Guilt.....Regret......Fear

Guilt......
I hear the sirens in the distance getting closer and closer. Then the paramedics are here, but it seems like they are moving in slow motion. I keep telling them to hurry, but I knew in my heart that Daniel was gone. I kept saying "I'm so sorry Daniel, Oh Daniel I am so sorry, I am so sorry" over and over. The paramedics must have thought we had been in a argument or fight or something. That was not the case.
In my mind I felt I should have prevented this from happening.
In my mind, it was my fault. I should have taken better care of him.
In my mind, I was thinking of all the things I should have done.
It didn't matter that we had see the cardiologist just the day before. It didn't matter that the Dr. had said Daniel's heart was fine. All I could think of in that moment was.....it is my fault he is gone. This feeling of guilt stayed in the forefront of my mind for months. It is still there in the back ground, and can easily be brought forward if I let it. I realize now that I could not have saved him. Perhaps we should have gotten a second opinion. I don't know. I go through the list of could of's, should have's, would have's every now and then. It does not bring peace. The only thing that brings peace is knowing Daniel knew and loved the Lord. He is with God in heaven right now and I will join him some day.
Regret......
I have lots of regrets. When I began to go through Daniel's things, I noticed all the "projects" that were unfinished. He had ordered the parts to fix the lawn mower, but he never felt well enough to fix it. He loved working on things. He had lots of tools, and talked about opening a repair shop of some kind. He had several weed eaters that he was working on too. He had ordered parts for them and actually got one of them fixed. He was working on a couple of walking sticks. He wanted to sand them down and refinish them. They are left undone in the garage. He was working on the yard. He had fixed up a garden spot, but he never got to plant in it. We had planned to go back to Iowa for a visit. We had made plans to see some of the places of interest here too. Now these plans will not be fulfilled.
I regret that we will not be able to do things together. I regret that he will not be here to see his grand kids grow up. I felt this urgent need to try to "finish" some of the things he wanted to do. I made the trip back to Iowa. One of the things he wanted to do was visit his parents graves and decorate them for memorial day. I went to do that while I was back there. It was much harder than I thought it would be. I had never been there before without him.
I regret I did not tell him how much I appreciated all the things he did for me. I guess I took them for granted. Now that he is gone and I have to "put out the garbage" my self, I realized what a chore it is. He always carried in all the groceries for me. If I could have a do over, there is one thing I would put at the top of my list of things to do over, don't be stingy with telling your loved ones how great they are. How much you appreciate them. How much they mean to you. Thank them for the things they do.
Fear.......
That first night I was overcome with fear. My wonderful daughter-in-law and grand daughter stayed the night with me. I tried to lay in the bed, but I could not. I did not sleep that night. I got up and went to the recliner and dosed some. I kept thinking am I going to die too? I could not close my eyes without seeing Daniel laying there on the bedroom floor. I could not go into that room or the adjoining bathroom at all for a long time. Even though my daughter-in-law changed the whole look of the bathroom and got new bedding for the bed. I was afraid for a very long time. I slept in the spare bedroom with my cell phone in my hand all night long. I could not go to sleep without it. I carried it with me everywhere. I was afraid something was going to happen to me too. This went on for several weeks and months. I finally got a new house phone with two phones and put one of them right by the bed. I called my Dr. and scheduled a complete physical to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with me too. Gradually the fear began to subside. Gradually I was able to push back on those awful images of Daniel and replace them with more pleasant ones.
I remember a few weeks after Daniel's death, my grand daughter and I were setting at the kitchen table. We live near a main road so it is not unusual to hear the sirens of the ambulance. On this particular day the sirens were coming closer and closer and turned down our street. I began to shake and cry. I was griped by fear and it was as though the day Daniel died was happening all over again. I have had other moments like this, but they are becoming less and less.
There is hope. There is a light at the end of this tunnel of sadness. God has helped me and held me up through these last ten months. How are you holding up?
Psalms 9:9-10 says this:
"The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
And they that know they name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."When I feel like fear will over take me completely, I find my refuge in the Lord.
I pray that you will too.