Timeline.....

You can look back through history and record a time line of  thousands of years, a few hundred years, or just months, even days. However long you choose, there will be significant dates and events posted along the way.
My time line starts on April 27, 1967. Our wedding day. There is the birth of our son on October 10,1970. The purchase of our first house a couple of years later. Trips, purchase of new cars etc.....
Then in 1985 Daniel had his first major health issue. His aortic valve stopped working. He had to have open heart surgery. Life changed drastically for us after that. There were the dark days following his recovery while he was with out work. He was a meat packer, and could not go back to that line of work. During this part of our time line we learned what "living by faith" was really all about.
Along in there our son graduated from high school and joined the Air Force. There are some events surrounding that.
God provided Daniel with a new line of work. He worked 15 years at a job God opened up for him. It still helps to provide for me today.  Our son got married and has given us three beautiful grand children. Daniel was so proud the day Ben and Cindy told him our grand daughter was on the way. She was to be born on his birthday January 28, 1998. Then the Dr. changed the date to January 27th. (Daniel was not happy with him) Ever after that Daniel's birthday was changed to January 27th. (Except on legal papers) :)
Our grand daughter was followed by two grand sons. Each event a source of pride and pleasure to us.

In the spring of 2003 Daniel's health took another turn. He suffered a stoke. There was another time of recovery for him. God was faithful and sustained us through these difficult times. We were thankful that he was not paralyzed, although there were some complications. He could not speak or read for some time. After many weeks of therapy he was able to regain his speech. Even though he had been declared disabled he led a pretty full life. In 2009 we followed our son and his family to the Pacific Northwest. Relocating to Granite Falls, WA from western Iowa. Daniel's health began to go down hill and on November 19th 2010 my time line ends.

This time line spans 43 years. Now it seems like 43 minutes. The Bible tells us that life is but a vapor. It passes so quickly. Too quickly to hold grudges, to let unkind words linger between you. Too quickly, to wait to make a wrong a right. Too quickly to have anger and hurtful words rip holes in your relationship.
Ephesians 4:26 "....let not the sun go down upon your wrath." This is a good rule to follow. I can look back over my timeline remembering times that anger came between us.  Usually over something that seems very silly and trivial now. Check your time line. Are there some things that can be changed going forward? Make those changes now. We have no assurance of tomorrow. We only have today. We are great ones to "make plans". In reality? I have a whole list of plans that were never full filled. Time ended 11/19/2010.

Counting.........

21 months. That is the count. I have been wondering if you ever stop counting the months, days, years that have passed since the death of a loved one. In this case my  husband.  When someone mentions they have lost a loved one, it is usually accompanied by a number representing the length of time that has passed. Example:"My wife passed away 15 years ago".  So, my question is, do you ever stop counting? The 19th of every month marks another mile stone for me. I have reached a point where that date does not bring a sense of dread or anxiety. It does however always bring a sense of sadness and memory. Perhaps that is because these feelings of sadness are still just beneath the surface.  My next question is, do they ever stop rising to the surface?  Perhaps they do when you stop counting by months and start counting by years.
Another thing I have noticed is, I still refer to Daniel and I as "we" or "our". I don't know if I will ever think of myself and just "I".  Perhaps the longevity of our time together is the result of this mind set.  Even though there have been many physical changes during this last 21 months, mentally and emotionally I am still very much connected to the man I was married to for 43 years. I am not sure this cord will ever be broken or even "disconnected" for that matter.

(sigh) All I can say is "hang in there". We will walk this walk together with the Lord. He is the one holding us up each day.

The Move...........

They say not to make any major decisions for at least a year after the death of someone close to you. I do not know who "they" are, but I decided to follow their advice anyway. It has been 20 months since my husband passed away. After much prayer and counseling I made the major decision to move back to Iowa. This would be a 1700 mile move. It would not come about easily. With much help from friends and family I arrived in Iowa June 27th. Almost 3 years to the day that Daniel and I moved from Council Bluffs, Iowa to Granite Falls, Washington. 

I prepared myself for many things, but I did not prepare myself for the flood of memories that would come rushing in when I arrived back in the place that Daniel and I had lived for so many years. We moved to Council Bluffs in 1970 and lived there until June 29th of 2009.  There are memories rushing at me from every direction. This is where we lived, this is where he worked, this is where we shopped for groceries. On and on.  I went up by the last house that we lived in. I could see the grand kids playing in the yard. Daniel's trucks parked in the driveway. His garden spot. The famous bucket garden. There were tears that day.

These are good memories even though they can be painful at times. I have been torn between the place we lived so long  and the last place we were together.  (sigh) I am not sure there will ever be a time when memories do not make tears come to my eyes. For those of you who are following me on this path of grief, hang in there. Cherish the memories, but don't allow them to surround you with a cloud of sadness.  Sometimes the sadness can seem like a fog that will never lift or go away. It feels like the "sun" will never shine again. That there will be nothing that will make you smile or feel happy. Let me tell you that it will lift, if you let it.  (Been there and done that)  I can also tell you that it is very easy to let yourself fall back into that fog of sadness.  Solution? I do not have one. I can only tell you what has worked for me. Focus on things ahead not so much on things behind. Then add faith, and prayer, and the word of God. Use these tools to build a stairway out of the fog.  Do not be hesitant to ask for prayer from friends or your pastor. Reach out to others.
I leave you with the words from this song:
♪♫ Peace, peace, wonderful peace.
      Coming down from the Father above,
      Sweep over my spirit for ever I pray,
      In fathomless billows of love. ♫♫♪

Happy Father's Day..........

June. The start of summer. Celebration of flag day, and Father's day. I remember things my father taught me. With the changing times has come the changing role of father's in the lives of our children. Some children, sad to say, do not even know their father. My Father taught me a few distinctive things.
#1 He taught me how to make gravy in the skillet. He came home from work for lunch. I could fry the chicken, mash the potatoes, cook the green beans, but I could not make the gravy. He would make the gravy. I guess he got tired of that because one day he said to me,"Sissy,(he always called me that) you are going to learn how to make gravy." He then proceeded to show me how. :) (My mother was working outside the home at that time in our lives.)
#2 My Father, not the school system or google, taught me how to read a road map. To this day it is easier for me to find where I am going by looking at a road map than it is to listen to a voice on a GPS telling me to turn here or there. :)
These are just a couple of things my Father taught me.  I remember him today.
My husband Daniel was a good father. He didn't always feel like he was though. He had some specific things he wanted to teach our son. 
#1  How to take care of himself in the woods.
#2 How to shoot and care for a gun safely
#3 The love of books and reading.
I noticed some other things that he taught our son that Daniel probably didn't even realize he was teaching.
Our son has a very good work ethic. He learned at least part of this from his father. Daniel was a hard working man. It troubled him, after his heart surgery, that he could not go back to the job he knew. He decided to go to college to learn a new trade. These were hard days for him. In the end he took care of us really well. I did not thank him enough. This is listed under things I regret.
Daniel was a man of faith also. He was not a real out going man. Especially after he had a stroke in 2003. However, we would not hesitate to express his faith in God. I remember enjoying listening to him having a conversation with a man who proclaimed he was an atheist. With a subtle smile on his face, Daniel told him (something I will never forget) "How can you say God does not exist? There has to be something there for you to say it never existed. If it never existed, you would not know anything about it to say that it wasn't there"  (smile)
Daniel has been with the Lord for 19 months now. We miss him terribly here. I know he is enjoying this day with his heavenly Father.

Eye Glasses.........

How long have you been walking this path of grief? My Daniel died 19 months ago. I thought I had reached the point where the pain was no longer a sharp knife cutting out my heart. It is more of a dull ache like pain in a spot that  seems unable to be soothed.  However, today I found out it is a wound that has not healed. It is just scabbed over, and fragile. It can be ripped open by some seemingly insignificant thing and cause a wave of sharp pain  to pour through me.

I am packing up things, in order to make a move. I felt like I should go through the things in Daniel's dresser drawers. Sorting out things we wanted to keep etc....   My grand daughter was helping me. As she went through the items she handed me a pair of glasses. They were not in a case.  Just glasses laying in the drawer. FLASHBACK!  All of a sudden I was seeing Daniel laying there on the floor. The paramedics had laid his glasses up on that dresser and someone had placed them in that drawer. Oh the pain of loss that swept through me. I had to stop sorting. I told my grand daughter that we would have to do this another day.

If you are new to this walk of grief, your pain of loss is still fresh and sharp. There will come a day when it is bearable. I am not sure it will ever go away completely. It seems that when you least
expect it, something will come along causeing it to raise up anew and afresh.  I have wonderful memories of Daniel.  I try to keep these alive in my mind and heart. I talk about him. Recalling good times and funny things that happened to us. I do not think it is good for us to dwell on those terrible last moments of the death. I want to dwell on knowing that he is with the Lord. That he is well. That he is at peace. That he has a new body, not the broken one that he left behind.
Hang in there my friend. This too shall pass.  Go to the Lord and ask Him to give you strength for each day. He has been doing that for me for a long time now.  

Memorial Day.......

This is Memorial Day weekend in our country. It is a holiday. People have the day off work. Banks and government offices are closed. Schools are closed. Families go on vacation or just take the weekend to spend time together.
Memorial Day is the day set aside to honor our veterans. My Dad served in WWII aboard the aircraft carrier USS Windham Bay. Our son served in the air force during operation desert storm.
There will be parades and bar-b-ques. Picnics and fishing trips. This is the day that officially starts the summer season. The public swimming pool opens for the season. Hotels convert to their "summer" rates. We all have our family traditions surrounding Memorial Day. As a child I remember Mom and Dad  loading us all up to go "down home". (That meant going to where they were raised in southeast Iowa.) There would be Aunts and Uncles and cousins to visit and play with. Mom and Dad always took flowers to place on  the graves of relatives who had passed on. There was always a BIG family dinner that included homemade ice cream for desert, along with home baked pies. The cousins would vie for the chance to "set" on the ice cream freezer while my Uncle turned the crank. Then we hung out in the kitchen, when it was finished, hoping to be the one chosen to "lick" the left over ice cream from the freezer paddles.

Daniel's parents are buried in Beatrice, Ne. It was very important to him to honor them by placing flowers on their graves on Memorial Day. Beatrice, Ne was about two and a half hours from where we lived. We would plan for the trip and make a day of it. First stop was Rock Port, Mo to have breakfast at the truck stop there. (they also have good fried chicken gizzards) :)  Next stop was at Auburn, Ne to take pictures of the beautiful flags on display there. (see pictures below) Sometimes we went through Nebraska City to stop at the large flea market there. Daniel loved books. He  always came away from there with a few books he was sure he didn't  have. On then to Beatrice. Decorating the graves, taking some pictures, and having a bite of lunch were next on the agenda. He drove home while I took a nap.
One of the things he regretted about moving to Washington State was the fact that he would not be able to decorate his parents graves on Memorial Day. Last year I visited the mid west, and that is one of the things I did for him. It was very hard to go to his parents graves with out him. Decorating the graves was such an important thing to him, that I wanted to make it happen not realizing how hard it would be. It wasn't the fun weekend we had always had in the past. The sense of loss was overwhelming.
We can place beautiful head stones with flowery words at the last resting place of our loved ones, and go there to visit. We can take flowers and decorations to honor them. But all this does not fill the void that is left by their absense.Of all the memories I have of Memorial Day weekend, I never thought they would include going to my husband's place of rest.
I guess Memorial Day is a day of remembering. Honoring those who fought for our freedoms. Honoring those whom we have loved and laid to rest. Honoring those who are still with us by getting together as family. Make some memorial day memories. They will come back to comfort you some day.

Mother's Day.........

I am remembering the day our son was born. 10-10-70. Isn't it funny how babies come along at what seems to be an inopportune time? Daniel and I were going through a difficult financial time in 1970. We were living in a small trailer house in Sierra Vista, Arizona. Daniel was out of work. I had been so concerned about our problems that did not even pay attention to the fact that I really was not feeling good most of the time those days.  Finally, I decided I should go to the Dr.  That was a big decision, because we did not have insurance or any money. When the Dr. told us I was pregnant, Daniel was thrilled and I was worried. How would we take care of a baby?  But, as they say, life goes on.

Some women sail through pregnancy with flying colors. Never a sick day or moment. I, was NOT one of those women. As I said, we lived in a very small trailer at the time. It was exactly two steps from the bed to the bathroom. I could set on the toilet and puke in the sink. (ewwwww! my grand daughter would say TMI grandma) Mornings were awful!  My Daniel was a morning person. He loved breakfast. Not just cereal or toast, but a full blown bacon, eggs, fried potatoes etc... breakfast.  About the time I felt I could lift my head from the pillow, Daniel would start his breakfast.  The smell of bacon cooking and potatoes frying would turn my stomach upside down. I was only too glad to know the bathroom was  only two steps away.

Daniel continued to be out of work that year. Finally circumstances warranted us to move to Iowa where my family lived. He manage to get work right away, and we moved into a small apartment. It was August. August in Iowa is very hot and humid, and our apartment did not have air conditioning. Some days I would visit my parents who had a wonderfully cool air conditioned house. Other days that was not an option. I had to come up with some cooling methods of my own. By this time I was seven months pregnant and miserable. Daniel would come home from work to find me like a beached whale in the bath tub filled with cold water.

September brought us some cooler temps. We continued to make preparations for the arrival of our baby.  When that day came, it was snowing and cold. We hurried from Council Bluffs, Ia across the river to St Joseph's hospital in Omaha, NE.
I will never forget the first time we saw our son. Daniel would have busted all the buttons if there had been any on his shirt, he was so proud.  My first thought was, he looks just like his Dad. And, that was a good thing,
October 10, 1970 Daniel and I became parents. Did we make mistakes along the way? Oh yes. Daniel left the baby in the grocery cart in the store once. :) When he got in the car, I said "Where's the baby?" The look on his face was pure panic. He rushed back into the store and there was the baby sitting the cart right were Daniel had left him.  :)
When our son was just a few weeks old, Daniel slipped and fell on the ice in front of my sister's apartment. He was holding the baby. Daniel ended up flat on his back with the baby on his chest. My sister and I ran out to him and grabbed up the baby We rushed inside took off all the blankets and clothes, examed him all over  to see if he was hurt. We forgot all about Daniel laying out there on the ground. :) He teased us about that for years.
Daniel was a good father. He raised a good son.
There really isn't a "road map" for parenting. Yes there are all kinds of how to books out there. The bottom line is one from the Bible. "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. " That takes time and patience and most of all love.  You can't train up a child if you are only a part time father. It is a full time job.
Humm this sounds more like a father's day post than a mother's day post. :)