2013,,,,,,,,Year 3

Here we are two months into a new year. I am sorry I have not been able to post something sooner. The holidays were difficult for me this year. I am sure they were for you too.  Daniel's birthday came and went in January. These "milestone" dates are hard to get through sometimes.
Let me recap these past few months for you.
Let's start with December:
Christmas can be a difficult time or a joyous time. Some of the things that made the season difficult for me were these:

• Sending Christmas cards. I love to send out cards at Christmas time. I would always pick out what I thought were the most beautiful cards with just the right message. However, since Daniel passed away I have not enjoyed this as much. Signing just my name doesn't seem "right" somehow. This year I did a few cards, but switched to a letter. It came just from me, about my activities. It was easier to sign just my name.
• The gifts. Daniel always wanted to buy the gift for our son. He seemed to know just what to get. I, on the other hand, loved to buy the gifts for our grand children. Since they were in Washington with me here in Iowa, it was difficult to know what to do. They all got gift cards or money. I am sure that was fine with them, but for me.......not so much.
• The gatherings. Daniel was not so big on these. Especially after he had his stroke in 2003. He preferred small get togethers. One on one.  He loved getting with our son and his family. Watching the kids open their gifts. So, this past season, all the gatherings were difficult to get through. In fact I did not make it to some of them.

There were times of joy too:

• The programs. Daniel was not big on going to the Christmas programs, but I loved them. This past season I got to enjoy the programs of my nephews two kids. They were so cute dressed in their "Christmas clothes". This brought much joy to me during a very difficult time.
• Receiving cards. Again this was not Daniel's thing. Oh, he liked to look at the cards we received. He would smile because I would be so excited about them. :) I still get excited about getting Christmas cards in the mail.  I hang them all up and make sure I have sent one back to those I receive from. Since I was living with my nephew this season, his son Lucas (age 5) helped me hang up my cards as they came in the mail. He loved doing this and brought me joy during times of grief this past season.
• Church services. Christmas is a time of rejoicing for Christians. When you are in the grieving process, rejoicing is not always easy. Worship is though. Through all the time of sadness or missing our loved one, we can still worship our Saviour. Rejoice? I have to be honest with you, no, I could not always rejoice. Some day I am sure I will be able to do that. I did worship though and it brought joy to my heart. 

New year's day came and went. I could hardly believe another year had passed. As we moved into January, memories of  Daniel's birthday loomed in the distance. Why is it so special? When our son and daughter-in-law notified us that our first grand child was to be born, we were so excited. Then we found out she would be born on or near Daniel's birthday. He was over the moon with excitement. However, when it came down to the time, the doctor changed the date from his birthday on the 28th to the 27th. Needless to say Daniel was not happy with that Dr. So....he changed his birthday to hers. On paper his was still January 28th, but all celebrations were done on hers, January 27th.  This day was the most difficult for me. I could not seem to stop the sadness or the flow of tears on this day. I missed him so much.

 

Now we are into February. Valentine's day is coming up. Last year I posted some pictures of the cards I saved from past Valentine's days. Daniel always (most always) gave me a card and a box of candy on that day. The size of the box of candy would depend on how close the day was to pay day. :)

The small things that Daniel always did are missing from my life now. I have these "gaps" or holes in my life now. Some would say wounds. As I enter into year 3, I notice that the pain of the "wounds" is diminishing. The holes and gaps are starting to fill in with other "small" things. I think I am healing. This is a good thing. I have made the decision to go back to Washington to live the rest of my days. I have been so "unsettled" these last three years. Partly due to trauma, partly due to just being lost without Daniel in my life. I think it is time for me to go "home" and be settled.

 

How are you all doing? I would love to hear from you. You can comment here or on the e-mail address or at grnmaj@live.com

I pray for you all. I trust God is helping you through your grief. Hang in there. There is a light.......there is hope......there is peace......there is a new day.