Crying, crying, crying.......

It never ceases to amaze me the things that will just make the dam break and the tears flow like a river. I was chopping some roast beef and my knife was dull. Then it hit me, who will sharpen my knives? Daniel always kept them razor sharp. Sometimes I would fuss at him because he would get them "sharp enough to shave" as he called it. I would invariably cut myself. I would just have to say, "this knife won't cut hot butter" and there he would be taking it from me to get it back in shape. While he was at it he would check all the others, "just to make sure".
In February, I still missed Daniel a lot. It felt like the wound in my heart was barely scabbed over. I had all these Dr. appointments to go to, because I felt like I needed to have a complete physical. (perhaps it was the fear thing kicking in) Anyway, he would have been there with me, if he were here. I had a melt down in the Dr.'s office. It was the same office I had been to with him not to long before he passed away. I thought I would be able to handle it, but as I began to walk through the very same waiting room I had sat in with him; I just kind of lost it. The dejavue ( or however you spell that) just came rolling in. By the time I got to the check in counter I could not hold back the tears. I felt sorry for the poor girl who had to check me in. She didn't know what to think.
Sometimes I feel I will just break in to pieces. The sadness overwhelms me.
Tears flow and my heart aches. I don't know that I will ever be ok. I know I will never be the same.
Just about the time I think I am getting a handle on it something else happens to rip the thin crust of healing from my brokenness. Our church here in Granite Falls merged with another church here. As I was setting in church during this time period, a man from the other church walks in with one of Daniel's shirts on. He is about the same size as Daniel and with his back to me......well.... I gasped and then began to cry softly. A friend was setting beside me and asked if I would be ok. I said, I think so. It was just such a shock. I gave Daniel's shirts to a local charity. I didn't think I would ever see them again. Then to have a man walk in with one on...... it was one of those things that make the dam that is holding back the flood crack wide open.
Does it ever get any better? I asked this question to a woman whose husband has been gone for several years. Her answer was it gets easier. My prayer for you is that it will get easier. That my sharing some of the things I have been through these past months, will help you identify with them and see that there is a light of hope at the end of the tunnel of sadness.

What to say...

It has been ten months and eleven days since my husband Daniel Akin passed away on November 19, 2010. His death was sudden. Even though he had health issues, it came as a shock. In the back of my mind I always thought something like this could happen, but I never allowed it to the fore front of my thoughts.
His death has changed me. I am not the same. I am not sure I ever will be. I try to go about doing things the same, but.......somehow it isn't.
In the beginning I had all these thoughts running through my head. I decided to put them down on paper to perhaps clear my mind. Unusual thoughts, like how many widows there are. Just in my family alone. My Mother and all of her sisters are widows. My sister has been a widow. (She has since remarried.) I have a close friend who was a widow. I guess I never realized how many women are widows until I became one too.
I miss the sounds. Just silence now. There is no sound of Daniel walking through the house. Daniel watching TV (fox news). Daniel making coffee. Most of all the the ticking of his heart valve. I miss talking to him. We were an unusual pair in that we could go without talking for awhile and then pick up right where we left off. I guess you never know what you will miss. Now that he is not here to talk to, I think of all these things I want to say. I miss being able to go places with him there in the car beside me.
I miss the smells. I don't drink coffee so there is no coffee smell in the house now. That fresh brewed smell and the sound of coffee dripping into the pot. The smell of breakfast cooking. He loved breakfast. I am not a breakfast person, but sometimes I fix it just so that I can have that familiar smell in the house. The smell of his aftershave. Wild Country from Avon. :) That was his favorite.
I miss being able to tell him all the things that have happened. It is as though he has been away for awhile and when he gets back I have all these things to share.
The furnace being broken, the front door knob that wouldn't work, etc... The yellow paint on the fender of the van where I got too close to the pole at McDonald's.
There are lots of regrets. If only we could have a "do over". Here are some things I would do over:
1. show more affection. Daniel was not one to do that. Oh, we knew we loved each other but sometimes you just need a hug or a touch.
2. learn to communicate. This was our shortcoming. It took years for us to have a fairly good communication. I think it developed more after he had his stroke in 2003. I learned more about what he was trying to say. He always kept feelings and thoughts to himself.
3. don't put things off. Now there are things that will never get done. He is gone. There are things we will never do together. He is gone. If you have an idea to do something together.....do it now.
My thoughts still wonder all over the place. Sometimes fear tries to creep in. Especially at night when I am here alone. I just have to push it back. I find myself wondering how long I will live. I am 68. It seems I am in relatively good health. But still, the time looking forward is getting shorter and shorter.
I feel like my anchor has come loose and I am adrift.
I have started this blog to share with others who have lost a mate. I want you to know that I totally understand what you are going through. I want to share some of my experiences with you and pray with you if you would like. I am a woman of faith, and it has helped sustain me these past 10 months. If you are a widow or widower, and have something to share please feel free to comment. I will write of my journey through grief and perhaps it will help you with yours.
Joy Akin
thereislight2011@hotmail.com