The Move...........

They say not to make any major decisions for at least a year after the death of someone close to you. I do not know who "they" are, but I decided to follow their advice anyway. It has been 20 months since my husband passed away. After much prayer and counseling I made the major decision to move back to Iowa. This would be a 1700 mile move. It would not come about easily. With much help from friends and family I arrived in Iowa June 27th. Almost 3 years to the day that Daniel and I moved from Council Bluffs, Iowa to Granite Falls, Washington. 

I prepared myself for many things, but I did not prepare myself for the flood of memories that would come rushing in when I arrived back in the place that Daniel and I had lived for so many years. We moved to Council Bluffs in 1970 and lived there until June 29th of 2009.  There are memories rushing at me from every direction. This is where we lived, this is where he worked, this is where we shopped for groceries. On and on.  I went up by the last house that we lived in. I could see the grand kids playing in the yard. Daniel's trucks parked in the driveway. His garden spot. The famous bucket garden. There were tears that day.

These are good memories even though they can be painful at times. I have been torn between the place we lived so long  and the last place we were together.  (sigh) I am not sure there will ever be a time when memories do not make tears come to my eyes. For those of you who are following me on this path of grief, hang in there. Cherish the memories, but don't allow them to surround you with a cloud of sadness.  Sometimes the sadness can seem like a fog that will never lift or go away. It feels like the "sun" will never shine again. That there will be nothing that will make you smile or feel happy. Let me tell you that it will lift, if you let it.  (Been there and done that)  I can also tell you that it is very easy to let yourself fall back into that fog of sadness.  Solution? I do not have one. I can only tell you what has worked for me. Focus on things ahead not so much on things behind. Then add faith, and prayer, and the word of God. Use these tools to build a stairway out of the fog.  Do not be hesitant to ask for prayer from friends or your pastor. Reach out to others.
I leave you with the words from this song:
♪♫ Peace, peace, wonderful peace.
      Coming down from the Father above,
      Sweep over my spirit for ever I pray,
      In fathomless billows of love. ♫♫♪

Happy Father's Day..........

June. The start of summer. Celebration of flag day, and Father's day. I remember things my father taught me. With the changing times has come the changing role of father's in the lives of our children. Some children, sad to say, do not even know their father. My Father taught me a few distinctive things.
#1 He taught me how to make gravy in the skillet. He came home from work for lunch. I could fry the chicken, mash the potatoes, cook the green beans, but I could not make the gravy. He would make the gravy. I guess he got tired of that because one day he said to me,"Sissy,(he always called me that) you are going to learn how to make gravy." He then proceeded to show me how. :) (My mother was working outside the home at that time in our lives.)
#2 My Father, not the school system or google, taught me how to read a road map. To this day it is easier for me to find where I am going by looking at a road map than it is to listen to a voice on a GPS telling me to turn here or there. :)
These are just a couple of things my Father taught me.  I remember him today.
My husband Daniel was a good father. He didn't always feel like he was though. He had some specific things he wanted to teach our son. 
#1  How to take care of himself in the woods.
#2 How to shoot and care for a gun safely
#3 The love of books and reading.
I noticed some other things that he taught our son that Daniel probably didn't even realize he was teaching.
Our son has a very good work ethic. He learned at least part of this from his father. Daniel was a hard working man. It troubled him, after his heart surgery, that he could not go back to the job he knew. He decided to go to college to learn a new trade. These were hard days for him. In the end he took care of us really well. I did not thank him enough. This is listed under things I regret.
Daniel was a man of faith also. He was not a real out going man. Especially after he had a stroke in 2003. However, we would not hesitate to express his faith in God. I remember enjoying listening to him having a conversation with a man who proclaimed he was an atheist. With a subtle smile on his face, Daniel told him (something I will never forget) "How can you say God does not exist? There has to be something there for you to say it never existed. If it never existed, you would not know anything about it to say that it wasn't there"  (smile)
Daniel has been with the Lord for 19 months now. We miss him terribly here. I know he is enjoying this day with his heavenly Father.

Eye Glasses.........

How long have you been walking this path of grief? My Daniel died 19 months ago. I thought I had reached the point where the pain was no longer a sharp knife cutting out my heart. It is more of a dull ache like pain in a spot that  seems unable to be soothed.  However, today I found out it is a wound that has not healed. It is just scabbed over, and fragile. It can be ripped open by some seemingly insignificant thing and cause a wave of sharp pain  to pour through me.

I am packing up things, in order to make a move. I felt like I should go through the things in Daniel's dresser drawers. Sorting out things we wanted to keep etc....   My grand daughter was helping me. As she went through the items she handed me a pair of glasses. They were not in a case.  Just glasses laying in the drawer. FLASHBACK!  All of a sudden I was seeing Daniel laying there on the floor. The paramedics had laid his glasses up on that dresser and someone had placed them in that drawer. Oh the pain of loss that swept through me. I had to stop sorting. I told my grand daughter that we would have to do this another day.

If you are new to this walk of grief, your pain of loss is still fresh and sharp. There will come a day when it is bearable. I am not sure it will ever go away completely. It seems that when you least
expect it, something will come along causeing it to raise up anew and afresh.  I have wonderful memories of Daniel.  I try to keep these alive in my mind and heart. I talk about him. Recalling good times and funny things that happened to us. I do not think it is good for us to dwell on those terrible last moments of the death. I want to dwell on knowing that he is with the Lord. That he is well. That he is at peace. That he has a new body, not the broken one that he left behind.
Hang in there my friend. This too shall pass.  Go to the Lord and ask Him to give you strength for each day. He has been doing that for me for a long time now.  

Memorial Day.......

This is Memorial Day weekend in our country. It is a holiday. People have the day off work. Banks and government offices are closed. Schools are closed. Families go on vacation or just take the weekend to spend time together.
Memorial Day is the day set aside to honor our veterans. My Dad served in WWII aboard the aircraft carrier USS Windham Bay. Our son served in the air force during operation desert storm.
There will be parades and bar-b-ques. Picnics and fishing trips. This is the day that officially starts the summer season. The public swimming pool opens for the season. Hotels convert to their "summer" rates. We all have our family traditions surrounding Memorial Day. As a child I remember Mom and Dad  loading us all up to go "down home". (That meant going to where they were raised in southeast Iowa.) There would be Aunts and Uncles and cousins to visit and play with. Mom and Dad always took flowers to place on  the graves of relatives who had passed on. There was always a BIG family dinner that included homemade ice cream for desert, along with home baked pies. The cousins would vie for the chance to "set" on the ice cream freezer while my Uncle turned the crank. Then we hung out in the kitchen, when it was finished, hoping to be the one chosen to "lick" the left over ice cream from the freezer paddles.

Daniel's parents are buried in Beatrice, Ne. It was very important to him to honor them by placing flowers on their graves on Memorial Day. Beatrice, Ne was about two and a half hours from where we lived. We would plan for the trip and make a day of it. First stop was Rock Port, Mo to have breakfast at the truck stop there. (they also have good fried chicken gizzards) :)  Next stop was at Auburn, Ne to take pictures of the beautiful flags on display there. (see pictures below) Sometimes we went through Nebraska City to stop at the large flea market there. Daniel loved books. He  always came away from there with a few books he was sure he didn't  have. On then to Beatrice. Decorating the graves, taking some pictures, and having a bite of lunch were next on the agenda. He drove home while I took a nap.
One of the things he regretted about moving to Washington State was the fact that he would not be able to decorate his parents graves on Memorial Day. Last year I visited the mid west, and that is one of the things I did for him. It was very hard to go to his parents graves with out him. Decorating the graves was such an important thing to him, that I wanted to make it happen not realizing how hard it would be. It wasn't the fun weekend we had always had in the past. The sense of loss was overwhelming.
We can place beautiful head stones with flowery words at the last resting place of our loved ones, and go there to visit. We can take flowers and decorations to honor them. But all this does not fill the void that is left by their absense.Of all the memories I have of Memorial Day weekend, I never thought they would include going to my husband's place of rest.
I guess Memorial Day is a day of remembering. Honoring those who fought for our freedoms. Honoring those whom we have loved and laid to rest. Honoring those who are still with us by getting together as family. Make some memorial day memories. They will come back to comfort you some day.

Mother's Day.........

I am remembering the day our son was born. 10-10-70. Isn't it funny how babies come along at what seems to be an inopportune time? Daniel and I were going through a difficult financial time in 1970. We were living in a small trailer house in Sierra Vista, Arizona. Daniel was out of work. I had been so concerned about our problems that did not even pay attention to the fact that I really was not feeling good most of the time those days.  Finally, I decided I should go to the Dr.  That was a big decision, because we did not have insurance or any money. When the Dr. told us I was pregnant, Daniel was thrilled and I was worried. How would we take care of a baby?  But, as they say, life goes on.

Some women sail through pregnancy with flying colors. Never a sick day or moment. I, was NOT one of those women. As I said, we lived in a very small trailer at the time. It was exactly two steps from the bed to the bathroom. I could set on the toilet and puke in the sink. (ewwwww! my grand daughter would say TMI grandma) Mornings were awful!  My Daniel was a morning person. He loved breakfast. Not just cereal or toast, but a full blown bacon, eggs, fried potatoes etc... breakfast.  About the time I felt I could lift my head from the pillow, Daniel would start his breakfast.  The smell of bacon cooking and potatoes frying would turn my stomach upside down. I was only too glad to know the bathroom was  only two steps away.

Daniel continued to be out of work that year. Finally circumstances warranted us to move to Iowa where my family lived. He manage to get work right away, and we moved into a small apartment. It was August. August in Iowa is very hot and humid, and our apartment did not have air conditioning. Some days I would visit my parents who had a wonderfully cool air conditioned house. Other days that was not an option. I had to come up with some cooling methods of my own. By this time I was seven months pregnant and miserable. Daniel would come home from work to find me like a beached whale in the bath tub filled with cold water.

September brought us some cooler temps. We continued to make preparations for the arrival of our baby.  When that day came, it was snowing and cold. We hurried from Council Bluffs, Ia across the river to St Joseph's hospital in Omaha, NE.
I will never forget the first time we saw our son. Daniel would have busted all the buttons if there had been any on his shirt, he was so proud.  My first thought was, he looks just like his Dad. And, that was a good thing,
October 10, 1970 Daniel and I became parents. Did we make mistakes along the way? Oh yes. Daniel left the baby in the grocery cart in the store once. :) When he got in the car, I said "Where's the baby?" The look on his face was pure panic. He rushed back into the store and there was the baby sitting the cart right were Daniel had left him.  :)
When our son was just a few weeks old, Daniel slipped and fell on the ice in front of my sister's apartment. He was holding the baby. Daniel ended up flat on his back with the baby on his chest. My sister and I ran out to him and grabbed up the baby We rushed inside took off all the blankets and clothes, examed him all over  to see if he was hurt. We forgot all about Daniel laying out there on the ground. :) He teased us about that for years.
Daniel was a good father. He raised a good son.
There really isn't a "road map" for parenting. Yes there are all kinds of how to books out there. The bottom line is one from the Bible. "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. " That takes time and patience and most of all love.  You can't train up a child if you are only a part time father. It is a full time job.
Humm this sounds more like a father's day post than a mother's day post. :)

Happy Anniversary...........

April 27, 1968. It seems like ages ago, and at the same time like yesterday. Daniel and I would have been married 44 years today. What was our wedding day like?
Busy, I guess would be the best way to describe it. Like most wedding days.
We were married in Miracle Valley, AZ by Rev. Bud Dunn.
As I set here looking at the pictures there is one of us with both sets of parents. What I see is, from that picture my mother and I are the only ones still living. (My mother will be 90 in a few days by the way)
We became engaged on Valentine's day in 1968 and were married a couple of months later. :) No long engagement for us.
(sigh) Where did the years go?  When you set out on a journey thinking you know how it will end, it is always a surprise to look back and see how short it was and how the ending turned out.

On that day 44 years ago I would not have guessed we would end up living in the Pacific Northwest or that Daniel would die here.  We thought we would always live in Arizona. Then we thought we would always live in Iowa.  Then we always felt we would live a little while longer, but the reality is we do not.
Now comes the reality of coping with the days after someone you have loved and lived with for nearly 44 years is no longer here.
I have a little journel book that I write in. (I may have mentioned this before.) I have been writing in it a  year now. I started on this day last year. I was setting on my bed in a care center. My husband had been gone only five months. I had fallen, broke my arm, and had surgery ten days before. I desperately needed to talk to Daniel. OH how I longed for him to be there to take care of me, to take me home. I was there with strangers helping me with unmentionable things I could not do for myself. In my hour of sorrow and really, really being down in the dumps, a young lady from the church I attend came to visit me at the care facility. I poured out my heart to her. ( I guess she just happened to be in the right place at the right time) She was kind enough to bring me the little journel book. It was a life saver for me.  I started writing as though I were writing a letter to Daniel. I have been writing to him ever since.
When I fell I was wearing the dress Daniel bought me for our 40th anniversary. In the emergancy room they started to cut it off . I said, "NO, don't cut it. I will take it off." They looked at me like I was delusional. My arm was broken how would I get a dress off. I managed to get it up over my head and all except for the arm that was broken.  They had to cut that part. I was able to save the dress, and have it repaired. There is something about tangable things, like a dress, that we need to hang on to.
The little journel book helps me to hang on to past memories and let's me record new ones.
I know my Daniel is celebrating our anniversary around the throne of God today. I know some day I will be there too. But, in the meantime I will continue to write my thoughts in the little journel. Taking comfort in telling him the things I would if he were still here.

Through all this remembering and looking back, we have to remember God tells us we have no assurance of tomorrow. He tells us all that our days are like a vapour. Yet, we seem to think they will last forever. That nothing will change, things will always be the way they were. We put things off. Thinking we will have time to "fix it later", "tell her/him later", "go visit them tomorrow". Truth? There is no assurance of tomorrow. Tell him/her, visit those loved ones today.
Happy Anniversary Daniel

A guest post......

My friend Dean Bauman sent this to me. It blessed me. I pray that it will bless and comfort you as well.

Grieving and God

This is for anyone who has lost a loved one.

One of the hardest things to accept is that life as we know it does not go on. Relationships are often difficult to establish and maintain. And on rare, wonderful occasions, some just fall into place so easily and run so smoothly from both ends.

Losing one we're close to, feels unfair and so sad. Those we just fell in love with from the start, that were there for us whatever our circumstances, whatever our pain, no matter how we lost our humor, those we could wrap our arms around and receive comfort from, we find it impossible to release them to death.

Once we relax in knowing they are there, will never reject us, will always return our love and affection, how can we plan a future without them?

How can the memories be enough when our hearts seem to slow, yet pound so loudly in our throats, when our joy is crushed, when our eyes cloud and will never view things the same again? How should we behave? Why should we just walk back into life as though nothing ever happened? How can we ever be expected to smile again? How can we let go?

Amazingly enough, long before we were conceived, long before we participated in life, God had a plan........a perfect plan.

He foresaw the need for this life to have a beginning as well as an end. He created and thoroughly understood the complexities of relating to others. He gave us the ability to love and draw close. He knew the path our lives would take and how deeply we would feel pain. He left nothing out.

He built within us the abilities to grieve without dying, to let go without forgetting, to cope without quitting, to continue to love those who have gone on, yet grow to love others more strongly and even to add new love to our hearts.

He even gave us time......time to grieve, time to heal and time to grow from our new understanding.

Beyond our awesome creation, He knows exactly when we suffer loss and how hard it is for us.

We are among those He just fell in love with from the start, He is there for us no matter what our circumstances, what our pain, no matter how we've lost our humor, He wants to wrap us in His arms and receive comfort from Him.

We can relax in knowing He has always been there, will never reject us, will always return our love and affection, and will help us plan our future.

He will rejoice with us in our memories and restore our joy and make our hearts pound loudly in our throats in anticipation of a glad future.

We should not walk the same roads over again. He devised that when our eyes have clouded with tears we should never view things the same way again. We could grow bitter from sadness, or we can grow and learn compassion. We should never behave as though nothing ever happened. We should fondly remember that knowing, then missing someone has changed us, that we were blessed with the company of angels while they were here. This amazingly perfect plan that God has, of which He mapped out every possible outcome, leads us always back into His very capable, loving arms.

It's not that He wants us to suffer, not that He wants us to cry, not that He wants us to lose those we love dearly. God just wants us to remember that while we were happily on our journey with our loved one, He was happy too.

He leads us to know that after losing our loved one, when we return to life more lonely, He steps up closer to us and not only understands our loneliness, but helps us hold our head up.

When emptiness invades your sleep, He offers what no other friend can..... serenity as deep as the emptiness and hope as promising as the sunrise. He is the one friend that cannot and will not die, and will never leave our side. He is the almighty creator who gave you forever your friend or relative.

Love and Prayers, Dean
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