People come up to me asking this question. Immediately I am thinking, "Do they really want to know how I am or do they just want me to tell them what they want to hear." Since, I am a Christian I believe it is a sin to lie. So..... I try my best to tell them "how I am doing" with out making them feel uncomfortable or lying.(Not saying I am great when I know I am anything but.)
Responses:
I am doing ok - means I am bearly keeping it together long enough to get through this conversation.
I am hanging on(with a cheerful smile) - I am holding on. Not crying, but it is just under the surface.
I am just fine - means this is a good day. Sadness under control today.
I have tried telling folks exactly how I am feeling. For awhile it seems they are sympathetic and even prayerful and encouraging. But.....for the most part folks just want you to get over it and move on with your life. It just isn't always that easy. There are good days when you can put things behind you and yes, move on. Then there are days when you are simply overwhelmed with it all. You can not possibly say, "I am fine" and mean it. If I happen to find myself searching for the answer to "how are you doing?" on one of those days, I have found it is best to just smile and say "I will talk to you later".
It will be a year this week since my husband passed away. It may have been longer since you lost a loved one. "Getting over it" takes time. The amount of time it takes is different for each of us. There is no formula for how long it takes. Don't feel "bad" about yourself if you are not "getting over it" in what you feel is the perscribed amount of time.
People who care about you are really sincere when they ask how you are doing. They really want to know. Your family and close friends will be able to tell how you are feeling and "doing" by just looking at you. Seeing the tears in your eyes with emotions bearly under control. These are the ones to turn to on those really bad days. They will always be willing to hold you up when you can't hold yourself up. No matter how long it takes. If they are Christians, they will pray with you and for you.
The most important one asking this question loves you so much He gave His life for you. Jesus Christ. How are you doing, my child?, He says. He knows you are hurting. He wants you to come to Him for comfort and rest. Jesus will lift you up wrapped in the "Comforter", the Holy Spirit. He will carry you when you can not carry yourself. He is the light at the end of this dark tunnel you find yourself in.
PSALMS 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.(Key word to hold on to is "present". He is here in the midst of this present trouble holding on to you. Keeping you from falling completely apart.)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Anniversary.......Holidays.....
November 19th a day forever etched in my mind. One year ago on that day my husband passed away. As we draw nearer to that "anniversary", the memories come marching through my mind like an unwanted parade. Images that I have pushed back into the far corners of my memory come boldly to the fore front. Refusing to be pushed back easily. When I walk into the bedroom, I see Daniel lying there on the floor once again. I hear sirens and remember them coming down my street.
I think back to this day one year ago and wish I had known then what I know now. He only had five days left to live. Then sadness comes.With it "what ifs" and guilt. How will I make it past this day? Since this is my first experience with such a loss, I am not sure. I can only lean on the things that I do know for sure.
Prayer, faith in a God that loves me, confidence that Daniel is with that same God. Peace and comfort that only the Holy Spirit can bring.
Close on the heels of the "anniversary" is the first holiday. Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving last year family and friends were arriving to be here for the memorial service. We had a house full of people. Folks coming and going bringing in food. We were busy making preparations for the service as well. This year it is different. Our extended family all live in the Midwest. They will not be coming to help us past this difficult time. How will we make it through this holiday that is shrouded in memory of our loss? I realized since having more people here was such a blessing last year,so I have invited another family to come join us on Thanksgiving day. If you are struggling as I am, invite family and friends over or go visit them. Surround yourself with others during this time.
We have a month before the next set of holidays. Christmas eve was always a special time for us to be together with our son and his family. When we lived in the Midwest, they would come to our house (or we would go to theirs).When we moved out here, we continued that tradition. Last year was difficult, but we made it through. I got a tree and the kids helped me decorate it. I put out all the decorations around the house. We exchanged gifts, had some food, and played Christmas music. There was a pallor of sadness that overlay it all, but we made it through. This year I am not sure how it will be. In the past, Daniel liked for me to get presents for the kids. He, on the other hand, would do the shopping for our son. He would see a special hunting knife or something, and feel that he had just the right gift.
Family traditions change when a family member is no longer there. Perhaps from a death or even just moving away. If we try to carry on things-as-they-always-were, there is a vacancy in the activities left by the loved one who has gone on. This emptiness can make the memories harder to live with. By making a change, we create some new memories. Making a change can be a good thing and help us get through these difficult days.
By the time I reach New Year's day, I will have passed the worst of it. One full year come and gone since my Daniel went home to be with the Lord. Looking forward I will wonder what the next months and days will hold.
Holiday time can be a lonely time for those of us who have lost our mate. The things that you used to do as a couple are left for you to do alone. Remember there is one who will never leave us. His name is Jesus and this is the promise He has made.
I think back to this day one year ago and wish I had known then what I know now. He only had five days left to live. Then sadness comes.With it "what ifs" and guilt. How will I make it past this day? Since this is my first experience with such a loss, I am not sure. I can only lean on the things that I do know for sure.
Prayer, faith in a God that loves me, confidence that Daniel is with that same God. Peace and comfort that only the Holy Spirit can bring.
Close on the heels of the "anniversary" is the first holiday. Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving last year family and friends were arriving to be here for the memorial service. We had a house full of people. Folks coming and going bringing in food. We were busy making preparations for the service as well. This year it is different. Our extended family all live in the Midwest. They will not be coming to help us past this difficult time. How will we make it through this holiday that is shrouded in memory of our loss? I realized since having more people here was such a blessing last year,so I have invited another family to come join us on Thanksgiving day. If you are struggling as I am, invite family and friends over or go visit them. Surround yourself with others during this time.
We have a month before the next set of holidays. Christmas eve was always a special time for us to be together with our son and his family. When we lived in the Midwest, they would come to our house (or we would go to theirs).When we moved out here, we continued that tradition. Last year was difficult, but we made it through. I got a tree and the kids helped me decorate it. I put out all the decorations around the house. We exchanged gifts, had some food, and played Christmas music. There was a pallor of sadness that overlay it all, but we made it through. This year I am not sure how it will be. In the past, Daniel liked for me to get presents for the kids. He, on the other hand, would do the shopping for our son. He would see a special hunting knife or something, and feel that he had just the right gift.
Family traditions change when a family member is no longer there. Perhaps from a death or even just moving away. If we try to carry on things-as-they-always-were, there is a vacancy in the activities left by the loved one who has gone on. This emptiness can make the memories harder to live with. By making a change, we create some new memories. Making a change can be a good thing and help us get through these difficult days.
By the time I reach New Year's day, I will have passed the worst of it. One full year come and gone since my Daniel went home to be with the Lord. Looking forward I will wonder what the next months and days will hold.
Holiday time can be a lonely time for those of us who have lost our mate. The things that you used to do as a couple are left for you to do alone. Remember there is one who will never leave us. His name is Jesus and this is the promise He has made.
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