. When your "day" comes around, let the Lord Jesus and family and friends help you through it. They (whoever they are)say it gets easier with time. I have to admit in some ways it has, but not always. Go forward my fellow grief walkers. Go forward.

 



Life happens.....

"......life will give you a broken dream full of sorrow and fear......."
This is a line of a song I was to sing at church on November 11th. Veterans day. When I came to that line in the song, waves of sorrow and grief and fear swept over me. I could not go on. I was instantly transported back to November 19th 2010. The memory of the sorrow that filled me on that day was so real once again. The fear that was to grip me like a  vise for weeks, months even, seemed so real once again. At noon on that day my dreams and plans came to a screeching halt never to be fulfilled.
Stuff happens to us. Life happens to us. We hope for happiness, but sometimes we are dealt heartache and sorrow. I think of all the ladies who have lost husbands, sons, daughters in war. That knock, the officer standing at the door. Perhaps it was a phone call or telegram. The same sorrow I felt two years ago comes to any of us who have experienced such a loss. What happens next?
For me it went like this. I wrestled with the fear. If you have read my first posts, you know I slept with my cell phone in my hand. Not just on my pillow or beside my bed but in my hand for weeks. I kept it with me in my pocket during the day. Some how having the phone right there kept the fear a bay.
How do you cope? One day at a time. One hour at a time. Sometimes one moment at a time. Meeting each wave of sorrow head on with prayer for strength to go on. Wondering how you will ever make it though. Knowing it will be only with the help of God almighty.
As long as we have breath in our body, we are subject to the ups and downs of life. Sometimes folks feel like they are "exempt" some how from the broken dreams of life. We are not.
The next line of the song is ".......turn around don't look back again. Face the new day before you. Place your heartache in Jesus' hands. He can mend broken dreams......"
I feel like I am reaching that turning point. As I approach the second anniversary of Daniel's passing, I am sad but not disheartened. This gives me hope that I can turn around and face the new day before me.
“ Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28
Place your heartache in Jesus hands.  I did.