The year is almost gone. There are only two grains of sand left in the hour glass of 2011. Then we will flip it over to start the passing of 2012. I am learning how to live with all the changes that have come to my life. Daniel and I were married 43 years. When someone has been an intricate part of your life for that long, then suddenly they are gone, a huge void is left. It is hard to know what to do with the drastic change that it brings to your life. At first it seems that the changes are subtle. I know I was so caught up in the grief of loss I did not notice some of the things. I didn't even try to deal with them. Over a year has gone by now and I am beginning to face these changes.
The Traditions:
Christmas is a time of celebration, but also a time of family traditions. The first Christmas after Daniel's death we tried to keep things the same. Go on as usual.
Yes, it was hard not to have him there. This year, however, change was thrust upon us. My son had some health issues that caused us to look at our Christmas plans and make some changes. I think this was a good thing for me. Instead of us gathering as a family on Christmas eve to have a dinner and open gifts, I went to Christmas eve services at church. It was a beautiful candle light service. The message and the worship were wonderfully up lifting. Was it easy to reconcile myself to this HUGE change? No, not at first.
For years our family has always gathered together on Christmas eve. When our children were small, my brothers and sister and their families would gather at our parents house every Christmas eve for a meal and gift exchange. As families grew larger and Mom and Dad became more frail, we stopped going to their house, but continued the tradition. When our children began to marry and have children, we branched out to having Christmas eve at our own homes. But, we continued this tradition.When our son and his family moved to the Pacific Northwest and we still lived in the Midwest, Christmas was very hard for me. We sent large packages of gifts to them. We called and had Christmas over the phone or the computer. BUT it was still on Christmas eve. We tried to keep up the tradition.
Again, how to reconcile to huge changes to the traditions in the family after the death of a loved one. I look around and notice there are folks who can't seem to make that big step. Years after the passing of a loved one they are still stuck in that place of grief and loss. It is hard to let go of things that have been such a intricate part of you and your life for so long. It is like being wound up in a vine or thread. Not being able to find a place to free yourself from the tangle, it is easier sometimes to just try to keep things the same. The problem is things do not stay the same. Change happens whether we want it to or not.
What to do? Well, I was sad for a bit. When it became very clear my son would not be able to have our traditional Christmas eve, we began to make some new plans. I hosted a Christmas party with some friends from church. We had lots of good food and fun and gifts. It was different, but it was good. It was not on Christmas eve, it was not our usual tradition, it was change. Next I made other plans for Christmas eve. I can not remember when I have been to church on Christmas eve. Change. I made some cookies for a cookie exchange at church. Not the normal baking and candy making I usually do, change. It was all good.
Now the door to a new year is opening before me. What changes will it bring? Will I be able to embrace them? Will I be able to accept that my life is not the same and move on? Yes, I believe with God's help I will be able to do this. I don't want to be stuck. Daniel would not want me to be stuck in life and not be able to go forward. Memories, YES! Missing him, YES! (everyday) but in a different way.
Let's see if we can embrace this new year. Not walking alone.......no not alone. Walking with each other and with the Lord at our side. I would like to hear from you. Let me know how you are working through the changes that are coming your way. My e-mail address is thereislight2011@hotmail.com
Oh and yes, we did have a family Christmas celebration on Christmas day. My daughter-in-law made some wonderful food, and we had all the other "trimmings" of a family celebrations. It was change and it was good.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
How to begin again......
12:00 PM November 19th 2010 my world came to a screeching halt. Life as I knew it stopped that day. Sure I went through the motions the next few days, but it did not seem real. It was about this time last year that I began to start again. I had been going back to church. One Sunday my pastor came to me and gently asked me if I would consider joining with some others to form a small choir for the Christmas program. Not only did he want me to sing, he wanted me to speak as well. My first reaction was NO. (I didn't yell at him out loud, but I was yelling in my head.) I just knew I could never do anything like that again. His words were, " Will you pray about it?" That I could not say no to. Little did I know it was the jump start that I needed to begin living again.
Let me give you a little back ground so you can see the Lord's hand working through all this. I had only been going to this church since we had moved into the area a little over a year earlier. However, it was my understanding that they usually had a play for Christmas. This year the pastor felt they should do something different. He chose to have a choir, and songs that told the Christmas story. He asked different ones to give their testimony in between the songs. My song was "Oh Holy Night". My favorite Christmas carol. Can you see how the Lord is working here? I am thankful we have a pastor who is willing not only to listen to the voice of the Lord but do what He says.
It wasn't that I had never sang before. I have been a singer all my life. It wasn't that I was afraid of speaking. I have done that most of my adult life too. It was the fact that I had stopped living the day Daniel died. I was breathing and walking around, but there was no life in me. I did not know if I could regain life. I was not even sure I wanted to.
Pastor came to me again and gently, that is his way, nudged me. He said he thought my testimony would be a blessing to others. The Holy Spirit nudged me too. He took me by the hand, and I said yes to the pastor. What to say? What could I say about the song? How could I keep from being reduced to tears? All of these things went through my mind as I began to prepare for the program. One night as I lay in bed the words started to come to me. I got up and wrote them down. It was not a long speech, but it came from the Holy Spirit.
We were scheduled to preform twice that Sunday morning. I was hoping I could get through it once let alone twice. My grand children came with me. My grandson Sam sat about the second or third row from the front right at the end of the pew. When it was my time to speak, I went to the microphone and began. Tears came to my eyes. Would I be able to hold it together, I wondered. I looked out at my grandson. He had a big smile on his face, and gave me a thumbs up. He will never know what that meant to me that day.
This time last year I received the jump start I needed to start living again. I don't know where you are in your time of grief, but sooner or later you will need to begin again. Life will never be the "same". My life today is not the same. Everything changed from my daily routine, to the way I buy groceries and cook meals. BUT, I am starting to live again. I hope and pray you will too. Come out of the depths of despair. Am I still sad? Yes. Do I still miss Daniel? Yes, every day. Will I ever get used to it? I am not sure.
I do know that God holds me in the palm of His hand and keeps me day by day. I do know that He will do the same for you.
As we head toward a new year, my prayer is that you will begin to live again if you have not already.
"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:11
Let me give you a little back ground so you can see the Lord's hand working through all this. I had only been going to this church since we had moved into the area a little over a year earlier. However, it was my understanding that they usually had a play for Christmas. This year the pastor felt they should do something different. He chose to have a choir, and songs that told the Christmas story. He asked different ones to give their testimony in between the songs. My song was "Oh Holy Night". My favorite Christmas carol. Can you see how the Lord is working here? I am thankful we have a pastor who is willing not only to listen to the voice of the Lord but do what He says.
It wasn't that I had never sang before. I have been a singer all my life. It wasn't that I was afraid of speaking. I have done that most of my adult life too. It was the fact that I had stopped living the day Daniel died. I was breathing and walking around, but there was no life in me. I did not know if I could regain life. I was not even sure I wanted to.
Pastor came to me again and gently, that is his way, nudged me. He said he thought my testimony would be a blessing to others. The Holy Spirit nudged me too. He took me by the hand, and I said yes to the pastor. What to say? What could I say about the song? How could I keep from being reduced to tears? All of these things went through my mind as I began to prepare for the program. One night as I lay in bed the words started to come to me. I got up and wrote them down. It was not a long speech, but it came from the Holy Spirit.
We were scheduled to preform twice that Sunday morning. I was hoping I could get through it once let alone twice. My grand children came with me. My grandson Sam sat about the second or third row from the front right at the end of the pew. When it was my time to speak, I went to the microphone and began. Tears came to my eyes. Would I be able to hold it together, I wondered. I looked out at my grandson. He had a big smile on his face, and gave me a thumbs up. He will never know what that meant to me that day.
This time last year I received the jump start I needed to start living again. I don't know where you are in your time of grief, but sooner or later you will need to begin again. Life will never be the "same". My life today is not the same. Everything changed from my daily routine, to the way I buy groceries and cook meals. BUT, I am starting to live again. I hope and pray you will too. Come out of the depths of despair. Am I still sad? Yes. Do I still miss Daniel? Yes, every day. Will I ever get used to it? I am not sure.
I do know that God holds me in the palm of His hand and keeps me day by day. I do know that He will do the same for you.
As we head toward a new year, my prayer is that you will begin to live again if you have not already.
"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:11
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