The year is almost gone. There are only two grains of sand left in the hour glass of 2011. Then we will flip it over to start the passing of 2012. I am learning how to live with all the changes that have come to my life. Daniel and I were married 43 years. When someone has been an intricate part of your life for that long, then suddenly they are gone, a huge void is left. It is hard to know what to do with the drastic change that it brings to your life. At first it seems that the changes are subtle. I know I was so caught up in the grief of loss I did not notice some of the things. I didn't even try to deal with them. Over a year has gone by now and I am beginning to face these changes.
The Traditions:
Christmas is a time of celebration, but also a time of family traditions. The first Christmas after Daniel's death we tried to keep things the same. Go on as usual.
Yes, it was hard not to have him there. This year, however, change was thrust upon us. My son had some health issues that caused us to look at our Christmas plans and make some changes. I think this was a good thing for me. Instead of us gathering as a family on Christmas eve to have a dinner and open gifts, I went to Christmas eve services at church. It was a beautiful candle light service. The message and the worship were wonderfully up lifting. Was it easy to reconcile myself to this HUGE change? No, not at first.
For years our family has always gathered together on Christmas eve. When our children were small, my brothers and sister and their families would gather at our parents house every Christmas eve for a meal and gift exchange. As families grew larger and Mom and Dad became more frail, we stopped going to their house, but continued the tradition. When our children began to marry and have children, we branched out to having Christmas eve at our own homes. But, we continued this tradition.When our son and his family moved to the Pacific Northwest and we still lived in the Midwest, Christmas was very hard for me. We sent large packages of gifts to them. We called and had Christmas over the phone or the computer. BUT it was still on Christmas eve. We tried to keep up the tradition.
Again, how to reconcile to huge changes to the traditions in the family after the death of a loved one. I look around and notice there are folks who can't seem to make that big step. Years after the passing of a loved one they are still stuck in that place of grief and loss. It is hard to let go of things that have been such a intricate part of you and your life for so long. It is like being wound up in a vine or thread. Not being able to find a place to free yourself from the tangle, it is easier sometimes to just try to keep things the same. The problem is things do not stay the same. Change happens whether we want it to or not.
What to do? Well, I was sad for a bit. When it became very clear my son would not be able to have our traditional Christmas eve, we began to make some new plans. I hosted a Christmas party with some friends from church. We had lots of good food and fun and gifts. It was different, but it was good. It was not on Christmas eve, it was not our usual tradition, it was change. Next I made other plans for Christmas eve. I can not remember when I have been to church on Christmas eve. Change. I made some cookies for a cookie exchange at church. Not the normal baking and candy making I usually do, change. It was all good.
Now the door to a new year is opening before me. What changes will it bring? Will I be able to embrace them? Will I be able to accept that my life is not the same and move on? Yes, I believe with God's help I will be able to do this. I don't want to be stuck. Daniel would not want me to be stuck in life and not be able to go forward. Memories, YES! Missing him, YES! (everyday) but in a different way.
Let's see if we can embrace this new year. Not walking alone.......no not alone. Walking with each other and with the Lord at our side. I would like to hear from you. Let me know how you are working through the changes that are coming your way. My e-mail address is thereislight2011@hotmail.com
Oh and yes, we did have a family Christmas celebration on Christmas day. My daughter-in-law made some wonderful food, and we had all the other "trimmings" of a family celebrations. It was change and it was good.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
How to begin again......
12:00 PM November 19th 2010 my world came to a screeching halt. Life as I knew it stopped that day. Sure I went through the motions the next few days, but it did not seem real. It was about this time last year that I began to start again. I had been going back to church. One Sunday my pastor came to me and gently asked me if I would consider joining with some others to form a small choir for the Christmas program. Not only did he want me to sing, he wanted me to speak as well. My first reaction was NO. (I didn't yell at him out loud, but I was yelling in my head.) I just knew I could never do anything like that again. His words were, " Will you pray about it?" That I could not say no to. Little did I know it was the jump start that I needed to begin living again.
Let me give you a little back ground so you can see the Lord's hand working through all this. I had only been going to this church since we had moved into the area a little over a year earlier. However, it was my understanding that they usually had a play for Christmas. This year the pastor felt they should do something different. He chose to have a choir, and songs that told the Christmas story. He asked different ones to give their testimony in between the songs. My song was "Oh Holy Night". My favorite Christmas carol. Can you see how the Lord is working here? I am thankful we have a pastor who is willing not only to listen to the voice of the Lord but do what He says.
It wasn't that I had never sang before. I have been a singer all my life. It wasn't that I was afraid of speaking. I have done that most of my adult life too. It was the fact that I had stopped living the day Daniel died. I was breathing and walking around, but there was no life in me. I did not know if I could regain life. I was not even sure I wanted to.
Pastor came to me again and gently, that is his way, nudged me. He said he thought my testimony would be a blessing to others. The Holy Spirit nudged me too. He took me by the hand, and I said yes to the pastor. What to say? What could I say about the song? How could I keep from being reduced to tears? All of these things went through my mind as I began to prepare for the program. One night as I lay in bed the words started to come to me. I got up and wrote them down. It was not a long speech, but it came from the Holy Spirit.
We were scheduled to preform twice that Sunday morning. I was hoping I could get through it once let alone twice. My grand children came with me. My grandson Sam sat about the second or third row from the front right at the end of the pew. When it was my time to speak, I went to the microphone and began. Tears came to my eyes. Would I be able to hold it together, I wondered. I looked out at my grandson. He had a big smile on his face, and gave me a thumbs up. He will never know what that meant to me that day.
This time last year I received the jump start I needed to start living again. I don't know where you are in your time of grief, but sooner or later you will need to begin again. Life will never be the "same". My life today is not the same. Everything changed from my daily routine, to the way I buy groceries and cook meals. BUT, I am starting to live again. I hope and pray you will too. Come out of the depths of despair. Am I still sad? Yes. Do I still miss Daniel? Yes, every day. Will I ever get used to it? I am not sure.
I do know that God holds me in the palm of His hand and keeps me day by day. I do know that He will do the same for you.
As we head toward a new year, my prayer is that you will begin to live again if you have not already.
"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:11
Let me give you a little back ground so you can see the Lord's hand working through all this. I had only been going to this church since we had moved into the area a little over a year earlier. However, it was my understanding that they usually had a play for Christmas. This year the pastor felt they should do something different. He chose to have a choir, and songs that told the Christmas story. He asked different ones to give their testimony in between the songs. My song was "Oh Holy Night". My favorite Christmas carol. Can you see how the Lord is working here? I am thankful we have a pastor who is willing not only to listen to the voice of the Lord but do what He says.
It wasn't that I had never sang before. I have been a singer all my life. It wasn't that I was afraid of speaking. I have done that most of my adult life too. It was the fact that I had stopped living the day Daniel died. I was breathing and walking around, but there was no life in me. I did not know if I could regain life. I was not even sure I wanted to.
Pastor came to me again and gently, that is his way, nudged me. He said he thought my testimony would be a blessing to others. The Holy Spirit nudged me too. He took me by the hand, and I said yes to the pastor. What to say? What could I say about the song? How could I keep from being reduced to tears? All of these things went through my mind as I began to prepare for the program. One night as I lay in bed the words started to come to me. I got up and wrote them down. It was not a long speech, but it came from the Holy Spirit.
We were scheduled to preform twice that Sunday morning. I was hoping I could get through it once let alone twice. My grand children came with me. My grandson Sam sat about the second or third row from the front right at the end of the pew. When it was my time to speak, I went to the microphone and began. Tears came to my eyes. Would I be able to hold it together, I wondered. I looked out at my grandson. He had a big smile on his face, and gave me a thumbs up. He will never know what that meant to me that day.
This time last year I received the jump start I needed to start living again. I don't know where you are in your time of grief, but sooner or later you will need to begin again. Life will never be the "same". My life today is not the same. Everything changed from my daily routine, to the way I buy groceries and cook meals. BUT, I am starting to live again. I hope and pray you will too. Come out of the depths of despair. Am I still sad? Yes. Do I still miss Daniel? Yes, every day. Will I ever get used to it? I am not sure.
I do know that God holds me in the palm of His hand and keeps me day by day. I do know that He will do the same for you.
As we head toward a new year, my prayer is that you will begin to live again if you have not already.
"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:11
Thursday, November 17, 2011
How are you doing?..........
People come up to me asking this question. Immediately I am thinking, "Do they really want to know how I am or do they just want me to tell them what they want to hear." Since, I am a Christian I believe it is a sin to lie. So..... I try my best to tell them "how I am doing" with out making them feel uncomfortable or lying.(Not saying I am great when I know I am anything but.)
Responses:
I am doing ok - means I am bearly keeping it together long enough to get through this conversation.
I am hanging on(with a cheerful smile) - I am holding on. Not crying, but it is just under the surface.
I am just fine - means this is a good day. Sadness under control today.
I have tried telling folks exactly how I am feeling. For awhile it seems they are sympathetic and even prayerful and encouraging. But.....for the most part folks just want you to get over it and move on with your life. It just isn't always that easy. There are good days when you can put things behind you and yes, move on. Then there are days when you are simply overwhelmed with it all. You can not possibly say, "I am fine" and mean it. If I happen to find myself searching for the answer to "how are you doing?" on one of those days, I have found it is best to just smile and say "I will talk to you later".
It will be a year this week since my husband passed away. It may have been longer since you lost a loved one. "Getting over it" takes time. The amount of time it takes is different for each of us. There is no formula for how long it takes. Don't feel "bad" about yourself if you are not "getting over it" in what you feel is the perscribed amount of time.
People who care about you are really sincere when they ask how you are doing. They really want to know. Your family and close friends will be able to tell how you are feeling and "doing" by just looking at you. Seeing the tears in your eyes with emotions bearly under control. These are the ones to turn to on those really bad days. They will always be willing to hold you up when you can't hold yourself up. No matter how long it takes. If they are Christians, they will pray with you and for you.
The most important one asking this question loves you so much He gave His life for you. Jesus Christ. How are you doing, my child?, He says. He knows you are hurting. He wants you to come to Him for comfort and rest. Jesus will lift you up wrapped in the "Comforter", the Holy Spirit. He will carry you when you can not carry yourself. He is the light at the end of this dark tunnel you find yourself in.
PSALMS 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.(Key word to hold on to is "present". He is here in the midst of this present trouble holding on to you. Keeping you from falling completely apart.)
Responses:
I am doing ok - means I am bearly keeping it together long enough to get through this conversation.
I am hanging on(with a cheerful smile) - I am holding on. Not crying, but it is just under the surface.
I am just fine - means this is a good day. Sadness under control today.
I have tried telling folks exactly how I am feeling. For awhile it seems they are sympathetic and even prayerful and encouraging. But.....for the most part folks just want you to get over it and move on with your life. It just isn't always that easy. There are good days when you can put things behind you and yes, move on. Then there are days when you are simply overwhelmed with it all. You can not possibly say, "I am fine" and mean it. If I happen to find myself searching for the answer to "how are you doing?" on one of those days, I have found it is best to just smile and say "I will talk to you later".
It will be a year this week since my husband passed away. It may have been longer since you lost a loved one. "Getting over it" takes time. The amount of time it takes is different for each of us. There is no formula for how long it takes. Don't feel "bad" about yourself if you are not "getting over it" in what you feel is the perscribed amount of time.
People who care about you are really sincere when they ask how you are doing. They really want to know. Your family and close friends will be able to tell how you are feeling and "doing" by just looking at you. Seeing the tears in your eyes with emotions bearly under control. These are the ones to turn to on those really bad days. They will always be willing to hold you up when you can't hold yourself up. No matter how long it takes. If they are Christians, they will pray with you and for you.
The most important one asking this question loves you so much He gave His life for you. Jesus Christ. How are you doing, my child?, He says. He knows you are hurting. He wants you to come to Him for comfort and rest. Jesus will lift you up wrapped in the "Comforter", the Holy Spirit. He will carry you when you can not carry yourself. He is the light at the end of this dark tunnel you find yourself in.
PSALMS 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.(Key word to hold on to is "present". He is here in the midst of this present trouble holding on to you. Keeping you from falling completely apart.)
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Anniversary.......Holidays.....
November 19th a day forever etched in my mind. One year ago on that day my husband passed away. As we draw nearer to that "anniversary", the memories come marching through my mind like an unwanted parade. Images that I have pushed back into the far corners of my memory come boldly to the fore front. Refusing to be pushed back easily. When I walk into the bedroom, I see Daniel lying there on the floor once again. I hear sirens and remember them coming down my street.
I think back to this day one year ago and wish I had known then what I know now. He only had five days left to live. Then sadness comes.With it "what ifs" and guilt. How will I make it past this day? Since this is my first experience with such a loss, I am not sure. I can only lean on the things that I do know for sure.
Prayer, faith in a God that loves me, confidence that Daniel is with that same God. Peace and comfort that only the Holy Spirit can bring.
Close on the heels of the "anniversary" is the first holiday. Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving last year family and friends were arriving to be here for the memorial service. We had a house full of people. Folks coming and going bringing in food. We were busy making preparations for the service as well. This year it is different. Our extended family all live in the Midwest. They will not be coming to help us past this difficult time. How will we make it through this holiday that is shrouded in memory of our loss? I realized since having more people here was such a blessing last year,so I have invited another family to come join us on Thanksgiving day. If you are struggling as I am, invite family and friends over or go visit them. Surround yourself with others during this time.
We have a month before the next set of holidays. Christmas eve was always a special time for us to be together with our son and his family. When we lived in the Midwest, they would come to our house (or we would go to theirs).When we moved out here, we continued that tradition. Last year was difficult, but we made it through. I got a tree and the kids helped me decorate it. I put out all the decorations around the house. We exchanged gifts, had some food, and played Christmas music. There was a pallor of sadness that overlay it all, but we made it through. This year I am not sure how it will be. In the past, Daniel liked for me to get presents for the kids. He, on the other hand, would do the shopping for our son. He would see a special hunting knife or something, and feel that he had just the right gift.
Family traditions change when a family member is no longer there. Perhaps from a death or even just moving away. If we try to carry on things-as-they-always-were, there is a vacancy in the activities left by the loved one who has gone on. This emptiness can make the memories harder to live with. By making a change, we create some new memories. Making a change can be a good thing and help us get through these difficult days.
By the time I reach New Year's day, I will have passed the worst of it. One full year come and gone since my Daniel went home to be with the Lord. Looking forward I will wonder what the next months and days will hold.
Holiday time can be a lonely time for those of us who have lost our mate. The things that you used to do as a couple are left for you to do alone. Remember there is one who will never leave us. His name is Jesus and this is the promise He has made.
I think back to this day one year ago and wish I had known then what I know now. He only had five days left to live. Then sadness comes.With it "what ifs" and guilt. How will I make it past this day? Since this is my first experience with such a loss, I am not sure. I can only lean on the things that I do know for sure.
Prayer, faith in a God that loves me, confidence that Daniel is with that same God. Peace and comfort that only the Holy Spirit can bring.
Close on the heels of the "anniversary" is the first holiday. Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving last year family and friends were arriving to be here for the memorial service. We had a house full of people. Folks coming and going bringing in food. We were busy making preparations for the service as well. This year it is different. Our extended family all live in the Midwest. They will not be coming to help us past this difficult time. How will we make it through this holiday that is shrouded in memory of our loss? I realized since having more people here was such a blessing last year,so I have invited another family to come join us on Thanksgiving day. If you are struggling as I am, invite family and friends over or go visit them. Surround yourself with others during this time.
We have a month before the next set of holidays. Christmas eve was always a special time for us to be together with our son and his family. When we lived in the Midwest, they would come to our house (or we would go to theirs).When we moved out here, we continued that tradition. Last year was difficult, but we made it through. I got a tree and the kids helped me decorate it. I put out all the decorations around the house. We exchanged gifts, had some food, and played Christmas music. There was a pallor of sadness that overlay it all, but we made it through. This year I am not sure how it will be. In the past, Daniel liked for me to get presents for the kids. He, on the other hand, would do the shopping for our son. He would see a special hunting knife or something, and feel that he had just the right gift.
Family traditions change when a family member is no longer there. Perhaps from a death or even just moving away. If we try to carry on things-as-they-always-were, there is a vacancy in the activities left by the loved one who has gone on. This emptiness can make the memories harder to live with. By making a change, we create some new memories. Making a change can be a good thing and help us get through these difficult days.
By the time I reach New Year's day, I will have passed the worst of it. One full year come and gone since my Daniel went home to be with the Lord. Looking forward I will wonder what the next months and days will hold.
Holiday time can be a lonely time for those of us who have lost our mate. The things that you used to do as a couple are left for you to do alone. Remember there is one who will never leave us. His name is Jesus and this is the promise He has made.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Blue days......
(sigh) What to say. How to say it.
Sometimes a sadness covers me like a blanket. I try to go about my normal activities, but I can not.
My grandsons both play little league football. I like to go to their games and even to their practices. Last Saturday I was setting in the stadium waiting for the game to begin. I could look to the north and see Mount Baker's snow capped peak against the clear blue sky. It was one of those absolutely beautiful days that happen out here. Warm, not a cloud in the sky, and you can see for miles. As I set there looking "normal", tears were running down my cheeks. I tried to wipe them away discreetly, and blow my nose with out notice. Covered in a blanket of sadness on such a day did not seem normal. What caused it?
I am not sure what causes these days, but I can tell you as time goes by they come less frequently. On this particular day, when I looked at the mountains, my mind immediately went to memories of a trip Daniel and I took. He loved going to the mountains. We had taken a trip up into the Cascade mountains to Mount Baker. At least as close as we could get to it. My next thoughts were to him expressing his wishes several times to go there again. (sigh) We never did.
There always seemed to be something keeping us from going.
This sadness hovered over me like a cloud for several days.
Sometimes it only lasts for hours. Then again sometimes it lasts for days. I have tried to shake it off by listening to music or going some place. You can try talking to someone who understands. Eventually it will pass and you can move on. Reading some of your favorite passages of scripture helps. Looking at pictures of a trip or time of celebration that you shared with your loved one helps too.
It is ok to recall the special times and memories. The hard part is to not be drawn to a place of regret and guilt. I am still in the learning process on that one.
My Daniel has been gone 11 months now. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Is it getting easier? Yes. Is the pain of loss still there? Oh yes. However, it is not quite as sharp as it used to be. Is the loneliness still there? Yes again, but I am not crying all the time. Just some of the time.
Hold on my friends. Again if you need someone to talk to my e-mail address is
thereislight2011@hotmail.com
Psalm 9:1-2
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God, in him will I trust.
Sometimes a sadness covers me like a blanket. I try to go about my normal activities, but I can not.
My grandsons both play little league football. I like to go to their games and even to their practices. Last Saturday I was setting in the stadium waiting for the game to begin. I could look to the north and see Mount Baker's snow capped peak against the clear blue sky. It was one of those absolutely beautiful days that happen out here. Warm, not a cloud in the sky, and you can see for miles. As I set there looking "normal", tears were running down my cheeks. I tried to wipe them away discreetly, and blow my nose with out notice. Covered in a blanket of sadness on such a day did not seem normal. What caused it?
I am not sure what causes these days, but I can tell you as time goes by they come less frequently. On this particular day, when I looked at the mountains, my mind immediately went to memories of a trip Daniel and I took. He loved going to the mountains. We had taken a trip up into the Cascade mountains to Mount Baker. At least as close as we could get to it. My next thoughts were to him expressing his wishes several times to go there again. (sigh) We never did.
There always seemed to be something keeping us from going.
This sadness hovered over me like a cloud for several days.
Sometimes it only lasts for hours. Then again sometimes it lasts for days. I have tried to shake it off by listening to music or going some place. You can try talking to someone who understands. Eventually it will pass and you can move on. Reading some of your favorite passages of scripture helps. Looking at pictures of a trip or time of celebration that you shared with your loved one helps too.
It is ok to recall the special times and memories. The hard part is to not be drawn to a place of regret and guilt. I am still in the learning process on that one.
My Daniel has been gone 11 months now. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Is it getting easier? Yes. Is the pain of loss still there? Oh yes. However, it is not quite as sharp as it used to be. Is the loneliness still there? Yes again, but I am not crying all the time. Just some of the time.
Hold on my friends. Again if you need someone to talk to my e-mail address is
thereislight2011@hotmail.com
Psalm 9:1-2
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God, in him will I trust.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
What helps?.........
When I look back on those awful first days, weeks,months; I remember thinking that nothing would help to ease the hurt I felt. The ache in my heart. The void in my life. What would help? Was there anything that could?
I want to share some of the things that worked for me.
I could not seem to cope with the stillness in the house. Especially at night. I had trouble getting to sleep. Fear would grip me. My mind would be clouded with those awful last images of Daniel. It was during this time that I discovered if I put on some music it would help. I have a portable CD player here. I plugged it in right by the bed and played some music. Along with a nice letter I had received a CD from a friend back in the Midwest. It was by a southern gospel group called Crimson River. I put it in every night. The first song says,"when the glorious tomorrow becomes the glorious today..." I realized that is what it was like for Daniel. Heaven was "today" for him. Every song on there touched my heart. It seemed like at different times, a different song with a different message would reach out and comfort me and help me make it though one more long night. The male vocalist of the group had lost his wife not too long before the CD was recorded. He sings a very moving song entitled "I Place My Trust In You". It didn't happen over night, but gradually I began to do just that. Place my trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Take your time. Don't get rid of things too soon. I was told not to make any major decision for at least a year. That is probably good advice. I did, however, gather up Daniel's clothes and donate them to charity. I kept a few of his things. One of these was an old red plaid shirt. He loved that shirt. I remember trying to get him to throw it away. He would not. I bought him another shirt. He thought that was nice, but he kept the old red one anyway. It had been sewn and patched and was ready to fall apart, but he kept it. One of those long, long nights, I could not seem to stop crying. Tears flowed like a fountain without a shut off valve. I remembered the old red shirt in the closet. I got it down, gathered it up in my arms and laid back down in the bed. A peace came over me and I was able to sleep that night.
Don't hesitate to do familiar things that you did together. These are good memories and they helped me ease the pain. I think it will help you too. I put in some of our favorite movies, and set and watched them. We had watched them together many times. These were not "new" movies by any means, but it was comforting to watch them again.
Some find comfort in going to the cemetery. Daniel is not buried here so that was not an option for me. It did give me comfort to go to the places he liked to go to. Or, places we had gone to together.
Some things I still can not do. I have not been able to go back to the cafe where Daniel and I had breakfast on the day he died. It will soon be a year. I have not been able to go eat at the local cafe here in town where he went lots of times by himself for breakfast.
Daniel loved the word of God. He loved to read it and to memorize it. He took pride in memorizing scripture. This was no easy thing for him after his stroke. I have a recorder with him quoting the first chapter of Revelations. At first it was hard to hear his voice. As time passed it gives me comfort to play it from time to time.
One more thing. Talk! Talk to family, friends, church family. Most of all.....talk to the Lord. If you don't have anyone to talk to, e-mail me. I will pray with you and talk to you. Sometimes, I need to talk out loud here in this house. I sat on the couch one day and told Daniel all about a conversation regarding a neighbor who lived across the street from us back in Iowa. I could hear his answers in my head. I knew him well enough to know what he would say back to me. It gave me comfort.
I have a scripture for you:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." (Psalm 34:18)He will help you through this dark valley. There is a light....
thereislight2011@hotmail.com
I want to share some of the things that worked for me.
I could not seem to cope with the stillness in the house. Especially at night. I had trouble getting to sleep. Fear would grip me. My mind would be clouded with those awful last images of Daniel. It was during this time that I discovered if I put on some music it would help. I have a portable CD player here. I plugged it in right by the bed and played some music. Along with a nice letter I had received a CD from a friend back in the Midwest. It was by a southern gospel group called Crimson River. I put it in every night. The first song says,"when the glorious tomorrow becomes the glorious today..." I realized that is what it was like for Daniel. Heaven was "today" for him. Every song on there touched my heart. It seemed like at different times, a different song with a different message would reach out and comfort me and help me make it though one more long night. The male vocalist of the group had lost his wife not too long before the CD was recorded. He sings a very moving song entitled "I Place My Trust In You". It didn't happen over night, but gradually I began to do just that. Place my trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Take your time. Don't get rid of things too soon. I was told not to make any major decision for at least a year. That is probably good advice. I did, however, gather up Daniel's clothes and donate them to charity. I kept a few of his things. One of these was an old red plaid shirt. He loved that shirt. I remember trying to get him to throw it away. He would not. I bought him another shirt. He thought that was nice, but he kept the old red one anyway. It had been sewn and patched and was ready to fall apart, but he kept it. One of those long, long nights, I could not seem to stop crying. Tears flowed like a fountain without a shut off valve. I remembered the old red shirt in the closet. I got it down, gathered it up in my arms and laid back down in the bed. A peace came over me and I was able to sleep that night.
Don't hesitate to do familiar things that you did together. These are good memories and they helped me ease the pain. I think it will help you too. I put in some of our favorite movies, and set and watched them. We had watched them together many times. These were not "new" movies by any means, but it was comforting to watch them again.
Some find comfort in going to the cemetery. Daniel is not buried here so that was not an option for me. It did give me comfort to go to the places he liked to go to. Or, places we had gone to together.
Some things I still can not do. I have not been able to go back to the cafe where Daniel and I had breakfast on the day he died. It will soon be a year. I have not been able to go eat at the local cafe here in town where he went lots of times by himself for breakfast.
Daniel loved the word of God. He loved to read it and to memorize it. He took pride in memorizing scripture. This was no easy thing for him after his stroke. I have a recorder with him quoting the first chapter of Revelations. At first it was hard to hear his voice. As time passed it gives me comfort to play it from time to time.
One more thing. Talk! Talk to family, friends, church family. Most of all.....talk to the Lord. If you don't have anyone to talk to, e-mail me. I will pray with you and talk to you. Sometimes, I need to talk out loud here in this house. I sat on the couch one day and told Daniel all about a conversation regarding a neighbor who lived across the street from us back in Iowa. I could hear his answers in my head. I knew him well enough to know what he would say back to me. It gave me comfort.
I have a scripture for you:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." (Psalm 34:18)He will help you through this dark valley. There is a light....
thereislight2011@hotmail.com
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Aloneness.......
Daniel and I shared a space for 42 years. Even when we were not together it seemed as though we were connected. I remember telling other people that I wouldn't have any trouble living alone. I knew how to entertain myself. I loved to read etc....
I was clueless!
The day Daniel died a void came into my space where he had been. I noticed it almost immediately. I sat in the living room listening to the silence. Thinking how strange it was not to hear anyone else moving around in the house. How foreign it was to not feel the presence of someone else there.
A few days later, I was getting in my car and the older gentleman from across the way begin to ask about Daniel. I told him what had happened. He said something that really hit home with me. He said his wife had passed away 10 years ago, and the hard part was the silence. He said turning on the TV doesn't help. He was so right. The noise of the TV or radio does not fill that void.
Daniel had an artificial heart valve. His heart beat sounded like the ticking of a clock. I could hear him anywhere in the house. I found myself listening for the sound of that ticking. Only silence. I was alone.
How do you deal with being alone when you have been a couple for that long?
Again....I was clueless
Everything about my life had changed. When I went grocery shopping for the first time, I bought my usual things. Then I realized I bought those foods because that was what Daniel liked or the foods he could have. It took months before I began to change the way I shopped for food.
There is no one to talk to.
No one to tell the days events to.
No one to bounce ideas off of.
No one to give you their opinion on things.
My pastor came to visit me a few months after Daniel's death. I talked the poor man's ear off.
I remember another friend, who lost his wife to breast cancer, saying to me, "If I just had another woman to talk to." I thought that was a strange thing to say at the time. A few months later when my husband died, I knew exactly what he was feeling and why he said that.
There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness. I think aloneness leads to loneliness for some folks causing them to enter into another relationship too soon after the loss of a mate. That is not always the answer.
Then what is the answer? I have to say I don't know. I can tell you what I did. I started a journal. I began to write as though I was talking to Daniel. I told him everything I would have told him if he were here in person. I talked about the weather, the news, the grand kids, the bills, anything that came to mind. It really helped me.
There were days I would just set in my chair and cry. There were days I felt like God had abandoned me. I want to share this Psalm with you that says exactly what I was feeling.
Psalm 22:1-2
My God, my God why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me,and from the words of my roaring?
O my God, I cry in the day time, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent."He heard me. In my darkest nights He would send a friend to talk me through it. I had a friend back east. She was a night person. Even with the time difference, me on the west coast,and her in the Midwest. I would get on the computer and there she would be. She would talk to me or pray with me until peace came. There were family members that I could talk to as well.
Aloneness can take you to a very dark place if you let it. Reach out! Cry out! Talk to someone.
I have started this blog to share with you what I have experienced along this journey. If you need someone to talk to, you can use the e-mail address at the bottom of the page. I will be happy to talk to you. Don't give up on God! He is there by your side.
I was clueless!
The day Daniel died a void came into my space where he had been. I noticed it almost immediately. I sat in the living room listening to the silence. Thinking how strange it was not to hear anyone else moving around in the house. How foreign it was to not feel the presence of someone else there.
A few days later, I was getting in my car and the older gentleman from across the way begin to ask about Daniel. I told him what had happened. He said something that really hit home with me. He said his wife had passed away 10 years ago, and the hard part was the silence. He said turning on the TV doesn't help. He was so right. The noise of the TV or radio does not fill that void.
Daniel had an artificial heart valve. His heart beat sounded like the ticking of a clock. I could hear him anywhere in the house. I found myself listening for the sound of that ticking. Only silence. I was alone.
How do you deal with being alone when you have been a couple for that long?
Again....I was clueless
Everything about my life had changed. When I went grocery shopping for the first time, I bought my usual things. Then I realized I bought those foods because that was what Daniel liked or the foods he could have. It took months before I began to change the way I shopped for food.
There is no one to talk to.
No one to tell the days events to.
No one to bounce ideas off of.
No one to give you their opinion on things.
My pastor came to visit me a few months after Daniel's death. I talked the poor man's ear off.
I remember another friend, who lost his wife to breast cancer, saying to me, "If I just had another woman to talk to." I thought that was a strange thing to say at the time. A few months later when my husband died, I knew exactly what he was feeling and why he said that.
There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness. I think aloneness leads to loneliness for some folks causing them to enter into another relationship too soon after the loss of a mate. That is not always the answer.
Then what is the answer? I have to say I don't know. I can tell you what I did. I started a journal. I began to write as though I was talking to Daniel. I told him everything I would have told him if he were here in person. I talked about the weather, the news, the grand kids, the bills, anything that came to mind. It really helped me.
There were days I would just set in my chair and cry. There were days I felt like God had abandoned me. I want to share this Psalm with you that says exactly what I was feeling.
Psalm 22:1-2
My God, my God why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me,and from the words of my roaring?
O my God, I cry in the day time, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent."He heard me. In my darkest nights He would send a friend to talk me through it. I had a friend back east. She was a night person. Even with the time difference, me on the west coast,and her in the Midwest. I would get on the computer and there she would be. She would talk to me or pray with me until peace came. There were family members that I could talk to as well.
Aloneness can take you to a very dark place if you let it. Reach out! Cry out! Talk to someone.
I have started this blog to share with you what I have experienced along this journey. If you need someone to talk to, you can use the e-mail address at the bottom of the page. I will be happy to talk to you. Don't give up on God! He is there by your side.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Guilt.....Regret......Fear
Guilt......
I hear the sirens in the distance getting closer and closer. Then the paramedics are here, but it seems like they are moving in slow motion. I keep telling them to hurry, but I knew in my heart that Daniel was gone. I kept saying "I'm so sorry Daniel, Oh Daniel I am so sorry, I am so sorry" over and over. The paramedics must have thought we had been in a argument or fight or something. That was not the case.
In my mind I felt I should have prevented this from happening.
In my mind, it was my fault. I should have taken better care of him.
In my mind, I was thinking of all the things I should have done.
It didn't matter that we had see the cardiologist just the day before. It didn't matter that the Dr. had said Daniel's heart was fine. All I could think of in that moment was.....it is my fault he is gone. This feeling of guilt stayed in the forefront of my mind for months. It is still there in the back ground, and can easily be brought forward if I let it. I realize now that I could not have saved him. Perhaps we should have gotten a second opinion. I don't know. I go through the list of could of's, should have's, would have's every now and then. It does not bring peace. The only thing that brings peace is knowing Daniel knew and loved the Lord. He is with God in heaven right now and I will join him some day.
Regret......
I have lots of regrets. When I began to go through Daniel's things, I noticed all the "projects" that were unfinished. He had ordered the parts to fix the lawn mower, but he never felt well enough to fix it. He loved working on things. He had lots of tools, and talked about opening a repair shop of some kind. He had several weed eaters that he was working on too. He had ordered parts for them and actually got one of them fixed. He was working on a couple of walking sticks. He wanted to sand them down and refinish them. They are left undone in the garage. He was working on the yard. He had fixed up a garden spot, but he never got to plant in it. We had planned to go back to Iowa for a visit. We had made plans to see some of the places of interest here too. Now these plans will not be fulfilled.
I regret that we will not be able to do things together. I regret that he will not be here to see his grand kids grow up. I felt this urgent need to try to "finish" some of the things he wanted to do. I made the trip back to Iowa. One of the things he wanted to do was visit his parents graves and decorate them for memorial day. I went to do that while I was back there. It was much harder than I thought it would be. I had never been there before without him.
I regret I did not tell him how much I appreciated all the things he did for me. I guess I took them for granted. Now that he is gone and I have to "put out the garbage" my self, I realized what a chore it is. He always carried in all the groceries for me. If I could have a do over, there is one thing I would put at the top of my list of things to do over, don't be stingy with telling your loved ones how great they are. How much you appreciate them. How much they mean to you. Thank them for the things they do.
Fear.......
That first night I was overcome with fear. My wonderful daughter-in-law and grand daughter stayed the night with me. I tried to lay in the bed, but I could not. I did not sleep that night. I got up and went to the recliner and dosed some. I kept thinking am I going to die too? I could not close my eyes without seeing Daniel laying there on the bedroom floor. I could not go into that room or the adjoining bathroom at all for a long time. Even though my daughter-in-law changed the whole look of the bathroom and got new bedding for the bed. I was afraid for a very long time. I slept in the spare bedroom with my cell phone in my hand all night long. I could not go to sleep without it. I carried it with me everywhere. I was afraid something was going to happen to me too. This went on for several weeks and months. I finally got a new house phone with two phones and put one of them right by the bed. I called my Dr. and scheduled a complete physical to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with me too. Gradually the fear began to subside. Gradually I was able to push back on those awful images of Daniel and replace them with more pleasant ones.
I remember a few weeks after Daniel's death, my grand daughter and I were setting at the kitchen table. We live near a main road so it is not unusual to hear the sirens of the ambulance. On this particular day the sirens were coming closer and closer and turned down our street. I began to shake and cry. I was griped by fear and it was as though the day Daniel died was happening all over again. I have had other moments like this, but they are becoming less and less.
There is hope. There is a light at the end of this tunnel of sadness. God has helped me and held me up through these last ten months. How are you holding up?
Psalms 9:9-10 says this:
"The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
And they that know they name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."When I feel like fear will over take me completely, I find my refuge in the Lord.
I pray that you will too.
I hear the sirens in the distance getting closer and closer. Then the paramedics are here, but it seems like they are moving in slow motion. I keep telling them to hurry, but I knew in my heart that Daniel was gone. I kept saying "I'm so sorry Daniel, Oh Daniel I am so sorry, I am so sorry" over and over. The paramedics must have thought we had been in a argument or fight or something. That was not the case.
In my mind I felt I should have prevented this from happening.
In my mind, it was my fault. I should have taken better care of him.
In my mind, I was thinking of all the things I should have done.
It didn't matter that we had see the cardiologist just the day before. It didn't matter that the Dr. had said Daniel's heart was fine. All I could think of in that moment was.....it is my fault he is gone. This feeling of guilt stayed in the forefront of my mind for months. It is still there in the back ground, and can easily be brought forward if I let it. I realize now that I could not have saved him. Perhaps we should have gotten a second opinion. I don't know. I go through the list of could of's, should have's, would have's every now and then. It does not bring peace. The only thing that brings peace is knowing Daniel knew and loved the Lord. He is with God in heaven right now and I will join him some day.
Regret......
I have lots of regrets. When I began to go through Daniel's things, I noticed all the "projects" that were unfinished. He had ordered the parts to fix the lawn mower, but he never felt well enough to fix it. He loved working on things. He had lots of tools, and talked about opening a repair shop of some kind. He had several weed eaters that he was working on too. He had ordered parts for them and actually got one of them fixed. He was working on a couple of walking sticks. He wanted to sand them down and refinish them. They are left undone in the garage. He was working on the yard. He had fixed up a garden spot, but he never got to plant in it. We had planned to go back to Iowa for a visit. We had made plans to see some of the places of interest here too. Now these plans will not be fulfilled.
I regret that we will not be able to do things together. I regret that he will not be here to see his grand kids grow up. I felt this urgent need to try to "finish" some of the things he wanted to do. I made the trip back to Iowa. One of the things he wanted to do was visit his parents graves and decorate them for memorial day. I went to do that while I was back there. It was much harder than I thought it would be. I had never been there before without him.
I regret I did not tell him how much I appreciated all the things he did for me. I guess I took them for granted. Now that he is gone and I have to "put out the garbage" my self, I realized what a chore it is. He always carried in all the groceries for me. If I could have a do over, there is one thing I would put at the top of my list of things to do over, don't be stingy with telling your loved ones how great they are. How much you appreciate them. How much they mean to you. Thank them for the things they do.
Fear.......
That first night I was overcome with fear. My wonderful daughter-in-law and grand daughter stayed the night with me. I tried to lay in the bed, but I could not. I did not sleep that night. I got up and went to the recliner and dosed some. I kept thinking am I going to die too? I could not close my eyes without seeing Daniel laying there on the bedroom floor. I could not go into that room or the adjoining bathroom at all for a long time. Even though my daughter-in-law changed the whole look of the bathroom and got new bedding for the bed. I was afraid for a very long time. I slept in the spare bedroom with my cell phone in my hand all night long. I could not go to sleep without it. I carried it with me everywhere. I was afraid something was going to happen to me too. This went on for several weeks and months. I finally got a new house phone with two phones and put one of them right by the bed. I called my Dr. and scheduled a complete physical to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with me too. Gradually the fear began to subside. Gradually I was able to push back on those awful images of Daniel and replace them with more pleasant ones.
I remember a few weeks after Daniel's death, my grand daughter and I were setting at the kitchen table. We live near a main road so it is not unusual to hear the sirens of the ambulance. On this particular day the sirens were coming closer and closer and turned down our street. I began to shake and cry. I was griped by fear and it was as though the day Daniel died was happening all over again. I have had other moments like this, but they are becoming less and less.
There is hope. There is a light at the end of this tunnel of sadness. God has helped me and held me up through these last ten months. How are you holding up?
Psalms 9:9-10 says this:
"The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
And they that know they name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."When I feel like fear will over take me completely, I find my refuge in the Lord.
I pray that you will too.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Crying, crying, crying.......
It never ceases to amaze me the things that will just make the dam break and the tears flow like a river. I was chopping some roast beef and my knife was dull. Then it hit me, who will sharpen my knives? Daniel always kept them razor sharp. Sometimes I would fuss at him because he would get them "sharp enough to shave" as he called it. I would invariably cut myself. I would just have to say, "this knife won't cut hot butter" and there he would be taking it from me to get it back in shape. While he was at it he would check all the others, "just to make sure".
In February, I still missed Daniel a lot. It felt like the wound in my heart was barely scabbed over. I had all these Dr. appointments to go to, because I felt like I needed to have a complete physical. (perhaps it was the fear thing kicking in) Anyway, he would have been there with me, if he were here. I had a melt down in the Dr.'s office. It was the same office I had been to with him not to long before he passed away. I thought I would be able to handle it, but as I began to walk through the very same waiting room I had sat in with him; I just kind of lost it. The dejavue ( or however you spell that) just came rolling in. By the time I got to the check in counter I could not hold back the tears. I felt sorry for the poor girl who had to check me in. She didn't know what to think.
Sometimes I feel I will just break in to pieces. The sadness overwhelms me.
Tears flow and my heart aches. I don't know that I will ever be ok. I know I will never be the same.
Just about the time I think I am getting a handle on it something else happens to rip the thin crust of healing from my brokenness. Our church here in Granite Falls merged with another church here. As I was setting in church during this time period, a man from the other church walks in with one of Daniel's shirts on. He is about the same size as Daniel and with his back to me......well.... I gasped and then began to cry softly. A friend was setting beside me and asked if I would be ok. I said, I think so. It was just such a shock. I gave Daniel's shirts to a local charity. I didn't think I would ever see them again. Then to have a man walk in with one on...... it was one of those things that make the dam that is holding back the flood crack wide open.
Does it ever get any better? I asked this question to a woman whose husband has been gone for several years. Her answer was it gets easier. My prayer for you is that it will get easier. That my sharing some of the things I have been through these past months, will help you identify with them and see that there is a light of hope at the end of the tunnel of sadness.
In February, I still missed Daniel a lot. It felt like the wound in my heart was barely scabbed over. I had all these Dr. appointments to go to, because I felt like I needed to have a complete physical. (perhaps it was the fear thing kicking in) Anyway, he would have been there with me, if he were here. I had a melt down in the Dr.'s office. It was the same office I had been to with him not to long before he passed away. I thought I would be able to handle it, but as I began to walk through the very same waiting room I had sat in with him; I just kind of lost it. The dejavue ( or however you spell that) just came rolling in. By the time I got to the check in counter I could not hold back the tears. I felt sorry for the poor girl who had to check me in. She didn't know what to think.
Sometimes I feel I will just break in to pieces. The sadness overwhelms me.
Tears flow and my heart aches. I don't know that I will ever be ok. I know I will never be the same.
Just about the time I think I am getting a handle on it something else happens to rip the thin crust of healing from my brokenness. Our church here in Granite Falls merged with another church here. As I was setting in church during this time period, a man from the other church walks in with one of Daniel's shirts on. He is about the same size as Daniel and with his back to me......well.... I gasped and then began to cry softly. A friend was setting beside me and asked if I would be ok. I said, I think so. It was just such a shock. I gave Daniel's shirts to a local charity. I didn't think I would ever see them again. Then to have a man walk in with one on...... it was one of those things that make the dam that is holding back the flood crack wide open.
Does it ever get any better? I asked this question to a woman whose husband has been gone for several years. Her answer was it gets easier. My prayer for you is that it will get easier. That my sharing some of the things I have been through these past months, will help you identify with them and see that there is a light of hope at the end of the tunnel of sadness.
Monday, September 26, 2011
What to say...
It has been ten months and eleven days since my husband Daniel Akin passed away on November 19, 2010. His death was sudden. Even though he had health issues, it came as a shock. In the back of my mind I always thought something like this could happen, but I never allowed it to the fore front of my thoughts.
His death has changed me. I am not the same. I am not sure I ever will be. I try to go about doing things the same, but.......somehow it isn't.
In the beginning I had all these thoughts running through my head. I decided to put them down on paper to perhaps clear my mind. Unusual thoughts, like how many widows there are. Just in my family alone. My Mother and all of her sisters are widows. My sister has been a widow. (She has since remarried.) I have a close friend who was a widow. I guess I never realized how many women are widows until I became one too.
I miss the sounds. Just silence now. There is no sound of Daniel walking through the house. Daniel watching TV (fox news). Daniel making coffee. Most of all the the ticking of his heart valve. I miss talking to him. We were an unusual pair in that we could go without talking for awhile and then pick up right where we left off. I guess you never know what you will miss. Now that he is not here to talk to, I think of all these things I want to say. I miss being able to go places with him there in the car beside me.
I miss the smells. I don't drink coffee so there is no coffee smell in the house now. That fresh brewed smell and the sound of coffee dripping into the pot. The smell of breakfast cooking. He loved breakfast. I am not a breakfast person, but sometimes I fix it just so that I can have that familiar smell in the house. The smell of his aftershave. Wild Country from Avon. :) That was his favorite.
I miss being able to tell him all the things that have happened. It is as though he has been away for awhile and when he gets back I have all these things to share.
The furnace being broken, the front door knob that wouldn't work, etc... The yellow paint on the fender of the van where I got too close to the pole at McDonald's.
There are lots of regrets. If only we could have a "do over". Here are some things I would do over:
1. show more affection. Daniel was not one to do that. Oh, we knew we loved each other but sometimes you just need a hug or a touch.
2. learn to communicate. This was our shortcoming. It took years for us to have a fairly good communication. I think it developed more after he had his stroke in 2003. I learned more about what he was trying to say. He always kept feelings and thoughts to himself.
3. don't put things off. Now there are things that will never get done. He is gone. There are things we will never do together. He is gone. If you have an idea to do something together.....do it now.
My thoughts still wonder all over the place. Sometimes fear tries to creep in. Especially at night when I am here alone. I just have to push it back. I find myself wondering how long I will live. I am 68. It seems I am in relatively good health. But still, the time looking forward is getting shorter and shorter.
I feel like my anchor has come loose and I am adrift.
I have started this blog to share with others who have lost a mate. I want you to know that I totally understand what you are going through. I want to share some of my experiences with you and pray with you if you would like. I am a woman of faith, and it has helped sustain me these past 10 months. If you are a widow or widower, and have something to share please feel free to comment. I will write of my journey through grief and perhaps it will help you with yours.
Joy Akin
thereislight2011@hotmail.com
His death has changed me. I am not the same. I am not sure I ever will be. I try to go about doing things the same, but.......somehow it isn't.
In the beginning I had all these thoughts running through my head. I decided to put them down on paper to perhaps clear my mind. Unusual thoughts, like how many widows there are. Just in my family alone. My Mother and all of her sisters are widows. My sister has been a widow. (She has since remarried.) I have a close friend who was a widow. I guess I never realized how many women are widows until I became one too.
I miss the sounds. Just silence now. There is no sound of Daniel walking through the house. Daniel watching TV (fox news). Daniel making coffee. Most of all the the ticking of his heart valve. I miss talking to him. We were an unusual pair in that we could go without talking for awhile and then pick up right where we left off. I guess you never know what you will miss. Now that he is not here to talk to, I think of all these things I want to say. I miss being able to go places with him there in the car beside me.
I miss the smells. I don't drink coffee so there is no coffee smell in the house now. That fresh brewed smell and the sound of coffee dripping into the pot. The smell of breakfast cooking. He loved breakfast. I am not a breakfast person, but sometimes I fix it just so that I can have that familiar smell in the house. The smell of his aftershave. Wild Country from Avon. :) That was his favorite.
I miss being able to tell him all the things that have happened. It is as though he has been away for awhile and when he gets back I have all these things to share.
The furnace being broken, the front door knob that wouldn't work, etc... The yellow paint on the fender of the van where I got too close to the pole at McDonald's.
There are lots of regrets. If only we could have a "do over". Here are some things I would do over:
1. show more affection. Daniel was not one to do that. Oh, we knew we loved each other but sometimes you just need a hug or a touch.
2. learn to communicate. This was our shortcoming. It took years for us to have a fairly good communication. I think it developed more after he had his stroke in 2003. I learned more about what he was trying to say. He always kept feelings and thoughts to himself.
3. don't put things off. Now there are things that will never get done. He is gone. There are things we will never do together. He is gone. If you have an idea to do something together.....do it now.
My thoughts still wonder all over the place. Sometimes fear tries to creep in. Especially at night when I am here alone. I just have to push it back. I find myself wondering how long I will live. I am 68. It seems I am in relatively good health. But still, the time looking forward is getting shorter and shorter.
I feel like my anchor has come loose and I am adrift.
I have started this blog to share with others who have lost a mate. I want you to know that I totally understand what you are going through. I want to share some of my experiences with you and pray with you if you would like. I am a woman of faith, and it has helped sustain me these past 10 months. If you are a widow or widower, and have something to share please feel free to comment. I will write of my journey through grief and perhaps it will help you with yours.
Joy Akin
thereislight2011@hotmail.com
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