(sigh) What to say. How to say it.
Sometimes a sadness covers me like a blanket. I try to go about my normal activities, but I can not.
My grandsons both play little league football. I like to go to their games and even to their practices. Last Saturday I was setting in the stadium waiting for the game to begin. I could look to the north and see Mount Baker's snow capped peak against the clear blue sky. It was one of those absolutely beautiful days that happen out here. Warm, not a cloud in the sky, and you can see for miles. As I set there looking "normal", tears were running down my cheeks. I tried to wipe them away discreetly, and blow my nose with out notice. Covered in a blanket of sadness on such a day did not seem normal. What caused it?
I am not sure what causes these days, but I can tell you as time goes by they come less frequently. On this particular day, when I looked at the mountains, my mind immediately went to memories of a trip Daniel and I took. He loved going to the mountains. We had taken a trip up into the Cascade mountains to Mount Baker. At least as close as we could get to it. My next thoughts were to him expressing his wishes several times to go there again. (sigh) We never did.
There always seemed to be something keeping us from going.
This sadness hovered over me like a cloud for several days.
Sometimes it only lasts for hours. Then again sometimes it lasts for days. I have tried to shake it off by listening to music or going some place. You can try talking to someone who understands. Eventually it will pass and you can move on. Reading some of your favorite passages of scripture helps. Looking at pictures of a trip or time of celebration that you shared with your loved one helps too.
It is ok to recall the special times and memories. The hard part is to not be drawn to a place of regret and guilt. I am still in the learning process on that one.
My Daniel has been gone 11 months now. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Is it getting easier? Yes. Is the pain of loss still there? Oh yes. However, it is not quite as sharp as it used to be. Is the loneliness still there? Yes again, but I am not crying all the time. Just some of the time.
Hold on my friends. Again if you need someone to talk to my e-mail address is
thereislight2011@hotmail.com
Psalm 9:1-2
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God, in him will I trust.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
What helps?.........
When I look back on those awful first days, weeks,months; I remember thinking that nothing would help to ease the hurt I felt. The ache in my heart. The void in my life. What would help? Was there anything that could?
I want to share some of the things that worked for me.
I could not seem to cope with the stillness in the house. Especially at night. I had trouble getting to sleep. Fear would grip me. My mind would be clouded with those awful last images of Daniel. It was during this time that I discovered if I put on some music it would help. I have a portable CD player here. I plugged it in right by the bed and played some music. Along with a nice letter I had received a CD from a friend back in the Midwest. It was by a southern gospel group called Crimson River. I put it in every night. The first song says,"when the glorious tomorrow becomes the glorious today..." I realized that is what it was like for Daniel. Heaven was "today" for him. Every song on there touched my heart. It seemed like at different times, a different song with a different message would reach out and comfort me and help me make it though one more long night. The male vocalist of the group had lost his wife not too long before the CD was recorded. He sings a very moving song entitled "I Place My Trust In You". It didn't happen over night, but gradually I began to do just that. Place my trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Take your time. Don't get rid of things too soon. I was told not to make any major decision for at least a year. That is probably good advice. I did, however, gather up Daniel's clothes and donate them to charity. I kept a few of his things. One of these was an old red plaid shirt. He loved that shirt. I remember trying to get him to throw it away. He would not. I bought him another shirt. He thought that was nice, but he kept the old red one anyway. It had been sewn and patched and was ready to fall apart, but he kept it. One of those long, long nights, I could not seem to stop crying. Tears flowed like a fountain without a shut off valve. I remembered the old red shirt in the closet. I got it down, gathered it up in my arms and laid back down in the bed. A peace came over me and I was able to sleep that night.
Don't hesitate to do familiar things that you did together. These are good memories and they helped me ease the pain. I think it will help you too. I put in some of our favorite movies, and set and watched them. We had watched them together many times. These were not "new" movies by any means, but it was comforting to watch them again.
Some find comfort in going to the cemetery. Daniel is not buried here so that was not an option for me. It did give me comfort to go to the places he liked to go to. Or, places we had gone to together.
Some things I still can not do. I have not been able to go back to the cafe where Daniel and I had breakfast on the day he died. It will soon be a year. I have not been able to go eat at the local cafe here in town where he went lots of times by himself for breakfast.
Daniel loved the word of God. He loved to read it and to memorize it. He took pride in memorizing scripture. This was no easy thing for him after his stroke. I have a recorder with him quoting the first chapter of Revelations. At first it was hard to hear his voice. As time passed it gives me comfort to play it from time to time.
One more thing. Talk! Talk to family, friends, church family. Most of all.....talk to the Lord. If you don't have anyone to talk to, e-mail me. I will pray with you and talk to you. Sometimes, I need to talk out loud here in this house. I sat on the couch one day and told Daniel all about a conversation regarding a neighbor who lived across the street from us back in Iowa. I could hear his answers in my head. I knew him well enough to know what he would say back to me. It gave me comfort.
I have a scripture for you:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." (Psalm 34:18)He will help you through this dark valley. There is a light....
thereislight2011@hotmail.com
I want to share some of the things that worked for me.
I could not seem to cope with the stillness in the house. Especially at night. I had trouble getting to sleep. Fear would grip me. My mind would be clouded with those awful last images of Daniel. It was during this time that I discovered if I put on some music it would help. I have a portable CD player here. I plugged it in right by the bed and played some music. Along with a nice letter I had received a CD from a friend back in the Midwest. It was by a southern gospel group called Crimson River. I put it in every night. The first song says,"when the glorious tomorrow becomes the glorious today..." I realized that is what it was like for Daniel. Heaven was "today" for him. Every song on there touched my heart. It seemed like at different times, a different song with a different message would reach out and comfort me and help me make it though one more long night. The male vocalist of the group had lost his wife not too long before the CD was recorded. He sings a very moving song entitled "I Place My Trust In You". It didn't happen over night, but gradually I began to do just that. Place my trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Take your time. Don't get rid of things too soon. I was told not to make any major decision for at least a year. That is probably good advice. I did, however, gather up Daniel's clothes and donate them to charity. I kept a few of his things. One of these was an old red plaid shirt. He loved that shirt. I remember trying to get him to throw it away. He would not. I bought him another shirt. He thought that was nice, but he kept the old red one anyway. It had been sewn and patched and was ready to fall apart, but he kept it. One of those long, long nights, I could not seem to stop crying. Tears flowed like a fountain without a shut off valve. I remembered the old red shirt in the closet. I got it down, gathered it up in my arms and laid back down in the bed. A peace came over me and I was able to sleep that night.
Don't hesitate to do familiar things that you did together. These are good memories and they helped me ease the pain. I think it will help you too. I put in some of our favorite movies, and set and watched them. We had watched them together many times. These were not "new" movies by any means, but it was comforting to watch them again.
Some find comfort in going to the cemetery. Daniel is not buried here so that was not an option for me. It did give me comfort to go to the places he liked to go to. Or, places we had gone to together.
Some things I still can not do. I have not been able to go back to the cafe where Daniel and I had breakfast on the day he died. It will soon be a year. I have not been able to go eat at the local cafe here in town where he went lots of times by himself for breakfast.
Daniel loved the word of God. He loved to read it and to memorize it. He took pride in memorizing scripture. This was no easy thing for him after his stroke. I have a recorder with him quoting the first chapter of Revelations. At first it was hard to hear his voice. As time passed it gives me comfort to play it from time to time.
One more thing. Talk! Talk to family, friends, church family. Most of all.....talk to the Lord. If you don't have anyone to talk to, e-mail me. I will pray with you and talk to you. Sometimes, I need to talk out loud here in this house. I sat on the couch one day and told Daniel all about a conversation regarding a neighbor who lived across the street from us back in Iowa. I could hear his answers in my head. I knew him well enough to know what he would say back to me. It gave me comfort.
I have a scripture for you:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." (Psalm 34:18)He will help you through this dark valley. There is a light....
thereislight2011@hotmail.com
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Aloneness.......
Daniel and I shared a space for 42 years. Even when we were not together it seemed as though we were connected. I remember telling other people that I wouldn't have any trouble living alone. I knew how to entertain myself. I loved to read etc....
I was clueless!
The day Daniel died a void came into my space where he had been. I noticed it almost immediately. I sat in the living room listening to the silence. Thinking how strange it was not to hear anyone else moving around in the house. How foreign it was to not feel the presence of someone else there.
A few days later, I was getting in my car and the older gentleman from across the way begin to ask about Daniel. I told him what had happened. He said something that really hit home with me. He said his wife had passed away 10 years ago, and the hard part was the silence. He said turning on the TV doesn't help. He was so right. The noise of the TV or radio does not fill that void.
Daniel had an artificial heart valve. His heart beat sounded like the ticking of a clock. I could hear him anywhere in the house. I found myself listening for the sound of that ticking. Only silence. I was alone.
How do you deal with being alone when you have been a couple for that long?
Again....I was clueless
Everything about my life had changed. When I went grocery shopping for the first time, I bought my usual things. Then I realized I bought those foods because that was what Daniel liked or the foods he could have. It took months before I began to change the way I shopped for food.
There is no one to talk to.
No one to tell the days events to.
No one to bounce ideas off of.
No one to give you their opinion on things.
My pastor came to visit me a few months after Daniel's death. I talked the poor man's ear off.
I remember another friend, who lost his wife to breast cancer, saying to me, "If I just had another woman to talk to." I thought that was a strange thing to say at the time. A few months later when my husband died, I knew exactly what he was feeling and why he said that.
There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness. I think aloneness leads to loneliness for some folks causing them to enter into another relationship too soon after the loss of a mate. That is not always the answer.
Then what is the answer? I have to say I don't know. I can tell you what I did. I started a journal. I began to write as though I was talking to Daniel. I told him everything I would have told him if he were here in person. I talked about the weather, the news, the grand kids, the bills, anything that came to mind. It really helped me.
There were days I would just set in my chair and cry. There were days I felt like God had abandoned me. I want to share this Psalm with you that says exactly what I was feeling.
Psalm 22:1-2
My God, my God why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me,and from the words of my roaring?
O my God, I cry in the day time, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent."He heard me. In my darkest nights He would send a friend to talk me through it. I had a friend back east. She was a night person. Even with the time difference, me on the west coast,and her in the Midwest. I would get on the computer and there she would be. She would talk to me or pray with me until peace came. There were family members that I could talk to as well.
Aloneness can take you to a very dark place if you let it. Reach out! Cry out! Talk to someone.
I have started this blog to share with you what I have experienced along this journey. If you need someone to talk to, you can use the e-mail address at the bottom of the page. I will be happy to talk to you. Don't give up on God! He is there by your side.
I was clueless!
The day Daniel died a void came into my space where he had been. I noticed it almost immediately. I sat in the living room listening to the silence. Thinking how strange it was not to hear anyone else moving around in the house. How foreign it was to not feel the presence of someone else there.
A few days later, I was getting in my car and the older gentleman from across the way begin to ask about Daniel. I told him what had happened. He said something that really hit home with me. He said his wife had passed away 10 years ago, and the hard part was the silence. He said turning on the TV doesn't help. He was so right. The noise of the TV or radio does not fill that void.
Daniel had an artificial heart valve. His heart beat sounded like the ticking of a clock. I could hear him anywhere in the house. I found myself listening for the sound of that ticking. Only silence. I was alone.
How do you deal with being alone when you have been a couple for that long?
Again....I was clueless
Everything about my life had changed. When I went grocery shopping for the first time, I bought my usual things. Then I realized I bought those foods because that was what Daniel liked or the foods he could have. It took months before I began to change the way I shopped for food.
There is no one to talk to.
No one to tell the days events to.
No one to bounce ideas off of.
No one to give you their opinion on things.
My pastor came to visit me a few months after Daniel's death. I talked the poor man's ear off.
I remember another friend, who lost his wife to breast cancer, saying to me, "If I just had another woman to talk to." I thought that was a strange thing to say at the time. A few months later when my husband died, I knew exactly what he was feeling and why he said that.
There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness. I think aloneness leads to loneliness for some folks causing them to enter into another relationship too soon after the loss of a mate. That is not always the answer.
Then what is the answer? I have to say I don't know. I can tell you what I did. I started a journal. I began to write as though I was talking to Daniel. I told him everything I would have told him if he were here in person. I talked about the weather, the news, the grand kids, the bills, anything that came to mind. It really helped me.
There were days I would just set in my chair and cry. There were days I felt like God had abandoned me. I want to share this Psalm with you that says exactly what I was feeling.
Psalm 22:1-2
My God, my God why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me,and from the words of my roaring?
O my God, I cry in the day time, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent."He heard me. In my darkest nights He would send a friend to talk me through it. I had a friend back east. She was a night person. Even with the time difference, me on the west coast,and her in the Midwest. I would get on the computer and there she would be. She would talk to me or pray with me until peace came. There were family members that I could talk to as well.
Aloneness can take you to a very dark place if you let it. Reach out! Cry out! Talk to someone.
I have started this blog to share with you what I have experienced along this journey. If you need someone to talk to, you can use the e-mail address at the bottom of the page. I will be happy to talk to you. Don't give up on God! He is there by your side.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Guilt.....Regret......Fear
Guilt......
I hear the sirens in the distance getting closer and closer. Then the paramedics are here, but it seems like they are moving in slow motion. I keep telling them to hurry, but I knew in my heart that Daniel was gone. I kept saying "I'm so sorry Daniel, Oh Daniel I am so sorry, I am so sorry" over and over. The paramedics must have thought we had been in a argument or fight or something. That was not the case.
In my mind I felt I should have prevented this from happening.
In my mind, it was my fault. I should have taken better care of him.
In my mind, I was thinking of all the things I should have done.
It didn't matter that we had see the cardiologist just the day before. It didn't matter that the Dr. had said Daniel's heart was fine. All I could think of in that moment was.....it is my fault he is gone. This feeling of guilt stayed in the forefront of my mind for months. It is still there in the back ground, and can easily be brought forward if I let it. I realize now that I could not have saved him. Perhaps we should have gotten a second opinion. I don't know. I go through the list of could of's, should have's, would have's every now and then. It does not bring peace. The only thing that brings peace is knowing Daniel knew and loved the Lord. He is with God in heaven right now and I will join him some day.
Regret......
I have lots of regrets. When I began to go through Daniel's things, I noticed all the "projects" that were unfinished. He had ordered the parts to fix the lawn mower, but he never felt well enough to fix it. He loved working on things. He had lots of tools, and talked about opening a repair shop of some kind. He had several weed eaters that he was working on too. He had ordered parts for them and actually got one of them fixed. He was working on a couple of walking sticks. He wanted to sand them down and refinish them. They are left undone in the garage. He was working on the yard. He had fixed up a garden spot, but he never got to plant in it. We had planned to go back to Iowa for a visit. We had made plans to see some of the places of interest here too. Now these plans will not be fulfilled.
I regret that we will not be able to do things together. I regret that he will not be here to see his grand kids grow up. I felt this urgent need to try to "finish" some of the things he wanted to do. I made the trip back to Iowa. One of the things he wanted to do was visit his parents graves and decorate them for memorial day. I went to do that while I was back there. It was much harder than I thought it would be. I had never been there before without him.
I regret I did not tell him how much I appreciated all the things he did for me. I guess I took them for granted. Now that he is gone and I have to "put out the garbage" my self, I realized what a chore it is. He always carried in all the groceries for me. If I could have a do over, there is one thing I would put at the top of my list of things to do over, don't be stingy with telling your loved ones how great they are. How much you appreciate them. How much they mean to you. Thank them for the things they do.
Fear.......
That first night I was overcome with fear. My wonderful daughter-in-law and grand daughter stayed the night with me. I tried to lay in the bed, but I could not. I did not sleep that night. I got up and went to the recliner and dosed some. I kept thinking am I going to die too? I could not close my eyes without seeing Daniel laying there on the bedroom floor. I could not go into that room or the adjoining bathroom at all for a long time. Even though my daughter-in-law changed the whole look of the bathroom and got new bedding for the bed. I was afraid for a very long time. I slept in the spare bedroom with my cell phone in my hand all night long. I could not go to sleep without it. I carried it with me everywhere. I was afraid something was going to happen to me too. This went on for several weeks and months. I finally got a new house phone with two phones and put one of them right by the bed. I called my Dr. and scheduled a complete physical to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with me too. Gradually the fear began to subside. Gradually I was able to push back on those awful images of Daniel and replace them with more pleasant ones.
I remember a few weeks after Daniel's death, my grand daughter and I were setting at the kitchen table. We live near a main road so it is not unusual to hear the sirens of the ambulance. On this particular day the sirens were coming closer and closer and turned down our street. I began to shake and cry. I was griped by fear and it was as though the day Daniel died was happening all over again. I have had other moments like this, but they are becoming less and less.
There is hope. There is a light at the end of this tunnel of sadness. God has helped me and held me up through these last ten months. How are you holding up?
Psalms 9:9-10 says this:
"The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
And they that know they name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."When I feel like fear will over take me completely, I find my refuge in the Lord.
I pray that you will too.
I hear the sirens in the distance getting closer and closer. Then the paramedics are here, but it seems like they are moving in slow motion. I keep telling them to hurry, but I knew in my heart that Daniel was gone. I kept saying "I'm so sorry Daniel, Oh Daniel I am so sorry, I am so sorry" over and over. The paramedics must have thought we had been in a argument or fight or something. That was not the case.
In my mind I felt I should have prevented this from happening.
In my mind, it was my fault. I should have taken better care of him.
In my mind, I was thinking of all the things I should have done.
It didn't matter that we had see the cardiologist just the day before. It didn't matter that the Dr. had said Daniel's heart was fine. All I could think of in that moment was.....it is my fault he is gone. This feeling of guilt stayed in the forefront of my mind for months. It is still there in the back ground, and can easily be brought forward if I let it. I realize now that I could not have saved him. Perhaps we should have gotten a second opinion. I don't know. I go through the list of could of's, should have's, would have's every now and then. It does not bring peace. The only thing that brings peace is knowing Daniel knew and loved the Lord. He is with God in heaven right now and I will join him some day.
Regret......
I have lots of regrets. When I began to go through Daniel's things, I noticed all the "projects" that were unfinished. He had ordered the parts to fix the lawn mower, but he never felt well enough to fix it. He loved working on things. He had lots of tools, and talked about opening a repair shop of some kind. He had several weed eaters that he was working on too. He had ordered parts for them and actually got one of them fixed. He was working on a couple of walking sticks. He wanted to sand them down and refinish them. They are left undone in the garage. He was working on the yard. He had fixed up a garden spot, but he never got to plant in it. We had planned to go back to Iowa for a visit. We had made plans to see some of the places of interest here too. Now these plans will not be fulfilled.
I regret that we will not be able to do things together. I regret that he will not be here to see his grand kids grow up. I felt this urgent need to try to "finish" some of the things he wanted to do. I made the trip back to Iowa. One of the things he wanted to do was visit his parents graves and decorate them for memorial day. I went to do that while I was back there. It was much harder than I thought it would be. I had never been there before without him.
I regret I did not tell him how much I appreciated all the things he did for me. I guess I took them for granted. Now that he is gone and I have to "put out the garbage" my self, I realized what a chore it is. He always carried in all the groceries for me. If I could have a do over, there is one thing I would put at the top of my list of things to do over, don't be stingy with telling your loved ones how great they are. How much you appreciate them. How much they mean to you. Thank them for the things they do.
Fear.......
That first night I was overcome with fear. My wonderful daughter-in-law and grand daughter stayed the night with me. I tried to lay in the bed, but I could not. I did not sleep that night. I got up and went to the recliner and dosed some. I kept thinking am I going to die too? I could not close my eyes without seeing Daniel laying there on the bedroom floor. I could not go into that room or the adjoining bathroom at all for a long time. Even though my daughter-in-law changed the whole look of the bathroom and got new bedding for the bed. I was afraid for a very long time. I slept in the spare bedroom with my cell phone in my hand all night long. I could not go to sleep without it. I carried it with me everywhere. I was afraid something was going to happen to me too. This went on for several weeks and months. I finally got a new house phone with two phones and put one of them right by the bed. I called my Dr. and scheduled a complete physical to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with me too. Gradually the fear began to subside. Gradually I was able to push back on those awful images of Daniel and replace them with more pleasant ones.
I remember a few weeks after Daniel's death, my grand daughter and I were setting at the kitchen table. We live near a main road so it is not unusual to hear the sirens of the ambulance. On this particular day the sirens were coming closer and closer and turned down our street. I began to shake and cry. I was griped by fear and it was as though the day Daniel died was happening all over again. I have had other moments like this, but they are becoming less and less.
There is hope. There is a light at the end of this tunnel of sadness. God has helped me and held me up through these last ten months. How are you holding up?
Psalms 9:9-10 says this:
"The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
And they that know they name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."When I feel like fear will over take me completely, I find my refuge in the Lord.
I pray that you will too.
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