How far have I come..........

Sometimes we need to look back to where we were in order to see how far we have come. Especially when it seems that the end of our journey is still a long distance away. Finally, there comes the time when you look back and see that you are closer to the end of the journey then you are to the place you started.
Two years ago on this day I did not realize that I would only have 15 days left with my husband. Fifteen days to have a conversation with him. To ask him questions, offer my opinions and receive his. To hear him moving about in the house. To cook for him, or eat a meal with him. To smell his presence in the house, his coffee brewing, his aftershave.
As I approach the second anniversary of his passing, I am looking back to see if I have moved any along this path of grief.  I am noticing these changes.

• Those first days and even months after Daniel died I always woke up from sleeping surprised that I was still here. When I laid down at night to sleep, I wondered if this was my last day here. Then in the morning when I awoke I was truly surprised. I no longer feel that element of surprise. I fall asleep naturally and wake up normally without that element of wonder and surprise.
• Sounds. I have stopped listening for his sound. I would catch myself listening for the ticking of his heart valve,.for his footsteps, the sound of his breathing.  I no longer do that. I do not know when I stopped. I just noticed that I don't do that any more
• Those first days and months and even the first year were filled with tears. Tears of regret, loneliness, guilt. Now they have been replaced by memories of happy times and funny things that happened in our life together. Tears? Oh yes, there are times when they are just under the surface waiting to spring forth like a fountain. But that fountain does not flow as quickly and easily these days.

So, as I look back to November 2010, I see that I have moved on down the path of grief. I am not sure I have reached the halfway point yet. I know I am not near the end of the path. How much farther do I have to go? I do not know.  I can not see the end of the path. Perhaps there is no end. Perhaps it will always be with me in some form or another. I do believe there will come a day when I will be closer to the end of the path then I am to the start. Today is not that day.
I will continue on one day at a time by the grace of God. I know that it is Him who gives me the strength to face each day, week, month.