Not in my own strength........

How are you doing? Just a little note to let you know I am thinking of you and praying for you.

I have been listening to a song entitled "I Still Glory in The Cross" by the Mike Bowling family. The words have ministered to me today, so I thought I would share some of them with you.

"I am only standing now because of mercy"............
  Is that not the truth? As I look back on the past 2 1/2 years, I see many, many times I stood by the grace and mercy of God alone. I know some of you have just recently lost your husband or someone close to you. Those of us who have been down the road a ways understand what you are going through, and tell you it will get better. In the mean time, hang on to faith.

Another part of the song says:

"If everything I own were taken from me,

All the things of earth I hold so dear,

I were left alone to face tomorrow,

I still have no cause to doubt or fear...."

Oh boy do we know how that feels. I know I felt like I was cut in half. It seemed like part of me was/is missing. I was left alone to face tomorrow. At least it seemed that way at the time. I am thinking about and praying for a young woman who lost her husband last week. They have five children, and live on a ranch in Montana. He was a pilot flying back home, when his plane went down and he was killed. I am sure she is suffering the pain of those first days of loss. Even though we know our husbands were men of faith, we still feel that pain of loss. If you have not experienced such a loss, it is nearly impossible to describe that kind of pain. I know I thought I knew and could sympathize with those who were suffering loss, but.......no....I now know I was clueless.

As I look back, I see I was never alone. God was with me every step of the way. I always thought I was a strong women of faith until that day, November 19th 2010, I realized in my own strength I could NOT face what was ahead. The second thing I realized is we don't have to. (smile)
Hang in there !!






　

Spring............

Spring. My Daniel loved spring. The first warm days of spring would find him outside doing something. He loved to garden. Every place we lived, here in the Midwest, he had a garden spot of some kind. The first project he began when we moved to Washington was making a small garden spot in the back yard. Daniel bought garden magazines and began pouring over them in February.  In the Midwest it is still very cold and snowy in February. That didn't seem to bother him. By the time planting season rolled around he was ready. Now I should tell you that my Daniel was no ordinary gardener. He loved to try new gardening ideas. One year he decided to plant cucumbers in pots. That was fine, but he thought the best place for them to grow was all lined up along the front porch. Needless to say it was great weather for cucumbers that year. The vines went everywhere. We could hardly go out the front door without stepping on cucumbers. :) I can smile at the memory now. I am sure I was not happy about it at the time.  I think I have told you the story of the jalapenos and the ensuing war with the deer.

I think Daniel's most interesting garden, and the one he is famous for to this day, is the bucket garden. Now maybe that doesn't sound "foreign" to you. However, to me, a homegrown Iowa women, it was completely wrong. My grand mother's garden, my dad's garden, in fact every garden I had ever known all my life was planted in neat straight rows of rich Iowa soil. So, a garden planted in five gallon buckets was just weird to me. I did not have the sense of adventure that he had when it came to gardening. Instead of rows of peas, green beans, radishes, corn and squash.  WE had rows of buckets of tomatoes, zucchini and pepper plants. (Daniel loved to grow peppers)

With such difference of how a garden should be planted, spring brought some arguments to our household. I never won any of them. He finally got to the place he would just go ahead and do what he wanted anyway. Even though I tried to tell him flowers would be more appropriate hanging on the front porch than upside down pots with tomatoes growing out of them.
(sigh) Those were the days.

As the weather begins to warm up here and the grass turns green, I would give anything to see my Daniel out there making preparations to plant his garden. There would be no arguments about how or what he planted. There would only be joy and watching him work. I think one of my biggest regrets is the wasted time we spent arguing about things that did not matter. I would love to be able to trade all those minutes in for days with my husband once again.

My tip for you today......if you are blessed to have your husband or wife still with you, think twice about what you waste your time on. We have no assurance of tomorrow. Recently a friend of mine was visiting with a friend on Saturday and on Monday his friend was dead. I am sure each of you have heard similar stories. Maybe you have experience them. I know I have. Daniel and I went out to breakfast and by noon he was gone.  Take if from someone who knows, cherish each day you have together. It may be your last.

 

2013,,,,,,,,Year 3

Here we are two months into a new year. I am sorry I have not been able to post something sooner. The holidays were difficult for me this year. I am sure they were for you too.  Daniel's birthday came and went in January. These "milestone" dates are hard to get through sometimes.
Let me recap these past few months for you.
Let's start with December:
Christmas can be a difficult time or a joyous time. Some of the things that made the season difficult for me were these:

• Sending Christmas cards. I love to send out cards at Christmas time. I would always pick out what I thought were the most beautiful cards with just the right message. However, since Daniel passed away I have not enjoyed this as much. Signing just my name doesn't seem "right" somehow. This year I did a few cards, but switched to a letter. It came just from me, about my activities. It was easier to sign just my name.
• The gifts. Daniel always wanted to buy the gift for our son. He seemed to know just what to get. I, on the other hand, loved to buy the gifts for our grand children. Since they were in Washington with me here in Iowa, it was difficult to know what to do. They all got gift cards or money. I am sure that was fine with them, but for me.......not so much.
• The gatherings. Daniel was not so big on these. Especially after he had his stroke in 2003. He preferred small get togethers. One on one.  He loved getting with our son and his family. Watching the kids open their gifts. So, this past season, all the gatherings were difficult to get through. In fact I did not make it to some of them.

There were times of joy too:

• The programs. Daniel was not big on going to the Christmas programs, but I loved them. This past season I got to enjoy the programs of my nephews two kids. They were so cute dressed in their "Christmas clothes". This brought much joy to me during a very difficult time.
• Receiving cards. Again this was not Daniel's thing. Oh, he liked to look at the cards we received. He would smile because I would be so excited about them. :) I still get excited about getting Christmas cards in the mail.  I hang them all up and make sure I have sent one back to those I receive from. Since I was living with my nephew this season, his son Lucas (age 5) helped me hang up my cards as they came in the mail. He loved doing this and brought me joy during times of grief this past season.
• Church services. Christmas is a time of rejoicing for Christians. When you are in the grieving process, rejoicing is not always easy. Worship is though. Through all the time of sadness or missing our loved one, we can still worship our Saviour. Rejoice? I have to be honest with you, no, I could not always rejoice. Some day I am sure I will be able to do that. I did worship though and it brought joy to my heart. 

New year's day came and went. I could hardly believe another year had passed. As we moved into January, memories of  Daniel's birthday loomed in the distance. Why is it so special? When our son and daughter-in-law notified us that our first grand child was to be born, we were so excited. Then we found out she would be born on or near Daniel's birthday. He was over the moon with excitement. However, when it came down to the time, the doctor changed the date from his birthday on the 28th to the 27th. Needless to say Daniel was not happy with that Dr. So....he changed his birthday to hers. On paper his was still January 28th, but all celebrations were done on hers, January 27th.  This day was the most difficult for me. I could not seem to stop the sadness or the flow of tears on this day. I missed him so much.

 

Now we are into February. Valentine's day is coming up. Last year I posted some pictures of the cards I saved from past Valentine's days. Daniel always (most always) gave me a card and a box of candy on that day. The size of the box of candy would depend on how close the day was to pay day. :)

The small things that Daniel always did are missing from my life now. I have these "gaps" or holes in my life now. Some would say wounds. As I enter into year 3, I notice that the pain of the "wounds" is diminishing. The holes and gaps are starting to fill in with other "small" things. I think I am healing. This is a good thing. I have made the decision to go back to Washington to live the rest of my days. I have been so "unsettled" these last three years. Partly due to trauma, partly due to just being lost without Daniel in my life. I think it is time for me to go "home" and be settled.

 

How are you all doing? I would love to hear from you. You can comment here or on the e-mail address or at grnmaj@live.com

I pray for you all. I trust God is helping you through your grief. Hang in there. There is a light.......there is hope......there is peace......there is a new day.

The Day.........

November is almost over. Although this is the second year since my Daniel went home to be with the Lord, I have struggled more this year than last. I am not sure why. In my mind the rational thing would be "the further down the road you get from the incident the less grief you will have". It is not working out that way this year. The actual day, November 19th, was  very difficult for me. Lots of tears and regrets etc.....  Again I am not sure why.  Thanksgiving day 2010 was the day we were making plans for Daniel's memorial service. Family and friends had arrived from Iowa and Texas. Yes, we had a Thanksgiving  supper. ( I had already made preparations for Thanksgiving dinner before Daniel passed away). I was busy that day. It helped me keep my mind off of things.
This year I was not sure I could cope with this day.
 Because of my struggling I have not been able to post anything on the blog. I apologize for that. The purpose of the blog is to share what I have been going through, and perhaps help or encourage you along your walk with grief.
Since the "Day" has passed I have pondered these things:

• Each "walk" is going to be different. People will tell you that it will get easier as time goes by. it may for you and again it may take a lot of time. There is no pattern to follow. I can share my experience with you hoping that something that has happened to me will help you along your way. BUT your walk will not be the same as mine.
• Only God can help us over the rough spots. Being surrounded with people who love us and mean well does not always "help".
• We can not go forward with our lives, if you are always looking back.

I want to share a little more on that last one. I seem to be struggling with getting on with my life. I am always looking back to the way things were. They will never be that way again. I can not seem to find my place so to speak. When I was in Washington, I was always wondering if I should be in Iowa. Now that I am in Iowa I am wondering if I should have stayed in Washington.  My last memories of Daniel are connected with Washington. Until I can come to terms with going forward with out him at my side, I am not sure I will be able to go forward.
Then comes the question Do we need to go forward? Can't we just drift along with the tide? Just continue on day to day? Taking each day in "stride"?
I do not know what your spouse would say, but I can hear Daniel saying "You need to move on!"
I carry one of the little memorial cards from Daniel's service in my purse. It was a comfort for me at first, and now I just like having it there.  It has his picture in it and this poem.

 

Miss Me - But Let Me Go

 

When I come to the end of the road

And the sun has set for me

I want to rites of gloom filled room,

Why cry for a soul set free.

 

Miss me a little - but not too long,

And not with your head bowed low,

Remember the love that we once shared,

Miss me - but let me go.

 

For this is a journey we all must take,

And each must go alone,

It's all part of the Master's plan,

A step on the road to home.

 

When you are lonely and sick of heart,

go to the friends we know,

Bury your sorrow in doing good deeds,

Miss me - but let me go.

 

If I could say something to him, I would say "That is not as easy to do as it sounds". :)

I know I have said this in other posts, but it bares repeating. We can NOT stay in this same place of sadness. It is not healthy and NOT what our loved one would want. Again, I do not know the answers. However, I do know the one who does. I do know that the Holy Spirit is our comforter. There are times when I need Him to cover me like a big warm comforter and He does. When your "day" comes around, let the Lord Jesus and family and friends help you through it. They (whoever they are)say it gets easier with time. I have to admit in some ways it has, but not always. Go forward my fellow grief walkers. Go forward.

 



Life happens.....

"......life will give you a broken dream full of sorrow and fear......."
This is a line of a song I was to sing at church on November 11th. Veterans day. When I came to that line in the song, waves of sorrow and grief and fear swept over me. I could not go on. I was instantly transported back to November 19th 2010. The memory of the sorrow that filled me on that day was so real once again. The fear that was to grip me like a  vise for weeks, months even, seemed so real once again. At noon on that day my dreams and plans came to a screeching halt never to be fulfilled.
Stuff happens to us. Life happens to us. We hope for happiness, but sometimes we are dealt heartache and sorrow. I think of all the ladies who have lost husbands, sons, daughters in war. That knock, the officer standing at the door. Perhaps it was a phone call or telegram. The same sorrow I felt two years ago comes to any of us who have experienced such a loss. What happens next?
For me it went like this. I wrestled with the fear. If you have read my first posts, you know I slept with my cell phone in my hand. Not just on my pillow or beside my bed but in my hand for weeks. I kept it with me in my pocket during the day. Some how having the phone right there kept the fear a bay.
How do you cope? One day at a time. One hour at a time. Sometimes one moment at a time. Meeting each wave of sorrow head on with prayer for strength to go on. Wondering how you will ever make it though. Knowing it will be only with the help of God almighty.
As long as we have breath in our body, we are subject to the ups and downs of life. Sometimes folks feel like they are "exempt" some how from the broken dreams of life. We are not.
The next line of the song is ".......turn around don't look back again. Face the new day before you. Place your heartache in Jesus' hands. He can mend broken dreams......"
I feel like I am reaching that turning point. As I approach the second anniversary of Daniel's passing, I am sad but not disheartened. This gives me hope that I can turn around and face the new day before me.
“ Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28
Place your heartache in Jesus hands.  I did.

How far have I come..........

Sometimes we need to look back to where we were in order to see how far we have come. Especially when it seems that the end of our journey is still a long distance away. Finally, there comes the time when you look back and see that you are closer to the end of the journey then you are to the place you started.
Two years ago on this day I did not realize that I would only have 15 days left with my husband. Fifteen days to have a conversation with him. To ask him questions, offer my opinions and receive his. To hear him moving about in the house. To cook for him, or eat a meal with him. To smell his presence in the house, his coffee brewing, his aftershave.
As I approach the second anniversary of his passing, I am looking back to see if I have moved any along this path of grief.  I am noticing these changes.

• Those first days and even months after Daniel died I always woke up from sleeping surprised that I was still here. When I laid down at night to sleep, I wondered if this was my last day here. Then in the morning when I awoke I was truly surprised. I no longer feel that element of surprise. I fall asleep naturally and wake up normally without that element of wonder and surprise.
• Sounds. I have stopped listening for his sound. I would catch myself listening for the ticking of his heart valve,.for his footsteps, the sound of his breathing.  I no longer do that. I do not know when I stopped. I just noticed that I don't do that any more
• Those first days and months and even the first year were filled with tears. Tears of regret, loneliness, guilt. Now they have been replaced by memories of happy times and funny things that happened in our life together. Tears? Oh yes, there are times when they are just under the surface waiting to spring forth like a fountain. But that fountain does not flow as quickly and easily these days.

So, as I look back to November 2010, I see that I have moved on down the path of grief. I am not sure I have reached the halfway point yet. I know I am not near the end of the path. How much farther do I have to go? I do not know.  I can not see the end of the path. Perhaps there is no end. Perhaps it will always be with me in some form or another. I do believe there will come a day when I will be closer to the end of the path then I am to the start. Today is not that day.
I will continue on one day at a time by the grace of God. I know that it is Him who gives me the strength to face each day, week, month.

The number of our days..........

The Bible tells us that only God knows the number of our days. I have been pondering some things regarding this. Why are the number of days uneven? Example: Daniel's days were up, but I am still here with days to go. It would seem logical to me that our days should be over together.

I have never been a horse person so to speak, but I do know what a well matched team looks like pulling a load together. My grandfather was a farmer and plowed with a team of horses. (As a child I would go to the field with him playing in the dirt at the edge of the field while he plowed.) A good marriage relationship is like that. Two people pulling life's load together as a team. Sometimes through hardships and around difficulties. Over time they become a well matched "team". When you are used to being a "team" and one of the team is no longer there, it is very difficult to pull the load.
Some forage ahead because of small children, some find another and become a team again. However, some become mired down with despair and depression and stop pulling altogether. Coming to a complete stop in life. Just marking the days. Watching time pass as they wait for the "number of their days" to come up. This is not good.

I think we come to a point in the grief process where we have to make a choice. Where do I go from here? What do I do with the rest of my days? Do I want to go on alone? These are all questions that run across our minds like a scroll. We have to meet them head on. Answering each one as it comes up.
Do I want to go on alone? In the early days of grief we answer that with a big NO. It seems impossible to go on alone. The hurt is too great! The pain of loss seems unbearable. We can not imagine a life without our loved one beside us. Then over time the question changes to "Can I go on alone?" and to this one we can choose to answer yes.
 Bringing up the next question :
Where do I go from here? This is not an easy one to answer. Sometimes we eagerly move on. Thinking it will help ease the pain and grief of loss. This often results in rash decisions that we regret later. Not an easy question to answer. I would say, one step at a time, one day at a time.

What do I do with the rest of my days?  I think I am at this place in the grief walk. I find myself just marking time. Not knowing what to do with my days. Not always feeling like I can be productive anymore.  (sigh) Sometimes feeling old and alone. The doorway to despair and depression.
If you have lost your team mate at a relative young age, it may be different for you. You probably have had to continue working and have a family to care for.
However, for those of us who are older, retired, and finding ourselves no longer part of a team; it can be difficult to move on. I feel like I am a different person. I no longer "fit in" to areas I was once very active in. Since I am older, my physical abilities are limited.
Where do I go from here. I am going to make a conscious choice to find out. As a christian, my first instinct is to start with prayer. Asking God to help me find direction  and purpose for these days He has left me with. I am sure it would not be His will for me to just mark time.  Not knowing what to do or how to begin I am going to need His help.
My second step will be to go to His word. The Bible has always been my road map for life.
Where are you? If you find yourself at the threshold of despair, make a choice today to do something about it. Don't continue to just mark time. We can all be productive in some way. Find out what your way is.