A tribute........

On January 28th 1945 Daniel Roy Akin was born to Roy and May Akin.

I am so glad for that day. Daniel was my husband for 43 years. Yes, we had ups and downs, who doesn't? Mostly though we had good years. He was a good man who loved the Lord. I know he is with the Lord today on his 67th birthday.

Daniel was a outdoors man. He loved to walk. I remember in our younger days, I was always asking him to slow down.  I couldn't keep up with him. Either I was a slow walker or he walked very fast.  He would walk all over town. There were some times he would walk to work, several miles away. When we moved here, he was thrilled to be able to walk in the mountains. He told me as a young boy,  he would take his 22 rifle, he was extremely proud of, and walk up in the mountains behind their home in Trinidad, Colorado. Sometimes he would be gone all day.
He loved to garden and work in the yard. When he came home from work tired and stressed out, he would get the hose and water the yard. (Whether it needed it or not). :) It took me a long time to figure out he wasn't watering because the yard needed it, he was watering because HE needed it.

Daniel loved to memorize scripture. He had a stroke in 2003. This inhibited his ability to read and memorize. It was two years before he could read again. He then began to memorize the book of Revelation. He had memorized the first three chapters when he passed away on November 19th 2010. He had other scriptures hidden away in his heart as well. He would pull them out and quote them at just the right opportunity. It was always such a blessing. I felt such a sense of pride and admiration. It is very difficult for me to memorize scripture. He always made it look so easy.

We both loved to watch old western movies. He would say, "Pop some popcorn and let's put in a movie". Sometimes we would have a movie marathon and watch all the John Wayne movies or some other favorites. When I get especially lonesome, I pop some corn and put in one of Daniel's favorite movies.

Daniel loved to watch Fox news and talk politics. He used to tell me how he loved to talk politics with his dad. If Daniel could get some one to talk politics with him, he was thrilled. :) I must say that someone was hardly ever me.

He also, loved his guns and tools. I am sure he had several of every tool. If he couldn't find the particular one he needed, he would just go buy another one.  Now I have a garage full of tools. :)

He loved his family. All of his grandchildren were very special to him. When he knew they were coming over, he would go to the store just to make sure we had their favorite pop or treat on hand. If his grand daughter wanted a ride home from school, she would call and hope to get grandpa. He would drop everything to go get her. Grandma, on the other hand, would probably tell her walking was good for her.

I have many things that I could share with you about Daniel. Memories, pictures, stories about the best years of my life. If you have lost a loved one, you can probably say the same thing. Hold those memories close and pull them out to share with others.

Happy Birthday Daniel.

Is it ok to have fun?..........

A few weeks ago I was out and about with a couple of friends. It was a beautiful day here, and we were having a wonderful time. Afterwards it struck me that I had actually had "fun". Happiness had taken over every corner of my heart. I had not felt that way since November 19, 2010. Immediately after that realization came the questions. Can I do that? Is it ok to feel this way? Am I some how being disloyal to Daniel's memory?

I was at a cross roads in this walk with grief. I could choose to give myself permission to be happy again or slid back into sadness. Ultimately I chose to feel ok about my fun day and the happiness it brought. The strangest thing happened next. The fingers of grief that have griped my heart for 14 months began to loosen.

I write in a journal when I wish to "talk" to Daniel about something. I took it out and began to tell him all about my fun day. I know he would not want me to continue in a state of sadness, but until a few weeks ago, no matter how hard I tried it was not possible for me to be completely happy. Pleasant moments were always overshadowed by the sadness of grief. The disappointment that he was not there to share it. The sense of loss that I would not have any more moments like that with him. I felt this was the way it would always be. I was comfortable with that. I was prepared to live the rest of my life like that. Then all of a sudden I have a day of fun and complete happiness. I must confess I did not know how to deal with it. I was not sure it was "proper" for me to feel that way.

Since then I realize that living in the grip of grief for the rest of my life would not be proper. It is normal for grief to begin to let go. Memories will always be there and should be there. I enjoy sharing those memories with others. What I must not allow myself to do is hold on to grief like a memorial to Daniel. Never letting go of sadness and despair as some kind of loyalty to him is not the thing to do.

I am sharing this with you in the hope that you will realize there is a light at the end of the tunnel of grief. Where ever you are in your walk through this tunnel, know that it does have an end. Perhaps your loss has just happened and the hurt is still there like a raw wound. Hold on and allow yourself to heal. My prayer for you is that God will bring you comfort as He did for me in those early days.

Perhaps you are struggling and seem to be "stuck" in the grip of grief. Unable to move on. Give yourself permission to move on. It is ok. Hold the memories close, but let the fingers of grief release your heart.
I hope to share a picture with you. When I look at it, I am reminded of the verse in Psalms 23 that says,..."He leads me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul...."
The the joy of the Lord restore you soul. 
Please feel free to email me at thereislight2011@hotmail.com

Facing a new day dawning..........

January 1, 2012. It is like opening a new journal. All the pages are blank. What are the words to be written on the pages of 2012? We do not know and can not know. Will I do things different in 2012? I know this, if I had known what would be written on the pages of 2010, I would have done some things differently. I have never been one to make new years resolutions. They seem to be promises that end up being broken with in a few weeks. I have always been one to take a look at the past year and reflect on what could be changed going forward.

Here are some things I can do:

Take each day, one day at a time.

Always show those I love how I feel.

Show gratitude to others.
Give thanks.
Live each day as unto the Lord. Sharing His love.  

There will be things happen that we have no control over.Things have happened that we can not change. Each of us is working through the results of these things. We can not give up, quit, succumb to despair or sadness. I am going to face forward. Looking towards the new day dawning. At the same time watch where I am going. (not trip and fall over a piece of wood and break my arm) For those of you who do not know, that is what happened to me last year.

By watching where I am going, I mean to keep my focus on the Lord. If I have learned anything in the past year and two months, it is I can do nothing without the Lord by my side.
There is so much more to living than focusing on me. Yes, I have experience a huge loss. I have faced the void left by that loss. Now I want to look up.
Walk with me. Let's go forward together.
e-mail me and let me know how your pages are being filled.
thereislight2011@hotmail.com