The Day.........

November is almost over. Although this is the second year since my Daniel went home to be with the Lord, I have struggled more this year than last. I am not sure why. In my mind the rational thing would be "the further down the road you get from the incident the less grief you will have". It is not working out that way this year. The actual day, November 19th, was  very difficult for me. Lots of tears and regrets etc.....  Again I am not sure why.  Thanksgiving day 2010 was the day we were making plans for Daniel's memorial service. Family and friends had arrived from Iowa and Texas. Yes, we had a Thanksgiving  supper. ( I had already made preparations for Thanksgiving dinner before Daniel passed away). I was busy that day. It helped me keep my mind off of things.
This year I was not sure I could cope with this day.
 Because of my struggling I have not been able to post anything on the blog. I apologize for that. The purpose of the blog is to share what I have been going through, and perhaps help or encourage you along your walk with grief.
Since the "Day" has passed I have pondered these things:

• Each "walk" is going to be different. People will tell you that it will get easier as time goes by. it may for you and again it may take a lot of time. There is no pattern to follow. I can share my experience with you hoping that something that has happened to me will help you along your way. BUT your walk will not be the same as mine.
• Only God can help us over the rough spots. Being surrounded with people who love us and mean well does not always "help".
• We can not go forward with our lives, if you are always looking back.

I want to share a little more on that last one. I seem to be struggling with getting on with my life. I am always looking back to the way things were. They will never be that way again. I can not seem to find my place so to speak. When I was in Washington, I was always wondering if I should be in Iowa. Now that I am in Iowa I am wondering if I should have stayed in Washington.  My last memories of Daniel are connected with Washington. Until I can come to terms with going forward with out him at my side, I am not sure I will be able to go forward.
Then comes the question Do we need to go forward? Can't we just drift along with the tide? Just continue on day to day? Taking each day in "stride"?
I do not know what your spouse would say, but I can hear Daniel saying "You need to move on!"
I carry one of the little memorial cards from Daniel's service in my purse. It was a comfort for me at first, and now I just like having it there.  It has his picture in it and this poem.

 

Miss Me - But Let Me Go

 

When I come to the end of the road

And the sun has set for me

I want to rites of gloom filled room,

Why cry for a soul set free.

 

Miss me a little - but not too long,

And not with your head bowed low,

Remember the love that we once shared,

Miss me - but let me go.

 

For this is a journey we all must take,

And each must go alone,

It's all part of the Master's plan,

A step on the road to home.

 

When you are lonely and sick of heart,

go to the friends we know,

Bury your sorrow in doing good deeds,

Miss me - but let me go.

 

If I could say something to him, I would say "That is not as easy to do as it sounds". :)

I know I have said this in other posts, but it bares repeating. We can NOT stay in this same place of sadness. It is not healthy and NOT what our loved one would want. Again, I do not know the answers. However, I do know the one who does. I do know that the Holy Spirit is our comforter. There are times when I need Him to cover me like a big warm comforter and He does. When your "day" comes around, let the Lord Jesus and family and friends help you through it. They (whoever they are)say it gets easier with time. I have to admit in some ways it has, but not always. Go forward my fellow grief walkers. Go forward.

 



Life happens.....

"......life will give you a broken dream full of sorrow and fear......."
This is a line of a song I was to sing at church on November 11th. Veterans day. When I came to that line in the song, waves of sorrow and grief and fear swept over me. I could not go on. I was instantly transported back to November 19th 2010. The memory of the sorrow that filled me on that day was so real once again. The fear that was to grip me like a  vise for weeks, months even, seemed so real once again. At noon on that day my dreams and plans came to a screeching halt never to be fulfilled.
Stuff happens to us. Life happens to us. We hope for happiness, but sometimes we are dealt heartache and sorrow. I think of all the ladies who have lost husbands, sons, daughters in war. That knock, the officer standing at the door. Perhaps it was a phone call or telegram. The same sorrow I felt two years ago comes to any of us who have experienced such a loss. What happens next?
For me it went like this. I wrestled with the fear. If you have read my first posts, you know I slept with my cell phone in my hand. Not just on my pillow or beside my bed but in my hand for weeks. I kept it with me in my pocket during the day. Some how having the phone right there kept the fear a bay.
How do you cope? One day at a time. One hour at a time. Sometimes one moment at a time. Meeting each wave of sorrow head on with prayer for strength to go on. Wondering how you will ever make it though. Knowing it will be only with the help of God almighty.
As long as we have breath in our body, we are subject to the ups and downs of life. Sometimes folks feel like they are "exempt" some how from the broken dreams of life. We are not.
The next line of the song is ".......turn around don't look back again. Face the new day before you. Place your heartache in Jesus' hands. He can mend broken dreams......"
I feel like I am reaching that turning point. As I approach the second anniversary of Daniel's passing, I am sad but not disheartened. This gives me hope that I can turn around and face the new day before me.
“ Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28
Place your heartache in Jesus hands.  I did.

How far have I come..........

Sometimes we need to look back to where we were in order to see how far we have come. Especially when it seems that the end of our journey is still a long distance away. Finally, there comes the time when you look back and see that you are closer to the end of the journey then you are to the place you started.
Two years ago on this day I did not realize that I would only have 15 days left with my husband. Fifteen days to have a conversation with him. To ask him questions, offer my opinions and receive his. To hear him moving about in the house. To cook for him, or eat a meal with him. To smell his presence in the house, his coffee brewing, his aftershave.
As I approach the second anniversary of his passing, I am looking back to see if I have moved any along this path of grief.  I am noticing these changes.

• Those first days and even months after Daniel died I always woke up from sleeping surprised that I was still here. When I laid down at night to sleep, I wondered if this was my last day here. Then in the morning when I awoke I was truly surprised. I no longer feel that element of surprise. I fall asleep naturally and wake up normally without that element of wonder and surprise.
• Sounds. I have stopped listening for his sound. I would catch myself listening for the ticking of his heart valve,.for his footsteps, the sound of his breathing.  I no longer do that. I do not know when I stopped. I just noticed that I don't do that any more
• Those first days and months and even the first year were filled with tears. Tears of regret, loneliness, guilt. Now they have been replaced by memories of happy times and funny things that happened in our life together. Tears? Oh yes, there are times when they are just under the surface waiting to spring forth like a fountain. But that fountain does not flow as quickly and easily these days.

So, as I look back to November 2010, I see that I have moved on down the path of grief. I am not sure I have reached the halfway point yet. I know I am not near the end of the path. How much farther do I have to go? I do not know.  I can not see the end of the path. Perhaps there is no end. Perhaps it will always be with me in some form or another. I do believe there will come a day when I will be closer to the end of the path then I am to the start. Today is not that day.
I will continue on one day at a time by the grace of God. I know that it is Him who gives me the strength to face each day, week, month.