Closure........

Closure...
I have heard this word used many times in many ways. Everything from a kids cartoon movie with a duck telling chicken little he needs "closure" to folks on TV receiving closure on a new home. How does it pertain to grief? One of the dictionary definitions is: an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality. I think of those who have lost loved ones in tragic accidents ( or by other tragic means). They were unable to say "goodbye" or any last words of love. Thus being denied "closure". Unexpected death, in any form, can leave those left behind  unable to come to grips with feelings of grief. Can we have closure apart from being at the bedside of our loved one as they are passing from this life.?
Can we have closure at all in a death situation?  Or Should there even be a sense of  closure? Shouldn't we just hold on as though nothing has changed? Living life as though that person were still here? Questions, questions, questions.
I am not sure I have any answers. I do, however, have some opinions and ideas that I will share with you.

• Can we have closure if we were unable to be with our loved at their passing?

Grief is a funny (not humorous but odd) thing. It affects different people in different ways. For some,  being at the bed side of a loved one expressing love, and saying good byes does bring that sense of finality that we are looking for. For others it does not. I was in the same house with my husband when he died. I was not in the same room or at his side. I was not able to say any last comforting words. I am not sure if I would have felt more of a sense of closure if I had been able to. It was the same when my father passed. I was at work at the time. I arrived at the house after he had gone. We knew Dad was not in good health. We felt like he was on "borrowed" time. Still when that day came there were the usual regrets of things left unsaid and undone. Time brought closure.

• Should there even be a sense of closure? or should we just hold on as though nothing has changed?

This might sound like a strange question. Believe it or not some people live like that. Keeping the room of a loved one the same. Never moving or changing anything even though they have been gone for years. These folks have not been able to bring a sense of closure to their lives. They can not move on.
Maybe it is a feeling of being disloyal to the one who has passed.
Maybe it is a feeling that life will never be that good again.
Maybe it is a feeling of being unfaithful in the case of a spouse.
 I do not know. My opinion is, this kind of thinking can not be healthy physically or mentally. If you are saying, "But you don't know how I feel." Let me tell you I do.
 It is coming up on three years since Daniel passed away. Have I moved on? Let's say I am in the process of moving on. Every time I get into my van I am reminded of the day we bought it. September of 2010. Daniel and I took our two grandsons to the car lot. Daniel had received a scratch off flyer in the mail saying he had won something. The boys were so excited to know what it was. We felt it would be a good experience for them to find out how these things really worked. :)
We NEVER intended to buy a new van. Our old van was not in the best condition, but it was paid for.
One thing led to another and we ended up driving off the lot in my "dream" car. November 19, 2010 at 12:00 pm Daniel was gone.Almost one month to the day later. I have kept the car because I can not afford to get a different one. Not because "it is the one we bought together and I will never let it go" state of mind. I have peace. I have contentment. Peace has a lot to do with my faith in God. Knowing that Daniel is with God.  Time and faith are bringing that  satisfying sense of  closure. It brings healing to my heart.


 

Time marches on..........

Minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days turn to months and months to years as time marches on. How are you doing on this walk with grief?  They (whomever "they"are) say time heals all wounds. I am not sure time can completely heal the wounds left by grief. Some losses are so great with wounds so deep they never seem to heal. There it is looming up in every area of our lives. That huge vacant space left by the loss of our loved one. As time passes, we try to fill it with other things. Anything, to ease the pain and fill the void. Many fall into a depression and turn to medications for help. Others turn to activities or even people. Some try to loose themselves and the pain in a bottle. But it is always still there. Life has changed drastically and it will never be the same again. No amount of time will change that. (sigh) How do we cope? Can we cope? I think of the firemen that lost their lives in the terrible forest fire in Arizona. The families left do deal with this huge loss. I am sure they are asking these questions.

Is there an answer, you ask. Will I ever be free of the pain and grief? I do not know. I say that because a lot depends on where you are looking for answers. The first step for me was accepting that every thing had changed and would never be the same again. From the way I bought groceries and fixed meals to the place where I live........all changed. Change does not come easy for us older folks. It has been two years and seven months since my husband passed away. I am beginning to accept that my life will never be the same.
The second step for me was changing how I was filling the "void" left by Daniel's passing. Without really realizing it, I began to put my son in the place of his father. Leaning heavily on him emotionally. Feeling hurt and upset when he couldn't fill the void. In the past year I came face to face with the reality of what I was doing. No one can take Daniel's place in my life.
The third step for me has been a step of faith. Time has not healed my wounds. It has not eased the pain of loss. It has not been a comfort to me much at all. I found myself looking back in time instead of looking forward. I even went back to the place Daniel and I lived for so many years. There was no healing there. Now I am back to Washington where we last lived. Did all this moving around change things? No. Did it comfort me? No, not really. What did and does?
The answer to that question is Jesus Christ. Psalm 147:3 " The Lord heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds."  I can testify to that fact. When nothing else can heal that awful wound, He can and will. Reach out to Him, let him bind up your broken heart and fill the empty spaces. Let Jesus bring back the joy in your life.

Not in my own strength........

How are you doing? Just a little note to let you know I am thinking of you and praying for you.

I have been listening to a song entitled "I Still Glory in The Cross" by the Mike Bowling family. The words have ministered to me today, so I thought I would share some of them with you.

"I am only standing now because of mercy"............
  Is that not the truth? As I look back on the past 2 1/2 years, I see many, many times I stood by the grace and mercy of God alone. I know some of you have just recently lost your husband or someone close to you. Those of us who have been down the road a ways understand what you are going through, and tell you it will get better. In the mean time, hang on to faith.

Another part of the song says:

"If everything I own were taken from me,

All the things of earth I hold so dear,

I were left alone to face tomorrow,

I still have no cause to doubt or fear...."

Oh boy do we know how that feels. I know I felt like I was cut in half. It seemed like part of me was/is missing. I was left alone to face tomorrow. At least it seemed that way at the time. I am thinking about and praying for a young woman who lost her husband last week. They have five children, and live on a ranch in Montana. He was a pilot flying back home, when his plane went down and he was killed. I am sure she is suffering the pain of those first days of loss. Even though we know our husbands were men of faith, we still feel that pain of loss. If you have not experienced such a loss, it is nearly impossible to describe that kind of pain. I know I thought I knew and could sympathize with those who were suffering loss, but.......no....I now know I was clueless.

As I look back, I see I was never alone. God was with me every step of the way. I always thought I was a strong women of faith until that day, November 19th 2010, I realized in my own strength I could NOT face what was ahead. The second thing I realized is we don't have to. (smile)
Hang in there !!






　

Spring............

Spring. My Daniel loved spring. The first warm days of spring would find him outside doing something. He loved to garden. Every place we lived, here in the Midwest, he had a garden spot of some kind. The first project he began when we moved to Washington was making a small garden spot in the back yard. Daniel bought garden magazines and began pouring over them in February.  In the Midwest it is still very cold and snowy in February. That didn't seem to bother him. By the time planting season rolled around he was ready. Now I should tell you that my Daniel was no ordinary gardener. He loved to try new gardening ideas. One year he decided to plant cucumbers in pots. That was fine, but he thought the best place for them to grow was all lined up along the front porch. Needless to say it was great weather for cucumbers that year. The vines went everywhere. We could hardly go out the front door without stepping on cucumbers. :) I can smile at the memory now. I am sure I was not happy about it at the time.  I think I have told you the story of the jalapenos and the ensuing war with the deer.

I think Daniel's most interesting garden, and the one he is famous for to this day, is the bucket garden. Now maybe that doesn't sound "foreign" to you. However, to me, a homegrown Iowa women, it was completely wrong. My grand mother's garden, my dad's garden, in fact every garden I had ever known all my life was planted in neat straight rows of rich Iowa soil. So, a garden planted in five gallon buckets was just weird to me. I did not have the sense of adventure that he had when it came to gardening. Instead of rows of peas, green beans, radishes, corn and squash.  WE had rows of buckets of tomatoes, zucchini and pepper plants. (Daniel loved to grow peppers)

With such difference of how a garden should be planted, spring brought some arguments to our household. I never won any of them. He finally got to the place he would just go ahead and do what he wanted anyway. Even though I tried to tell him flowers would be more appropriate hanging on the front porch than upside down pots with tomatoes growing out of them.
(sigh) Those were the days.

As the weather begins to warm up here and the grass turns green, I would give anything to see my Daniel out there making preparations to plant his garden. There would be no arguments about how or what he planted. There would only be joy and watching him work. I think one of my biggest regrets is the wasted time we spent arguing about things that did not matter. I would love to be able to trade all those minutes in for days with my husband once again.

My tip for you today......if you are blessed to have your husband or wife still with you, think twice about what you waste your time on. We have no assurance of tomorrow. Recently a friend of mine was visiting with a friend on Saturday and on Monday his friend was dead. I am sure each of you have heard similar stories. Maybe you have experience them. I know I have. Daniel and I went out to breakfast and by noon he was gone.  Take if from someone who knows, cherish each day you have together. It may be your last.

 

2013,,,,,,,,Year 3

Here we are two months into a new year. I am sorry I have not been able to post something sooner. The holidays were difficult for me this year. I am sure they were for you too.  Daniel's birthday came and went in January. These "milestone" dates are hard to get through sometimes.
Let me recap these past few months for you.
Let's start with December:
Christmas can be a difficult time or a joyous time. Some of the things that made the season difficult for me were these:

• Sending Christmas cards. I love to send out cards at Christmas time. I would always pick out what I thought were the most beautiful cards with just the right message. However, since Daniel passed away I have not enjoyed this as much. Signing just my name doesn't seem "right" somehow. This year I did a few cards, but switched to a letter. It came just from me, about my activities. It was easier to sign just my name.
• The gifts. Daniel always wanted to buy the gift for our son. He seemed to know just what to get. I, on the other hand, loved to buy the gifts for our grand children. Since they were in Washington with me here in Iowa, it was difficult to know what to do. They all got gift cards or money. I am sure that was fine with them, but for me.......not so much.
• The gatherings. Daniel was not so big on these. Especially after he had his stroke in 2003. He preferred small get togethers. One on one.  He loved getting with our son and his family. Watching the kids open their gifts. So, this past season, all the gatherings were difficult to get through. In fact I did not make it to some of them.

There were times of joy too:

• The programs. Daniel was not big on going to the Christmas programs, but I loved them. This past season I got to enjoy the programs of my nephews two kids. They were so cute dressed in their "Christmas clothes". This brought much joy to me during a very difficult time.
• Receiving cards. Again this was not Daniel's thing. Oh, he liked to look at the cards we received. He would smile because I would be so excited about them. :) I still get excited about getting Christmas cards in the mail.  I hang them all up and make sure I have sent one back to those I receive from. Since I was living with my nephew this season, his son Lucas (age 5) helped me hang up my cards as they came in the mail. He loved doing this and brought me joy during times of grief this past season.
• Church services. Christmas is a time of rejoicing for Christians. When you are in the grieving process, rejoicing is not always easy. Worship is though. Through all the time of sadness or missing our loved one, we can still worship our Saviour. Rejoice? I have to be honest with you, no, I could not always rejoice. Some day I am sure I will be able to do that. I did worship though and it brought joy to my heart. 

New year's day came and went. I could hardly believe another year had passed. As we moved into January, memories of  Daniel's birthday loomed in the distance. Why is it so special? When our son and daughter-in-law notified us that our first grand child was to be born, we were so excited. Then we found out she would be born on or near Daniel's birthday. He was over the moon with excitement. However, when it came down to the time, the doctor changed the date from his birthday on the 28th to the 27th. Needless to say Daniel was not happy with that Dr. So....he changed his birthday to hers. On paper his was still January 28th, but all celebrations were done on hers, January 27th.  This day was the most difficult for me. I could not seem to stop the sadness or the flow of tears on this day. I missed him so much.

 

Now we are into February. Valentine's day is coming up. Last year I posted some pictures of the cards I saved from past Valentine's days. Daniel always (most always) gave me a card and a box of candy on that day. The size of the box of candy would depend on how close the day was to pay day. :)

The small things that Daniel always did are missing from my life now. I have these "gaps" or holes in my life now. Some would say wounds. As I enter into year 3, I notice that the pain of the "wounds" is diminishing. The holes and gaps are starting to fill in with other "small" things. I think I am healing. This is a good thing. I have made the decision to go back to Washington to live the rest of my days. I have been so "unsettled" these last three years. Partly due to trauma, partly due to just being lost without Daniel in my life. I think it is time for me to go "home" and be settled.

 

How are you all doing? I would love to hear from you. You can comment here or on the e-mail address or at grnmaj@live.com

I pray for you all. I trust God is helping you through your grief. Hang in there. There is a light.......there is hope......there is peace......there is a new day.

The Day.........

November is almost over. Although this is the second year since my Daniel went home to be with the Lord, I have struggled more this year than last. I am not sure why. In my mind the rational thing would be "the further down the road you get from the incident the less grief you will have". It is not working out that way this year. The actual day, November 19th, was  very difficult for me. Lots of tears and regrets etc.....  Again I am not sure why.  Thanksgiving day 2010 was the day we were making plans for Daniel's memorial service. Family and friends had arrived from Iowa and Texas. Yes, we had a Thanksgiving  supper. ( I had already made preparations for Thanksgiving dinner before Daniel passed away). I was busy that day. It helped me keep my mind off of things.
This year I was not sure I could cope with this day.
 Because of my struggling I have not been able to post anything on the blog. I apologize for that. The purpose of the blog is to share what I have been going through, and perhaps help or encourage you along your walk with grief.
Since the "Day" has passed I have pondered these things:

• Each "walk" is going to be different. People will tell you that it will get easier as time goes by. it may for you and again it may take a lot of time. There is no pattern to follow. I can share my experience with you hoping that something that has happened to me will help you along your way. BUT your walk will not be the same as mine.
• Only God can help us over the rough spots. Being surrounded with people who love us and mean well does not always "help".
• We can not go forward with our lives, if you are always looking back.

I want to share a little more on that last one. I seem to be struggling with getting on with my life. I am always looking back to the way things were. They will never be that way again. I can not seem to find my place so to speak. When I was in Washington, I was always wondering if I should be in Iowa. Now that I am in Iowa I am wondering if I should have stayed in Washington.  My last memories of Daniel are connected with Washington. Until I can come to terms with going forward with out him at my side, I am not sure I will be able to go forward.
Then comes the question Do we need to go forward? Can't we just drift along with the tide? Just continue on day to day? Taking each day in "stride"?
I do not know what your spouse would say, but I can hear Daniel saying "You need to move on!"
I carry one of the little memorial cards from Daniel's service in my purse. It was a comfort for me at first, and now I just like having it there.  It has his picture in it and this poem.

 

Miss Me - But Let Me Go

 

When I come to the end of the road

And the sun has set for me

I want to rites of gloom filled room,

Why cry for a soul set free.

 

Miss me a little - but not too long,

And not with your head bowed low,

Remember the love that we once shared,

Miss me - but let me go.

 

For this is a journey we all must take,

And each must go alone,

It's all part of the Master's plan,

A step on the road to home.

 

When you are lonely and sick of heart,

go to the friends we know,

Bury your sorrow in doing good deeds,

Miss me - but let me go.

 

If I could say something to him, I would say "That is not as easy to do as it sounds". :)

I know I have said this in other posts, but it bares repeating. We can NOT stay in this same place of sadness. It is not healthy and NOT what our loved one would want. Again, I do not know the answers. However, I do know the one who does. I do know that the Holy Spirit is our comforter. There are times when I need Him to cover me like a big warm comforter and He does. When your "day" comes around, let the Lord Jesus and family and friends help you through it. They (whoever they are)say it gets easier with time. I have to admit in some ways it has, but not always. Go forward my fellow grief walkers. Go forward.

 



Life happens.....

"......life will give you a broken dream full of sorrow and fear......."
This is a line of a song I was to sing at church on November 11th. Veterans day. When I came to that line in the song, waves of sorrow and grief and fear swept over me. I could not go on. I was instantly transported back to November 19th 2010. The memory of the sorrow that filled me on that day was so real once again. The fear that was to grip me like a  vise for weeks, months even, seemed so real once again. At noon on that day my dreams and plans came to a screeching halt never to be fulfilled.
Stuff happens to us. Life happens to us. We hope for happiness, but sometimes we are dealt heartache and sorrow. I think of all the ladies who have lost husbands, sons, daughters in war. That knock, the officer standing at the door. Perhaps it was a phone call or telegram. The same sorrow I felt two years ago comes to any of us who have experienced such a loss. What happens next?
For me it went like this. I wrestled with the fear. If you have read my first posts, you know I slept with my cell phone in my hand. Not just on my pillow or beside my bed but in my hand for weeks. I kept it with me in my pocket during the day. Some how having the phone right there kept the fear a bay.
How do you cope? One day at a time. One hour at a time. Sometimes one moment at a time. Meeting each wave of sorrow head on with prayer for strength to go on. Wondering how you will ever make it though. Knowing it will be only with the help of God almighty.
As long as we have breath in our body, we are subject to the ups and downs of life. Sometimes folks feel like they are "exempt" some how from the broken dreams of life. We are not.
The next line of the song is ".......turn around don't look back again. Face the new day before you. Place your heartache in Jesus' hands. He can mend broken dreams......"
I feel like I am reaching that turning point. As I approach the second anniversary of Daniel's passing, I am sad but not disheartened. This gives me hope that I can turn around and face the new day before me.
“ Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28
Place your heartache in Jesus hands.  I did.

How far have I come..........

Sometimes we need to look back to where we were in order to see how far we have come. Especially when it seems that the end of our journey is still a long distance away. Finally, there comes the time when you look back and see that you are closer to the end of the journey then you are to the place you started.
Two years ago on this day I did not realize that I would only have 15 days left with my husband. Fifteen days to have a conversation with him. To ask him questions, offer my opinions and receive his. To hear him moving about in the house. To cook for him, or eat a meal with him. To smell his presence in the house, his coffee brewing, his aftershave.
As I approach the second anniversary of his passing, I am looking back to see if I have moved any along this path of grief.  I am noticing these changes.

• Those first days and even months after Daniel died I always woke up from sleeping surprised that I was still here. When I laid down at night to sleep, I wondered if this was my last day here. Then in the morning when I awoke I was truly surprised. I no longer feel that element of surprise. I fall asleep naturally and wake up normally without that element of wonder and surprise.
• Sounds. I have stopped listening for his sound. I would catch myself listening for the ticking of his heart valve,.for his footsteps, the sound of his breathing.  I no longer do that. I do not know when I stopped. I just noticed that I don't do that any more
• Those first days and months and even the first year were filled with tears. Tears of regret, loneliness, guilt. Now they have been replaced by memories of happy times and funny things that happened in our life together. Tears? Oh yes, there are times when they are just under the surface waiting to spring forth like a fountain. But that fountain does not flow as quickly and easily these days.

So, as I look back to November 2010, I see that I have moved on down the path of grief. I am not sure I have reached the halfway point yet. I know I am not near the end of the path. How much farther do I have to go? I do not know.  I can not see the end of the path. Perhaps there is no end. Perhaps it will always be with me in some form or another. I do believe there will come a day when I will be closer to the end of the path then I am to the start. Today is not that day.
I will continue on one day at a time by the grace of God. I know that it is Him who gives me the strength to face each day, week, month.

The number of our days..........

The Bible tells us that only God knows the number of our days. I have been pondering some things regarding this. Why are the number of days uneven? Example: Daniel's days were up, but I am still here with days to go. It would seem logical to me that our days should be over together.

I have never been a horse person so to speak, but I do know what a well matched team looks like pulling a load together. My grandfather was a farmer and plowed with a team of horses. (As a child I would go to the field with him playing in the dirt at the edge of the field while he plowed.) A good marriage relationship is like that. Two people pulling life's load together as a team. Sometimes through hardships and around difficulties. Over time they become a well matched "team". When you are used to being a "team" and one of the team is no longer there, it is very difficult to pull the load.
Some forage ahead because of small children, some find another and become a team again. However, some become mired down with despair and depression and stop pulling altogether. Coming to a complete stop in life. Just marking the days. Watching time pass as they wait for the "number of their days" to come up. This is not good.

I think we come to a point in the grief process where we have to make a choice. Where do I go from here? What do I do with the rest of my days? Do I want to go on alone? These are all questions that run across our minds like a scroll. We have to meet them head on. Answering each one as it comes up.
Do I want to go on alone? In the early days of grief we answer that with a big NO. It seems impossible to go on alone. The hurt is too great! The pain of loss seems unbearable. We can not imagine a life without our loved one beside us. Then over time the question changes to "Can I go on alone?" and to this one we can choose to answer yes.
 Bringing up the next question :
Where do I go from here? This is not an easy one to answer. Sometimes we eagerly move on. Thinking it will help ease the pain and grief of loss. This often results in rash decisions that we regret later. Not an easy question to answer. I would say, one step at a time, one day at a time.

What do I do with the rest of my days?  I think I am at this place in the grief walk. I find myself just marking time. Not knowing what to do with my days. Not always feeling like I can be productive anymore.  (sigh) Sometimes feeling old and alone. The doorway to despair and depression.
If you have lost your team mate at a relative young age, it may be different for you. You probably have had to continue working and have a family to care for.
However, for those of us who are older, retired, and finding ourselves no longer part of a team; it can be difficult to move on. I feel like I am a different person. I no longer "fit in" to areas I was once very active in. Since I am older, my physical abilities are limited.
Where do I go from here. I am going to make a conscious choice to find out. As a christian, my first instinct is to start with prayer. Asking God to help me find direction  and purpose for these days He has left me with. I am sure it would not be His will for me to just mark time.  Not knowing what to do or how to begin I am going to need His help.
My second step will be to go to His word. The Bible has always been my road map for life.
Where are you? If you find yourself at the threshold of despair, make a choice today to do something about it. Don't continue to just mark time. We can all be productive in some way. Find out what your way is.

Timeline.....

You can look back through history and record a time line of  thousands of years, a few hundred years, or just months, even days. However long you choose, there will be significant dates and events posted along the way.
My time line starts on April 27, 1967. Our wedding day. There is the birth of our son on October 10,1970. The purchase of our first house a couple of years later. Trips, purchase of new cars etc.....
Then in 1985 Daniel had his first major health issue. His aortic valve stopped working. He had to have open heart surgery. Life changed drastically for us after that. There were the dark days following his recovery while he was with out work. He was a meat packer, and could not go back to that line of work. During this part of our time line we learned what "living by faith" was really all about.
Along in there our son graduated from high school and joined the Air Force. There are some events surrounding that.
God provided Daniel with a new line of work. He worked 15 years at a job God opened up for him. It still helps to provide for me today.  Our son got married and has given us three beautiful grand children. Daniel was so proud the day Ben and Cindy told him our grand daughter was on the way. She was to be born on his birthday January 28, 1998. Then the Dr. changed the date to January 27th. (Daniel was not happy with him) Ever after that Daniel's birthday was changed to January 27th. (Except on legal papers) :)
Our grand daughter was followed by two grand sons. Each event a source of pride and pleasure to us.

In the spring of 2003 Daniel's health took another turn. He suffered a stoke. There was another time of recovery for him. God was faithful and sustained us through these difficult times. We were thankful that he was not paralyzed, although there were some complications. He could not speak or read for some time. After many weeks of therapy he was able to regain his speech. Even though he had been declared disabled he led a pretty full life. In 2009 we followed our son and his family to the Pacific Northwest. Relocating to Granite Falls, WA from western Iowa. Daniel's health began to go down hill and on November 19th 2010 my time line ends.

This time line spans 43 years. Now it seems like 43 minutes. The Bible tells us that life is but a vapor. It passes so quickly. Too quickly to hold grudges, to let unkind words linger between you. Too quickly, to wait to make a wrong a right. Too quickly to have anger and hurtful words rip holes in your relationship.
Ephesians 4:26 "....let not the sun go down upon your wrath." This is a good rule to follow. I can look back over my timeline remembering times that anger came between us.  Usually over something that seems very silly and trivial now. Check your time line. Are there some things that can be changed going forward? Make those changes now. We have no assurance of tomorrow. We only have today. We are great ones to "make plans". In reality? I have a whole list of plans that were never full filled. Time ended 11/19/2010.

Counting.........

21 months. That is the count. I have been wondering if you ever stop counting the months, days, years that have passed since the death of a loved one. In this case my  husband.  When someone mentions they have lost a loved one, it is usually accompanied by a number representing the length of time that has passed. Example:"My wife passed away 15 years ago".  So, my question is, do you ever stop counting? The 19th of every month marks another mile stone for me. I have reached a point where that date does not bring a sense of dread or anxiety. It does however always bring a sense of sadness and memory. Perhaps that is because these feelings of sadness are still just beneath the surface.  My next question is, do they ever stop rising to the surface?  Perhaps they do when you stop counting by months and start counting by years.
Another thing I have noticed is, I still refer to Daniel and I as "we" or "our". I don't know if I will ever think of myself and just "I".  Perhaps the longevity of our time together is the result of this mind set.  Even though there have been many physical changes during this last 21 months, mentally and emotionally I am still very much connected to the man I was married to for 43 years. I am not sure this cord will ever be broken or even "disconnected" for that matter.

(sigh) All I can say is "hang in there". We will walk this walk together with the Lord. He is the one holding us up each day.

The Move...........

They say not to make any major decisions for at least a year after the death of someone close to you. I do not know who "they" are, but I decided to follow their advice anyway. It has been 20 months since my husband passed away. After much prayer and counseling I made the major decision to move back to Iowa. This would be a 1700 mile move. It would not come about easily. With much help from friends and family I arrived in Iowa June 27th. Almost 3 years to the day that Daniel and I moved from Council Bluffs, Iowa to Granite Falls, Washington. 

I prepared myself for many things, but I did not prepare myself for the flood of memories that would come rushing in when I arrived back in the place that Daniel and I had lived for so many years. We moved to Council Bluffs in 1970 and lived there until June 29th of 2009.  There are memories rushing at me from every direction. This is where we lived, this is where he worked, this is where we shopped for groceries. On and on.  I went up by the last house that we lived in. I could see the grand kids playing in the yard. Daniel's trucks parked in the driveway. His garden spot. The famous bucket garden. There were tears that day.

These are good memories even though they can be painful at times. I have been torn between the place we lived so long  and the last place we were together.  (sigh) I am not sure there will ever be a time when memories do not make tears come to my eyes. For those of you who are following me on this path of grief, hang in there. Cherish the memories, but don't allow them to surround you with a cloud of sadness.  Sometimes the sadness can seem like a fog that will never lift or go away. It feels like the "sun" will never shine again. That there will be nothing that will make you smile or feel happy. Let me tell you that it will lift, if you let it.  (Been there and done that)  I can also tell you that it is very easy to let yourself fall back into that fog of sadness.  Solution? I do not have one. I can only tell you what has worked for me. Focus on things ahead not so much on things behind. Then add faith, and prayer, and the word of God. Use these tools to build a stairway out of the fog.  Do not be hesitant to ask for prayer from friends or your pastor. Reach out to others.
I leave you with the words from this song:
♪♫ Peace, peace, wonderful peace.
      Coming down from the Father above,
      Sweep over my spirit for ever I pray,
      In fathomless billows of love. ♫♫♪

Happy Father's Day..........

June. The start of summer. Celebration of flag day, and Father's day. I remember things my father taught me. With the changing times has come the changing role of father's in the lives of our children. Some children, sad to say, do not even know their father. My Father taught me a few distinctive things.
#1 He taught me how to make gravy in the skillet. He came home from work for lunch. I could fry the chicken, mash the potatoes, cook the green beans, but I could not make the gravy. He would make the gravy. I guess he got tired of that because one day he said to me,"Sissy,(he always called me that) you are going to learn how to make gravy." He then proceeded to show me how. :) (My mother was working outside the home at that time in our lives.)
#2 My Father, not the school system or google, taught me how to read a road map. To this day it is easier for me to find where I am going by looking at a road map than it is to listen to a voice on a GPS telling me to turn here or there. :)
These are just a couple of things my Father taught me.  I remember him today.
My husband Daniel was a good father. He didn't always feel like he was though. He had some specific things he wanted to teach our son. 
#1  How to take care of himself in the woods.
#2 How to shoot and care for a gun safely
#3 The love of books and reading.
I noticed some other things that he taught our son that Daniel probably didn't even realize he was teaching.
Our son has a very good work ethic. He learned at least part of this from his father. Daniel was a hard working man. It troubled him, after his heart surgery, that he could not go back to the job he knew. He decided to go to college to learn a new trade. These were hard days for him. In the end he took care of us really well. I did not thank him enough. This is listed under things I regret.
Daniel was a man of faith also. He was not a real out going man. Especially after he had a stroke in 2003. However, we would not hesitate to express his faith in God. I remember enjoying listening to him having a conversation with a man who proclaimed he was an atheist. With a subtle smile on his face, Daniel told him (something I will never forget) "How can you say God does not exist? There has to be something there for you to say it never existed. If it never existed, you would not know anything about it to say that it wasn't there"  (smile)
Daniel has been with the Lord for 19 months now. We miss him terribly here. I know he is enjoying this day with his heavenly Father.

Eye Glasses.........

How long have you been walking this path of grief? My Daniel died 19 months ago. I thought I had reached the point where the pain was no longer a sharp knife cutting out my heart. It is more of a dull ache like pain in a spot that  seems unable to be soothed.  However, today I found out it is a wound that has not healed. It is just scabbed over, and fragile. It can be ripped open by some seemingly insignificant thing and cause a wave of sharp pain  to pour through me.

I am packing up things, in order to make a move. I felt like I should go through the things in Daniel's dresser drawers. Sorting out things we wanted to keep etc....   My grand daughter was helping me. As she went through the items she handed me a pair of glasses. They were not in a case.  Just glasses laying in the drawer. FLASHBACK!  All of a sudden I was seeing Daniel laying there on the floor. The paramedics had laid his glasses up on that dresser and someone had placed them in that drawer. Oh the pain of loss that swept through me. I had to stop sorting. I told my grand daughter that we would have to do this another day.

If you are new to this walk of grief, your pain of loss is still fresh and sharp. There will come a day when it is bearable. I am not sure it will ever go away completely. It seems that when you least
expect it, something will come along causeing it to raise up anew and afresh.  I have wonderful memories of Daniel.  I try to keep these alive in my mind and heart. I talk about him. Recalling good times and funny things that happened to us. I do not think it is good for us to dwell on those terrible last moments of the death. I want to dwell on knowing that he is with the Lord. That he is well. That he is at peace. That he has a new body, not the broken one that he left behind.
Hang in there my friend. This too shall pass.  Go to the Lord and ask Him to give you strength for each day. He has been doing that for me for a long time now.  

Memorial Day.......

This is Memorial Day weekend in our country. It is a holiday. People have the day off work. Banks and government offices are closed. Schools are closed. Families go on vacation or just take the weekend to spend time together.
Memorial Day is the day set aside to honor our veterans. My Dad served in WWII aboard the aircraft carrier USS Windham Bay. Our son served in the air force during operation desert storm.
There will be parades and bar-b-ques. Picnics and fishing trips. This is the day that officially starts the summer season. The public swimming pool opens for the season. Hotels convert to their "summer" rates. We all have our family traditions surrounding Memorial Day. As a child I remember Mom and Dad  loading us all up to go "down home". (That meant going to where they were raised in southeast Iowa.) There would be Aunts and Uncles and cousins to visit and play with. Mom and Dad always took flowers to place on  the graves of relatives who had passed on. There was always a BIG family dinner that included homemade ice cream for desert, along with home baked pies. The cousins would vie for the chance to "set" on the ice cream freezer while my Uncle turned the crank. Then we hung out in the kitchen, when it was finished, hoping to be the one chosen to "lick" the left over ice cream from the freezer paddles.

Daniel's parents are buried in Beatrice, Ne. It was very important to him to honor them by placing flowers on their graves on Memorial Day. Beatrice, Ne was about two and a half hours from where we lived. We would plan for the trip and make a day of it. First stop was Rock Port, Mo to have breakfast at the truck stop there. (they also have good fried chicken gizzards) :)  Next stop was at Auburn, Ne to take pictures of the beautiful flags on display there. (see pictures below) Sometimes we went through Nebraska City to stop at the large flea market there. Daniel loved books. He  always came away from there with a few books he was sure he didn't  have. On then to Beatrice. Decorating the graves, taking some pictures, and having a bite of lunch were next on the agenda. He drove home while I took a nap.
One of the things he regretted about moving to Washington State was the fact that he would not be able to decorate his parents graves on Memorial Day. Last year I visited the mid west, and that is one of the things I did for him. It was very hard to go to his parents graves with out him. Decorating the graves was such an important thing to him, that I wanted to make it happen not realizing how hard it would be. It wasn't the fun weekend we had always had in the past. The sense of loss was overwhelming.
We can place beautiful head stones with flowery words at the last resting place of our loved ones, and go there to visit. We can take flowers and decorations to honor them. But all this does not fill the void that is left by their absense.Of all the memories I have of Memorial Day weekend, I never thought they would include going to my husband's place of rest.
I guess Memorial Day is a day of remembering. Honoring those who fought for our freedoms. Honoring those whom we have loved and laid to rest. Honoring those who are still with us by getting together as family. Make some memorial day memories. They will come back to comfort you some day.

Mother's Day.........

I am remembering the day our son was born. 10-10-70. Isn't it funny how babies come along at what seems to be an inopportune time? Daniel and I were going through a difficult financial time in 1970. We were living in a small trailer house in Sierra Vista, Arizona. Daniel was out of work. I had been so concerned about our problems that did not even pay attention to the fact that I really was not feeling good most of the time those days.  Finally, I decided I should go to the Dr.  That was a big decision, because we did not have insurance or any money. When the Dr. told us I was pregnant, Daniel was thrilled and I was worried. How would we take care of a baby?  But, as they say, life goes on.

Some women sail through pregnancy with flying colors. Never a sick day or moment. I, was NOT one of those women. As I said, we lived in a very small trailer at the time. It was exactly two steps from the bed to the bathroom. I could set on the toilet and puke in the sink. (ewwwww! my grand daughter would say TMI grandma) Mornings were awful!  My Daniel was a morning person. He loved breakfast. Not just cereal or toast, but a full blown bacon, eggs, fried potatoes etc... breakfast.  About the time I felt I could lift my head from the pillow, Daniel would start his breakfast.  The smell of bacon cooking and potatoes frying would turn my stomach upside down. I was only too glad to know the bathroom was  only two steps away.

Daniel continued to be out of work that year. Finally circumstances warranted us to move to Iowa where my family lived. He manage to get work right away, and we moved into a small apartment. It was August. August in Iowa is very hot and humid, and our apartment did not have air conditioning. Some days I would visit my parents who had a wonderfully cool air conditioned house. Other days that was not an option. I had to come up with some cooling methods of my own. By this time I was seven months pregnant and miserable. Daniel would come home from work to find me like a beached whale in the bath tub filled with cold water.

September brought us some cooler temps. We continued to make preparations for the arrival of our baby.  When that day came, it was snowing and cold. We hurried from Council Bluffs, Ia across the river to St Joseph's hospital in Omaha, NE.
I will never forget the first time we saw our son. Daniel would have busted all the buttons if there had been any on his shirt, he was so proud.  My first thought was, he looks just like his Dad. And, that was a good thing,
October 10, 1970 Daniel and I became parents. Did we make mistakes along the way? Oh yes. Daniel left the baby in the grocery cart in the store once. :) When he got in the car, I said "Where's the baby?" The look on his face was pure panic. He rushed back into the store and there was the baby sitting the cart right were Daniel had left him.  :)
When our son was just a few weeks old, Daniel slipped and fell on the ice in front of my sister's apartment. He was holding the baby. Daniel ended up flat on his back with the baby on his chest. My sister and I ran out to him and grabbed up the baby We rushed inside took off all the blankets and clothes, examed him all over  to see if he was hurt. We forgot all about Daniel laying out there on the ground. :) He teased us about that for years.
Daniel was a good father. He raised a good son.
There really isn't a "road map" for parenting. Yes there are all kinds of how to books out there. The bottom line is one from the Bible. "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. " That takes time and patience and most of all love.  You can't train up a child if you are only a part time father. It is a full time job.
Humm this sounds more like a father's day post than a mother's day post. :)

Happy Anniversary...........

April 27, 1968. It seems like ages ago, and at the same time like yesterday. Daniel and I would have been married 44 years today. What was our wedding day like?
Busy, I guess would be the best way to describe it. Like most wedding days.
We were married in Miracle Valley, AZ by Rev. Bud Dunn.
As I set here looking at the pictures there is one of us with both sets of parents. What I see is, from that picture my mother and I are the only ones still living. (My mother will be 90 in a few days by the way)
We became engaged on Valentine's day in 1968 and were married a couple of months later. :) No long engagement for us.
(sigh) Where did the years go?  When you set out on a journey thinking you know how it will end, it is always a surprise to look back and see how short it was and how the ending turned out.

On that day 44 years ago I would not have guessed we would end up living in the Pacific Northwest or that Daniel would die here.  We thought we would always live in Arizona. Then we thought we would always live in Iowa.  Then we always felt we would live a little while longer, but the reality is we do not.
Now comes the reality of coping with the days after someone you have loved and lived with for nearly 44 years is no longer here.
I have a little journel book that I write in. (I may have mentioned this before.) I have been writing in it a  year now. I started on this day last year. I was setting on my bed in a care center. My husband had been gone only five months. I had fallen, broke my arm, and had surgery ten days before. I desperately needed to talk to Daniel. OH how I longed for him to be there to take care of me, to take me home. I was there with strangers helping me with unmentionable things I could not do for myself. In my hour of sorrow and really, really being down in the dumps, a young lady from the church I attend came to visit me at the care facility. I poured out my heart to her. ( I guess she just happened to be in the right place at the right time) She was kind enough to bring me the little journel book. It was a life saver for me.  I started writing as though I were writing a letter to Daniel. I have been writing to him ever since.
When I fell I was wearing the dress Daniel bought me for our 40th anniversary. In the emergancy room they started to cut it off . I said, "NO, don't cut it. I will take it off." They looked at me like I was delusional. My arm was broken how would I get a dress off. I managed to get it up over my head and all except for the arm that was broken.  They had to cut that part. I was able to save the dress, and have it repaired. There is something about tangable things, like a dress, that we need to hang on to.
The little journel book helps me to hang on to past memories and let's me record new ones.
I know my Daniel is celebrating our anniversary around the throne of God today. I know some day I will be there too. But, in the meantime I will continue to write my thoughts in the little journel. Taking comfort in telling him the things I would if he were still here.

Through all this remembering and looking back, we have to remember God tells us we have no assurance of tomorrow. He tells us all that our days are like a vapour. Yet, we seem to think they will last forever. That nothing will change, things will always be the way they were. We put things off. Thinking we will have time to "fix it later", "tell her/him later", "go visit them tomorrow". Truth? There is no assurance of tomorrow. Tell him/her, visit those loved ones today.
Happy Anniversary Daniel

A guest post......

My friend Dean Bauman sent this to me. It blessed me. I pray that it will bless and comfort you as well.

Grieving and God

This is for anyone who has lost a loved one.

One of the hardest things to accept is that life as we know it does not go on. Relationships are often difficult to establish and maintain. And on rare, wonderful occasions, some just fall into place so easily and run so smoothly from both ends.

Losing one we're close to, feels unfair and so sad. Those we just fell in love with from the start, that were there for us whatever our circumstances, whatever our pain, no matter how we lost our humor, those we could wrap our arms around and receive comfort from, we find it impossible to release them to death.

Once we relax in knowing they are there, will never reject us, will always return our love and affection, how can we plan a future without them?

How can the memories be enough when our hearts seem to slow, yet pound so loudly in our throats, when our joy is crushed, when our eyes cloud and will never view things the same again? How should we behave? Why should we just walk back into life as though nothing ever happened? How can we ever be expected to smile again? How can we let go?

Amazingly enough, long before we were conceived, long before we participated in life, God had a plan........a perfect plan.

He foresaw the need for this life to have a beginning as well as an end. He created and thoroughly understood the complexities of relating to others. He gave us the ability to love and draw close. He knew the path our lives would take and how deeply we would feel pain. He left nothing out.

He built within us the abilities to grieve without dying, to let go without forgetting, to cope without quitting, to continue to love those who have gone on, yet grow to love others more strongly and even to add new love to our hearts.

He even gave us time......time to grieve, time to heal and time to grow from our new understanding.

Beyond our awesome creation, He knows exactly when we suffer loss and how hard it is for us.

We are among those He just fell in love with from the start, He is there for us no matter what our circumstances, what our pain, no matter how we've lost our humor, He wants to wrap us in His arms and receive comfort from Him.

We can relax in knowing He has always been there, will never reject us, will always return our love and affection, and will help us plan our future.

He will rejoice with us in our memories and restore our joy and make our hearts pound loudly in our throats in anticipation of a glad future.

We should not walk the same roads over again. He devised that when our eyes have clouded with tears we should never view things the same way again. We could grow bitter from sadness, or we can grow and learn compassion. We should never behave as though nothing ever happened. We should fondly remember that knowing, then missing someone has changed us, that we were blessed with the company of angels while they were here. This amazingly perfect plan that God has, of which He mapped out every possible outcome, leads us always back into His very capable, loving arms.

It's not that He wants us to suffer, not that He wants us to cry, not that He wants us to lose those we love dearly. God just wants us to remember that while we were happily on our journey with our loved one, He was happy too.

He leads us to know that after losing our loved one, when we return to life more lonely, He steps up closer to us and not only understands our loneliness, but helps us hold our head up.

When emptiness invades your sleep, He offers what no other friend can..... serenity as deep as the emptiness and hope as promising as the sunrise. He is the one friend that cannot and will not die, and will never leave our side. He is the almighty creator who gave you forever your friend or relative.

Love and Prayers, Dean
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The First Day of Spring............

It is the first week of spring. Daniel loved to garden. Even before the first day of spring he began preparing for planting season. He read gardening magazines, and checked planting times for our "zone".  I remember some special gardening incidents from years gone by.
In preparation for planting:
I remember coming home from work one day in February, to find all of these little square planting boxes lined up on my kitchen counter and the table.  Needless to say I did not immediately take to this new planting strategy. He explained to me that he was growing his own starter plants. This way he would not have to buy all his tomato, pepper, and other plants from the store. Let me explain. At the time we lived in Iowa in a two bedroom house that did not have a garage or storage facility or even a basement. Iowa in February, get the picture.  :) I knew by the look on his face, he felt the starter plants would be just fine there on the counter and the table. They would get plenty of  sunlight, and he would be able to keep a close eye on them. We finally came to a tense agreement. He would move them to the back of the table and off the counter. They ended up on top of the refrigerator, the washer, dryer, and on a chair in the front entry way. I was never so glad to see spring.
A bumper crop gone astray:
Daniel was not what you would call a conventional gardener. He was always looking for different ways to plant things. Yes, we had the upside down tomatoes hanging from the front porch. On this particular occasion, he had planted cucumbers in every available container he could find at the time. Lined them all up on the front porch. Ours was a cement porch. One step up from the sidewalk that ran in front of the house. This was a great year for cucumbers. They flourished in that spot. Their vines extended from the containers out over the edge of the porch, down the step onto the sidewalk. Wonderfully loaded with cucumbers. We had a lot of salad that year. Daniel loved cucumbers so he would go out and pick one, peel it and eat it. He was thrilled with his bumper crop.
Picnic table feast:
Daniel also loved jalapeno peppers.  He never planted things in a small way. This particular year he was trying the bucket planting method. I am not sure how many buckets of peppers he had. Let's just say it was enough to fill the top of the picnic table and both benches. The table was set strategically in the middle of our front yard. To get the full picture, I must give you a little background. Our yard was the main thoroughfare for the local deer population. Daniel had befriended a pair of orphaned twin fawns. He fed them corn and made sure they had water. They felt that his picnic table full of plants was a special buffet he had set up just for them. When the plants began to bloom, they came by and feasted to their hearts content on the blossoms. Daniel began to wonder why his beautiful plants were not producing any peppers. Mystery was solved one day when he caught them feasting at the table. He was furious with them. Out he went, no not with the shot gun, with the broom. Chasing and yelling and running around the yard. It was a sight to behold!! The deer simply ran to the woods on the west side of the house and waited for him to settle down. He would not sooner get in the house until they were back feasting again. Finally, he went to the garden store and purchased some "deer repellent". After a full dousing of that, the buffet was closed. The plants bloomed on and we had more jalapenos than we knew what to do with. We gave them to anyone we knew who liked "hot"peppers.We even froze them. I still had bags of peppers to give away when we began packing to move.
These are just a few memories I have of spring. When we moved to Washington, Daniel began staking out his garden spot. I am sad to say he did not get to enjoy it. It took him those first months to get it ready. He started to go downhill health wise after that. He did have one crowning glory out here. We bought two big decorative pots for the back patio. He planted, no not flowers.....wait for it.......Zucchini in them. :)  When I came home from my trip to Iowa, there they were all bloomed out. They were beautiful in those pots. It was a bumper crop again. We had more zucchini than we knew what to do with. In fact I still have two bags in the freezer. I may just keep them for sentimental reasons. When I look at his garden spot, all grown over with grass and weeds, I think of how hard he worked to make it. I wish I was able to take care of it for him. I am sadden because I can not.
These are some of the things I miss. Isn't it strange that we do not know what we will miss about a person until they are gone? When I was being frustrated with garden stuff planted (in what seemed to me) all the wrong places, I did not realize that would be one of the things I missed most about my Daniel.
I say this to encourage those of you who read this to cherish the one you have with you. Even the things they do that frustrate you to pieces. Say to yourself, I am blessed to have him or her with me, frustrations and all.

Precious Memories.......

"Precious memories, ♪♫ How they linger...♪♫ How they ever flood my soul....♪♫
The words to this old song are running through my head today. I am reflecting again.
Today a missionary came to my house. He is a young man with a family of five children. Baby number five was born just a few weeks ago. They are  missionaries in Bolivia here on leave. When they visited our church, I noticed on their list of needs that  he could use some tools for working on their motor home.  I approached him and asked if he would like to come by my house to look through Daniel's tools.
Daniel's tools, along other things special to him, have been untouched in the garage since he passed away 16 months ago.  I have not felt like doing much with that area. It was his domain. For many months things were just as he left them. Nothing was moved or disturbed. Gradually things began to be moved here and there, but for the most part things are just the way he left them. Daniel loved tools. He had lots of them. He always wanted to have a shop or garage to put out all his tools. He was so happy to at last be able to to that. When we first moved here, he spent hours out in the garage getting all the tools organized. I had no idea what he was doing out there; until today. As the young missionary began to open up the tool boxes, and there are many, each one was unique. He explained to me what each one was for. "This one, he said, is his electrical box. When he was working on something to do with the electrical system all he had to do was take this box"  Me? I was clueless.
He opened one with different things in it and told me what that box was for. He said he could tell a lot about a man from looking at his tools.
Once again I realized there were many things about the man I had been married to for 43 years that I did not know. How well do you know your mate? My advice? Take time to observe and get to know the one you love and want to spend the rest of your life with.
I had intended to be a blessing to the young missionary, but it was the other way around. He opened a door of insight into my husband that I had not seen before.  I know Daniel would  have been pleased to know that his beloved tools would be a blessing to this young man. He would have been proud to show him all the things that he had. He would have been generous with his giving, because that was the kind of man he was. My regret is I did not notice these things until it was to late to acknowledge them to him.
I am learning that part of the grief process is dealing with regret and guilt. I think regret is the hardest of all. It leads to guilt and if you let it to despair. How many times do we say to ourselves, Oh if only......... We can not go back. There are no do overs in death. We can only ask for help to go forward.
 Time passes so swiftly
 Take stock in what you have.
 Make each day count.
How many times have we read or heard these phrases only to let them roll off us like water off a ducks back. Why is it that only when it is too late do we realize how important it is?  I do not have the answer. I can only hope that you will not go down the same path of regret that I am on.
Ask God to help you. Ask Him to show you how you can change. He will. My problem? I didn't ask soon enough.